Ever Again
by Jacksgirl217
Summary: One year after the events of Twenty Four Hours and things aren't as perfect as either Cloud or Leon planned. What is this thing between them that holds them apart? And what will be the consequences of Cloud and Leon's relationship if it goes public? - The long awaited and much requested sequel to TFH.
1. Heal

**A/N: **Well, after 8 months of study, endless procrastination and all round hard work, I've finally finished my first year of University. This achievement has been nearly ten years in the making. Due to my questionable life choices when I was eighteen and a general intense and all-consuming fear of failure, I never made it to University. And while everyone else my age was planning the rest of their lives, I was off wasting mine with a man nearly ten years my senior, who turned out, in a rather bad cliché, to be a real douchetard!

Needless to say, you can understand why I'm so thrilled to finally be achieving one of my longest held dreams.

In celebration of this occasion, instead of going out and getting drunk and/or high as my younger self would have very likely done, I've decided to treat you all to the much requested sequel to Twenty Four Hours.

This celebration is, I've no doubt, of little consequence to most people. However, it means the world to me, and I'd like to share it with you all.

Happy reading, and I hope you enjoy the beginning of this long awaited story.

**Disclaimer: **All people and places belong to Square Enix and/or Disney. No infringement intended, no profit made. All lyrics belong to Tom Odell.

* * *

"_And I promise… if you let me, I'll look after you. And I promise I'll never, ever hurt you. And I'll never let anyone else hurt you. Ever again."_

**1**

**Heal**

_Take my mind and take my pain  
Like an empty bottle takes the rain  
And heal._

_Take my past and take my sins_  
_Like an empty sail takes the wind_  
_And heal._

_And tell me some things last._

_Tom Odell – Heal._

"What do you mean, _what did it feel like?_" Cloud asked; his voice tight and irritated. His brows were drawn and he had to remind himself to uncurl in fingers from the arms of the chair. It wasn't that he disliked this person. Sometimes though… Cloud felt tired. And right now, he wasn't sure whether he had reached his limit for the day, or whether he was just mildly irritated by the man's seemingly obvious question. _What did it feel like?_ Honestly? What did knowing you were about to die _feel like?_ Cloud was having trouble seeing past the obtuseness of the question. What did this guy think it felt like?

"It felt like I was going to die!" Cloud answered rather shortly, his tone not unnoticed by the rather expensive looking shrink sat in the armchair opposite him.

Cloud noted the darkening of the man's eyes, and the almost exasperated expression that the therapist was too professional to actually let slip, as he came up against yet another wall so expertly placed by the young blond. Cloud was well aware that he was testing the man's patience. But well… he was testing Cloud's.

"Were you scared?"

Cloud wasn't so professional. He scoffed, rubbing the bridge of his nose as he tried to push down his fluttering anger and exasperation. "Of course I was scared." He offered no more.

Some people could talk for hours. Some people talked just to fill a silence or because they were afraid of it. And others talked because they were afraid that they had nothing really very important to say at all. Some people had no idea just how hard it was to string two feelings together and push them out past reticent teeth. Cloud had never been very good at talking.

"What else did you feel?" the question was asked after a few moments of dense awkward silence and it was the question that Cloud had come to dread the most in his two months of this psychoanalytical bullshit. What did he feel? What the fuck did it matter, it was over with! In all of his years and experience, no good had ever come of asking himself how he felt. He usually never liked the answer. However, he reminded himself, he had promised Leon - he had promised to try.

Pulling in a large breath through his nose, he clenched his jaw, pushing past the overwhelming urge to punch his therapist in the face and he concentrated. He steeled himself as he thought back and felt the cold rush of remembered feelings flood him. He put the fact that he couldn't remember a great deal down to knowing that he didn't particularly _want_ to remember, but as he dug and sifted through what he could, a strange and uncomfortable realisation come to him that at first made him freeze.

"I… I remember feeling… I… Like, I didn't care. Like… I was calm. I… I was scared, but I was… I don't know." Cloud shook his head, unable to articulate any of his clogged up and foggy emotions from a memory he could barely remember. "I remember feeling like, I was ready. I couldn't… I couldn't stop what… I couldn't get out of there, so I remember thinking, 'okay… this is it… nothing I can do…' you know?" he looked up at the therapist who was staring back at him, brows down and serious as he nodded his head slightly in acknowledgement.

"You were resigned?" he asked; his voice deep and level. Cloud nodded once, feeling his frozen stomach unclench as a familiar wave of shame rolled over him. Had he really been willing to give up that easily? "And how does that make you feel now?" The therapist asked, noting Cloud's guilt ridden expression that he was too side-tracked to hide.

There was a long moment of silence as Cloud gathered together all of his scattered feelings, collecting them and weighing them up before deciding on a word. He didn't really have to think too hard about whether it was the right one. Cloud couldn't have felt more certain. He knew this feeling well.

"Pathetic."

The word was dropped like a stone and the moment it left Cloud's lips he felt like he could almost physically feel his emotions rippling out like waves; spreading, growing bigger, making it harder for Cloud to gather them back into himself and keep locked away. He clenched his fist, tensing every muscle in his body as he dared himself to lose control. He did the only thing he knew how to do and turned his pathetic emotions into anger. It sat there, a toxic weight in his chest.

"You understand that these feelings are perfectly natural, Cloud. But they aren't real. They are distortions of yourself… " Cloud let the man's words wash over him, uncaring about anything he had to say. There was nothing the man could possible say that would make Cloud feel anything different. He had felt this way since childhood. It was real enough to him. He concentrated instead on his ball of anger. In an odd sort of way, it comforted him. When he felt it, hot and heavy, pressing down on his chest, he didn't feel so impotent. When he felt its destructive mass, ironically he felt more in control than he ever did. Knowing he could hold it back, just let it burn quietly in his centre made him feel anything but weak and pathetic. It was the only way he knew. This dipshit of a doctor knew nothing!

"I should really get going, our time is almost up!" he interrupted, not caring that he was at least ten minutes from the actual end of their session or that he was being incredibly rude; not to mention completely obvious. Cloud stood without waiting for a reply, barely noticing the distinct lack of surprise on the shrink's face, tossing in insincere 'thanks for your time' over his shoulder before shutting the door a little too loudly behind him.

The further he got away from the office, out of the building and onto the street, the better he felt. he could feel his anger melting away until it eventually fizzled away to nothing, leaving him feeling empty and drained. His weekly sessions with his therapist usually left him feeling like dead weight however, so he couldn't really complain that today's session had been any different. Yet he rarely left feeling that worked up. He had certainly never stormed out before. Maybe he wasn't as in control as much as he liked to think he was?

Hefting a sigh and refusing to think about it anymore, he began the long walk back to their apartment.

* * *

Cloud had never really considered any place home. At least, not before he had met Leon. As far back as he could remember, the concept of 'home' had always seemed foreign and far away to him. As he unlocked his apartment door and entered the large open plan space, he thought that maybe this was as close to it as he was ever likely to come.

Leon had done nothing but make him welcome in every way, even way back before they could even have been considered lovers. The apartment never felt cold or aloof as his previous one had, and it never felt threatening or full of miseries like his childhood home had. Still it seemed to Cloud as though he should _feel_ something more. A nameless, unmanned emotion eluded him and no matter how much he thought about it he could never pin it down. Something stopped him from feeling like he belonged here.

As he passed the desk next to the door, he casually flicked the answer machine on, letting the recorded voice fill the lofty room.

"You have two new messages. Message one: received today at, one twenty six, pm." The long beep sounded shrill in the echoing rafters of the room, and Cloud winced as he picked up the mail and began to sift through it.

"Leon, this is Quistis. I wouldn't normally ring you at home but this is quite serious. I've tried your cell but you aren't picking up so… just call me back when you get this. Asap!" the message ended with another obnoxious beep and Cloud only briefly frowned at the woman's voice. It wasn't uncommon for Leon to receive work calls at home, as much as Leon hated it, but there was something in the urgency of the woman's voice that made Cloud take notice. He made a mental note to ask Leon about it as soon as he got home – whenever that would be.

"Message two: received today at, two thirteen, pm."

Cloud had climbed the stairs to the kitchen, throwing the mail on to the island in the centre, and pulling his jacket off as he set about making coffee. He thought briefly about making dinner, in the vain hope that Leon would be back in time to eat with him. The second message left on the answer phone deflated that thought almost immediately.

"Hey Cloud, it's Leon. Listen umm, I'm not gonna be home for a while yet. I gotta work late." There was a long pause followed by a nearly undetectable sigh. "So don't wait up okay? I'll be home as soon as I can. I gotta go, okay, love you. Bye." Even though Cloud was well aware of Leon's dislike and discomfort of talking to an answer machine, even he had to admit that that had sounded strained.

Cloud looked dejectedly around him, throwing the discarded teaspoon into the sink and ran his hand through his ruffled blond hair. Maybe this was why he never really felt at home here? Maybe the place was just too big for one person.

Cloud sighed. Maybe he just needed to quit being such an asshole and shut his whining? He was with a billionaire for fuck sake. Any person would kill to be where he was, right? He had never been this lucky in his entire fucking life. So why the fuck didn't he feel as honoured as he was supposed to? Why did he feel that no matter how much time passed or how deep their relationship progressed, Cloud always felt like there was this huge insurmountable void between them?

In his miserably pathetic life, Cloud had known loneliness. But for some reason, stood there in the expansive space of their shared apartment, Cloud had never felt more alone.

Cloud had never been one to pass up a laugh at irony's expense. He huffed bitterly as he resigned himself to another night alone in front of the T.V.


	2. Crossed Wires

**A/N: **Chapter two for all you lovelies out there. I hope you're all enjoying. Please don't be afraid to drop me a line and tell me what you think. I really do love to hear from you, no matter what you have to say.

Anyway, onward!

* * *

**2**

**Crossed Wires**

Cloud awoke from his dozy half sleep to the feel of the soft leather couch dipping next to him. The apartment was dark; with only the flickering, muted television splashing bright white light over the living area and Cloud's curled up form. He lifted his head from the arm of the chair, rubbing the bleary remnants of sleep, and his dream, from his eyes.

"Hey, I thought I told you not to wait up. Didn't you get my message?" Leon whispered softly as he sat down next to Cloud's tucked up legs, pulling them from under the blond and stretching them over his lap.

"No, I got your message. I just fell asleep." Cloud yawned and stretched, checking his wrist watch. "It's past two in the morning. Have you only just got home?"

"I told you I had to work late."

Cloud hated to seem pouty or like he was nagging, but even he thought ten past two was a touch later than was normal.

"Yeah, you did, but I… I just thou-"

"Listen Cloud, It's late. I don't wanna argue with you. Can't we just go to bed?" Leon interrupted, pinching the bridge of his nose as he talked. It was something he only ever did when he was tired or exasperated. Cloud guessed he was both right now.

Cloud swung his legs down and sat himself upright, shuffling a little further away from the irate brunet sat at the other end of the sofa. He sighed, not really feeling up for an argument either but still sullen about being cut off. An awkward silence filled the room as Cloud wrung his hands together, considering whether to talk to Leon about his day and about his rather unproductive therapy session. Cloud didn't even know whether Leon would remember it had been today.

"Your PR called, left a message. She couldn't get you on your cell. Asked you to ring back as soon as possible." Cloud mumbled moodily, he heard Leon sigh heavily and watched him run his fingers through his hair as he slouched back into the couch, clearly exhausted.

"Yeah, she got me eventually." Leon replied "It's why I'm late." He added; the comment like a jab in the ribs aimed at Cloud. _There, I was telling the truth, don't start with me!_

That inert ball of anger flared to life again and Cloud could feel it simmering fiercely in his chest. He had every right to be pissed, didn't he? It wasn't his fault that Leon was late, that they never talked anymore or spent more than half an hour in the mornings together. It wasn't Cloud's fault that Leon didn't want anyone to know about their relationship – never took him anywhere or publicly acknowledged him as his partner. Quite frankly, Cloud had had a better deal of it when he had been a pro and Leon was paying him for his time!

A fierce desire to go back to that life pulled at Cloud's mind and it scared him. He never thought in a million years that he would actually want the uncertainty and insecurity of a life on the streets. But even the danger of prostitution seemed like a better option than this half existence. Playing house maid to a man who was never home, who never even really touched him anymore. At least he would have his independence. At least he would be _doing_ something.

Still, even for all of his many reasons, the actual thought of leaving Leon hurt him; almost like a physical blow. Despite their less than perfect relationship, he loved him – as well as he knew how to love anyone.

"I've been thinking." He spoke up, pushing away his anger and feelings of hurt. "I want to get a job." He turned to face Leon, sitting sideways on the sofa, one arm slung over the back of it.

"A job?" Leon asked sceptically "why would you want a job? You don't need one."

At any other time of the day, on any other given day of the week, the comment would probably not have angered Cloud half as much as it did right then. But after his enraging therapy session, his feelings of impotence and pathetic moping, and his feelings of abandonment, Leon's careless question struck a deep nerve in him that he just couldn't control.

"What the hell do you mean, why would I want a job? Why wouldn't I?" he snapped, his face darkening as his tone lowered.

"You don't _need_ a job, Cloud. And anyway, the last time I checked, you weren't exactly qualified for much." Leon stressed, clearly not in the mood for this argument right now.

"Fuck you, Leon!" Cloud retorted, feeling his cheeks burn red from the shame of knowing that Leon was right. Why did Leon even care if he got a job or not? Why in all of holy hell was he even bothering to defending himself? "I'm bored, Leon. I've got nothing to do around here."

"I thought you said you were going to go back to school?" Leon's tone was curt as he gestured at Cloud, clearly wanting to be doing anything except having this conversation.

"I am, but I need money for that. I need to get a job to pay for it."

"You know you don't have to do that. I can pay for it." Leon answered testily.

Cloud stood angrily, throwing the remote down onto the coffee table as he passed the startled brunet.

"Goddammit, Leon. I don't _want_ you to fucking pay for it!" he stormed his way to their bedroom, hating that Leon didn't understand. Why did the man have to make everything about his fucking money?! Was he trying to rub it in his face?

"Cloud, why are we doing this now?" Leon asked; his voice full of defeat and annoyance. He followed his younger lover into their bedroom and watched as the blond angrily tugged his clothes off, throwing his t-shirt across the room, hopping around on one foot as he pulled his socks off.

"When else are we supposed to do it, Leon?" Cloud snapped back over his shoulder, tugging at his belt.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Leon asked, knowing full well what it was supposed to mean.

Cloud turned to look at him, hot anger written all over his face. "You've got to be fucking stupid if you don't get what I'm talking about." Cloud watched as Leon sighed, hands on hips, he looked away and down at the floor, his body language never more clear in his contempt for the conversation they were having. It was obviously too much of a hassle for him.

"Cloud, you know I have to work late-"

"Don't even begin to give me that bullshit, Leon. I don't want to fucking hear it again." Cloud interrupted,

"Well what else do you want me to say?" Leon asked, throwing his arms wide.

"I don't want you to say anything. I can't trust half of the crap that comes out of your mouth anyway." Cloud knew that wasn't strictly true and he only felt mild shame for saying something just to hurt, but he couldn't bring himself to care too much. At least he had Leon's attention – something which he hadn't had for quite a long time. He took advantage of Leon's momentary shock and pushed past him to get to the bathroom, knocking his shoulder into the taller man who just watched him pass with a hurt and confused look on his face. Cloud was half way through brushing his teeth before Leon appeared in the doorway, the bedroom light silhouetting his outline, shoulder resting against the doorframe.

"Is this about your birthday? Because I missed our meal?" he asked softly, his words clearly guilt ridden. Cloud huffed and spat into the sink, rinsing his mouth before standing up straight to look his lover in the face through the large mirror that lined the wall of their en suite.

"It's not just about my fucking birthday, Leon!" Cloud said; his words angry but lacking any real bite. "It's about every day you're not here. Every day I spend on my own because you're working." Cloud turned to face Leon properly, hand's on his hips, his head bowed. "We never see each other anymore. We don't talk and if we do it always ends up like this… us arguing. I… I can't even remember the last time you touched me." This last part was said quietly, Cloud's face heating up as he uttered the words that caused so much self-consciousness. He didn't want to let old fears get the better of him, but the longer Leon refused to sleep with him, the more Cloud wondered if his past was at least partly to blame for his older lover's reticence. After all, what Cloud had done was pretty disgusting. He wouldn't be at all surprised if Leon didn't want to touch him, though he hoped it wasn't all down to that.

Cloud was shaken out of his inner monologue by the feel of Leon's hands on his arms, rubbing softly up and down as the older man pulled him into a lose embrace. Cloud let himself be pulled, unwilling to let this bitterness between them continue when Leon was offering him what he was so badly in need of.

"Is that was this is really about?" he heard Leon ask; the older man's voice low and rumbling through his chest as Cloud pressed himself against the taller man. He couldn't face saying any more, his pride had been wounded enough for one night so he simply wrapped his arms around his lover, returning the soothing gesture as he ran his hands up and down Leon's back, his fingertips playing over the cool fabric of his shirt. He shivered in response to Leon doing the same against his own naked back, the actions goose pimpling the skin as Leon dragged his fingers over the sensitive flesh. He let his eyes slide closed in peaceful bliss as he felt Leon press much longed for kisses to his temple, his hot breath stirring the fine hairs around Cloud's ear.

Cloud pulled back ever so slightly, letting Leon drag his lips across his cheek, loving the feel of the older man's face so close to his as he began to press his own open mouthed kisses to Leon's slightly stubbled chin. He sighed deeply as finally, _finally, _Leon pressed his lips to his own, softly caressing Cloud's mouth with his tongue as he gently asked for permission to enter. Permission that was eagerly granted as Cloud reached up to tangle his hand in the soft hairs at the base of Leon's head, controlling the kiss he tugged lightly. How long had it been since they had kissed like this?

Cloud felt Leon's hands leave his back and thread their way into his hair, carding away the bangs from around his face as Leon pulled away, breaking the kiss and placing soft little butterfly kisses to Cloud's nose, cheeks, forehead and closed eyes. He stood there and cupped Cloud's face gently in between his hands, running the pads of his thumbs along the younger man's jaw, tracing his full bottom lip that was wet from their kiss.

"I'm sorry, Cloud." Leon's gruff voice broke Cloud's quiet revere and he opened his eyes to find Leon watching him with large soulful grey eyes. "I didn't realise." He added softly.

The nearness of the older man, the smell of him and the heat of his body sent thrilling shivers through Cloud, and for the first time in months, he felt his cock stirring to life with genuine excitement and lust. He knew Leon could feel his reaction – could see it in his lust filled gaze as he stared back at him, begging, pleading with him to take things further. He tilted his hips slightly, dying to feel the delicious friction that set his skin tingling.

He was met with crushing disappointment as Leon gave him one last peck on the lips and moved away from him, breaking their contact and leaving Cloud's rapidly flushing body feeling cold.

"We should get some sleep. I'm tired." Leon said, turning away from Cloud's dejected face and walking back into their bedroom.

And here was that void between them again. This time bigger and seemingly even more insurmountable then it ever had done. Whatever it was that was keeping them apart – grinding them down - was taking its time. The slow decay of their relationship was the torture that Cloud couldn't bring himself to end. He had no idea whose fault it was, but he had the terrible gut freezing feeling that it was probably his. And when he sat and thought about it, that probability didn't seem so unlikely. It wasn't too far a stretch of the imagination to think that maybe, after a few months of trying, Leon had thought better of bringing a hooker into his home. And not just any old prostitute either, Cloud thought sardonically. Oh no, he was a special breed of fucked up. There was barely a man in Cloud's life that hadn't crossed his path and taken advantage of him in some way or another, taking what they wanted and leaving behind the sort of person who had no scruples about fucking for money. When Cloud thought about it, he wasn't surprised that Leon was having second thoughts about him. He wouldn't want to touch him either, not after what had been done to him. He couldn't blame Leon for that.

Scrubbing furiously at the tears that had pooled in his hot and prickly eyes, Cloud sucked in a wet, equilibrating breath. He clenched his fists hard, to the point where his nails cut into his palm in an attempt to stop the wild and near uncontrollable hurt from tumbling from him in rising waves of anguished sobs. He couldn't break down now, not with Leon here. He pushed his misery down; happy for once that he had some good experience with the practice before quickly washing his face and returning to the darkness of their bedroom.

Leon had already turned off the light and gone to sleep.

* * *

The next morning, Cloud was surprised to find Leon still at home. For some reason, he had assumed he would wake to find the older man already gone, but was pleased when he found him sat on the couch, flipping through the T.V channels. He was dressed for work, his crisp white shirt tucked into his sleek black trousers; neck tie draped over his shoulders but not yet tied up. Cloud heard him curse softly as he approached.

"Leon?" Cloud asked quietly, sitting on the arm of the couch beside the older man.

"Shit, Cloud. I didn't hear you. Didn't think you'd be up this early."

"I thought you'd be at work already." Cloud replied as Leon switched off the television, placing the remote on the coffee table. The older man turned to look up at the blond, his gaze thoughtful yet mixed with a consideration that Cloud couldn't place. Leon had never looked at him like that before.

"I'm just on my way in. I wanted to see you before I left though." Leon stood and turned to Cloud, reaching out his hands and taking Cloud's face between them, that confused and worried look in his eye gone and replaced with contrition so sincere, Cloud had a fleeting moment of doubt about his theories concerning Leon and his feelings towards him. The older man sighed; seemingly unable to say whatever it was that he needed to.

"What is it?" Cloud asked; pulling Leon's hands from his face and griping them in his own. Another indeterminable length of time passed, filled with Leon's taciturn silence and troubled frown before he began to speak.

"I don't know how, but… somehow the press have found out about you and me." He said slowly, gauging the look that passed over Cloud's face as he spoke. "My team have been trying to hold the story back for weeks, but this morning…" Leon stopped, turning towards the television and then back to Cloud as if to signal that it was already much too late. "It's all over the news."

Cloud sat quietly for a moment, realising that something huge had happened but having difficulty understanding exactly what. As far as he was concerned, he didn't particularly care if everyone knew he was in a relationship with the great and powerful Squall Leonhart. In fact, he was rather pleased. At least now Leon might take him out places without fear of being 'spotted'. But then, Cloud realised, Leon's main concern wasn't really for him, nor was it even really for 'them' as a couple. Cloud realised that the only person this really had an impact on, was Leon.

"You're worried about what people will say." He replied, his tone flat, giving nothing away.

"Of course I'm worried about what people will say." Leon's tone was clipped and testy, barely containing the anxiousness he must have been feeling.

Cloud couldn't help the stinging feeling from the proverbial slap to his face, and he looked down, removing his hands from Leon's grip.

"Well you probably should be. After all, you wouldn't want the fact that you're fucking a guy to get in the way of your impeccable reputation." Cloud knew it was a little over the line, but he was having a lot of trouble finding reasons to care. This was getting way out of control. What had he been thinking anyway? Getting involved with a man who pays for sex was never going to be the fairy tale romance of the century: just another one of Cloud Strife's incredibly sensible life choices bearing fruit. Any man who needed to pay for sex in the first place was obviously never going to be boyfriend material. Cloud wondered why he had thought Leon would be any different. Maybe it _was_ all about the money? Maybe it had blinded him, just as much as it blinded Leon.

"Cloud, it's not like that and you know it!" Leon replied; his tone deadly serious and almost a little threatening.

"Do I?" Cloud shot back, standing from his seated position and moving away from Leon. Putting some distance between them because being as far away from Leon had never felt more desirable. "Give me one good example of why I should know that! Because you treat me with such respect? Because you're always taking me out places and introducing me to all of your friends? I mean, it's not like you hide me away in your apartment, refuse to let me get a job or anything is it? Oh wait…" Cloud shot back sarcastically. He would later deny the fact that he had enjoyed the look of hurt that crossed Leon's face as he spoke. "I don't even know what you're so afraid of, Leon. It's not even like we're actually fucking anymore. You can tell the press they've got it all wrong, and then you'll have nothing to worry about!"

"Cloud I-" but Leon didn't even get a chance to finish, before Cloud had dismissed him with a wave of his hand. The blond turned on his heel, heading for their bedroom. "I don't even want to hear it. Just go to work." He shot over his shoulder as he slammed the bedroom door behind him.

* * *

Leon sat in the back of his black Mercedes, head down and eyebrows creased in troubled thought as he read and re-read the front page of the morning newspaper. His driver was taking the long route to his office building this morning and Leon couldn't have been more thankful for the few extra moments of peace and quiet. A sickening fear churned in his gut as he read the headline:

**LEONHART AND THE HOOKER:**

**L&L CEO IN YEAR LONG TRYST WITH MALE PROSTITUTE**

It really was bad, Leon thought, throwing the paper into the empty seat next to him. He ran his hand through his hair, scrubbing his tired face. If he had gotten four hours sleep last night then he had been lucky. His strained, over worked mind had kept him awake for a good hour after he had climbed into bed after his confrontation with Cloud, and the younger man's restless and nightmare ridden sleep had done the job of keeping him awake a good while longer. Cloud always claimed not to remember most of his dreams whenever Leon asked about them, but Leon… well, he wasn't so sure.

What Leon _had_ been sure of was that Cloud had needed help: professional help. The kind that Leon just wasn't equipped to give him. Leon's scowl deepened even further when he thought of the argument they had had after Leon suggested the therapy sessions to his younger lover. Had that been when all of this had started? Leon had to admit that Cloud's sulky childish demeanour was starting to grate on him. He was trying his best. And besides, Leon had made it perfectly clear that he was no good at relationships when they had first started this. It was why he had sought Cloud out in the first place, for Hyne sakes! But goddammit he was trying! This was more than could be said for Cloud, in any case.

Leon recalled the conversation he had held with Dr Houseman the previous evening. Leon knew that technically it could be considered unethical for him to be checking up on Cloud's therapy, but well, he thought maybe this was justified. Cloud was getting nowhere.

"_He pays lip service. He give's one word, perfunctory answers, with no real depth of thought behind them. He quite clearly doesn't want to be here and is wasting everybody's time, most of all his own. He has no hope of overcoming anything until he takes these sessions seriously."_

Leon could rapidly feel himself coming to his wits end. He didn't know which was worse: the fact that Cloud was slipping further and further away from him or that Leon had no idea how to help him. This gap that sat between them, this void of unspeakable emotions and dark, repressed fears would never be lifted if Cloud refused to confront them. How could he be close to Leon if underneath it all he was secretly waiting for it to all fall down? If after all was said and done, Cloud was just merely waiting for Leon to hurt him like everyone else had done? Leon had no idea how to prove him wrong. He couldn't even be certain that he _wouldn't_ let him down. He seemed to be doing a fine job of messing everything up. And what was worse was that Leon knew all he had to do was give Cloud a little attention – a little intimacy - and he might be able to go some of the way to fixing this… whatever the hell _this_ was.

Why couldn't he do it?

The uncomfortable question sat in his mind, adding weight to the already churning feelings of anxiety. The press would not be kind and Leon had no illusions of how he would be painted. It wasn't something that personally he was particularly bothered about. People's opinions of him had never really rated that highly on his list of things to worry about. But Cloud…

The things they would say about Cloud. It hurt him already to think of the dirt that his young partner would be pulled through. Leon didn't know whether Cloud had fully grasped the extent of the situation yet, but he suspected probably not. Having the press talk about Leon's sexual orientation was a minor concern next to what they would print in regard to Cloud's personal history. Everyone would know! Cloud's deepest and darkest, most shameful parts of his past would be gossip fodder for everyone to criticise. Leon's chest gave an uncomfortable clench as he thought of Cloud's humiliation.

He recalled the look on Cloud's face, a year ago as they sat in that hospital room, Cloud revealing parts of him that had remained buried so deep for so long. Leon dreaded to think of the look Cloud would have when he realised the whole nation would know those secrets.

And it was his entire fault.

It was a simple fact that Leon was having a hard time coming to terms with. Their relationship, the very nature of it, attracted attention. Leon's money, his fame, the clandestine nature of their relations meant a scandal that was too good to be ignored. Cloud's personal life – his deep dark secrets – where merely collateral damage. Leon couldn't help the overwhelming feelings of guilt and responsibility. This was all his fault. If Cloud had only fallen in love with someone else, anyone else but _him_, none of this would be happening.

The more Leon thought about it, the more he began to realise. No wonder he couldn't bring himself to touch Cloud. He could barely bring himself to look at him. He'd failed him so badly.

"We're here sir." His driver called to him over his shoulder.

Leon looked up and nodded his thanks, pausing briefly to gather his resolve. _'Here we go then. No more holding it back.' _He thought to himself as he opened his car door to a clamour of flashing bulbs and the screaming press.


	3. Bruises

**A/N: **This chapter is naughty! Consider yourselves warned. Also, this chapter starts to deal with some of the more adult rated issues of this story and for that reason I thought a little **warning** was in order. I've tried to use as much of my own personal experiences to keep this as realistic as possible, so in that sense this has been quite a revelatory chapter for me. I'm rather sad to say I'm an old veteran of the therapists chair and so have some quite useful experience of cognitive behavioural therapy. I hope this is as realistic yet still sensitive enough to be read with ease. The last thing I want to do is poop on your day!

Enjoy. x

* * *

**3**

**Bruises**

It was about half past one before Leon finally admitted to himself that he couldn't take it anymore. He picked up the phone and dialled home. He wasn't surprised to find that it went straight to answer phone.

"Cloud? If you're there, pick up." He said, waiting a few moments. After what felt like an awfully long time, he finally heard the distinct click and then the pleasant baritone of Cloud's smooth voice.

"Hey."

In that one uttered syllable, which was so calm and soft, Leon realised with an ache in his chest how long it had been since he had heard Cloud speak to him like that; kindly and with care.

"Hey." Leon offered back, lamely. "I just wanted to check up on you; see how you were doing."

"Fine." He heard Cloud stammer ever so slightly and knew all in an instant that he was anything but. He must have finally seen the news, Leon thought.

"Your sister called." The younger man said his voice icy and sardonic. "She had some rather interesting things to say."

Leon felt bad for Cloud all over again. In all of the panic and uproar, he had completely forgotten about his own family, which would no doubt be expecting some very serious answers from him. while he had never kept his relationship with Cloud a secret from them, the news of Cloud's rather shaded past would certainly be a revelation to them, and Leon could only imagine his sisters outrage at finding out he had bought a prostitute into her home – had let a prostitute hold her children!

That confrontation would not end well.

"Screw my sister." Leon said rather bitterly but meaning every single word. "She's not important right now."

There was a long and uncomfortable pause, filled with the distinct sound of Cloud's breathing and the light chatter of the television in the background. Leon had never been more at a loss for what to say. After a moment, Leon thought he heard the soft exhale of a troubled sigh before Cloud spoke in a small and trembling voice.

"What am I gonna do, Leon?" The anguish and quiet desperation in it was like a bucket of cold water being thrown over the brunet and in an instant he knew what he had to do – all he had to do – was _be_ there.

"Hold on Cloud, don't go anywhere, I'm coming home." He said firmly.

"No, Leon you don't-"

"I'm coming. Stay there!" he interrupted, not giving Cloud another chance to argue as he hung up the phone and left his office immediately.

* * *

The moment his driver pulled up outside his apartment building, Leon realised what a stupid thing saying 'stay there' had been. The sidewalk was crowded with paparazzi and journalists, who all turned to scream questions at him and take his picture the moment his very recognisable black Mercedes pulled up.

"Want me to go round the back?" his driver asked as he spotted Leon's hesitance at getting out of the car.

"No, they'll only be there too." And with that he opened the car door and fought his way inside his building.

He found Cloud sat on the couch, knees pulled up and arms wrapped around them as he watched the flickering images of the news cast. The sound was turned up to a level just below deafening and the moment Leon placed his hand on Cloud's shoulder the blond jumped and turned.

"Holy shit, Leon. You scared me half to death."

Leon reached out for the remote, taking it from Cloud's grasp and turned the volume down to nothing before seating himself on the edge of the coffee table, facing his younger lover.

"You shouldn't keep watching this. It won't do you any good." He chided softly, taking in Cloud's ragged appearance and harrowed expression.

Cloud planted his feet on the ground and leaned forward to rest his arms on his knees, hanging his head as he sighed out a huge exhausted breath.

"I didn't…" Cloud began, lifting his head slightly but still refusing to meet Leon's gentle gaze. "I didn't realise they would find out about… I didn't think…" he stopped the moment Leon's warm hand came to rest on top of his own tightly clasped fingers, reminding Cloud to relax them, his white knuckles turning pink again as he let Leon run his thumb over the back of his hand.

"I thought they'd only be interested in you, ya know?" he finished with a small un-amused huff.

"For the most part, they are." Leon replied; his voice thick and heavy in the dense space between them that was filled with unsaid things. "They will use you to get to me – to undermine my credibility." Leon noticed the way Cloud flinched at the uncomfortable and unwelcome words. "They're only interested in making me look bad."

"Huh, I guess I don't really need any help in that department." Cloud retorted; all anger gone from his tone and just deep seated self-loathing left to fill the void.

"Cloud, listen to me." Leon said forcefully as he knelt down on the floor in front of the blond, taking his clasped hands into his properly. When Cloud wouldn't meet his eye, Leon let go of his hands and cupped his face, tugging it round lightly to meet his stern and intense gaze. "I'm sorry, okay?" he said, eyes wide and imploring. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to stop this from happening. I tried… but… It's my fault. I know-"

"What? No, this isn't your fault, Leon." Cloud returned; his eyes filled with guilt. "If it's anyone's fault it's mine. I'm the hooker, remember? I'm the one that's mucking up your life with mine!"

Leon's heart clenched again, hating that he couldn't make Cloud see what was really going on, hating that he couldn't protect him from it like he promised him he would. Both of them sat there, facing the other and blaming themselves, completely oblivious to the idea that maybe the blame lay with neither of them.

"Cloud, you're not mucking up anything." Leon whispered, lightly tracing his thumb over his younger lover's cheek "and you're not a hooker, not anymore. You're my partner and I love you."

And as much as Cloud wanted to believe those words, he felt far too much guilt to ever take them seriously. Leon's reputation, his career, his family, was on the line because of him and his previous 'job.' There was nothing Leon could ever say that would make Cloud feel any less responsible, and Cloud just couldn't bring himself to feel worthy enough of the affection that Leon was offering him.

As the silence stretched on, waiting for Cloud's reply, the ache in Leon's chest seemed to worsen. He didn't know he needed to hear those words quite so badly, but the absence of them made his longing that much more acute. He needed to hear Cloud say it. He watched Cloud's lips as they opened, sure that the words where just on the tip of his other's tongue and he watched how those lips trembled ever so slightly, as if struggling to form sound.

When Leon could no longer stand the silence that spoke volumes to him, he leaned in and kissed Cloud, the contact almost like he was trying to draw the words from Cloud's mouth with his own.

He felt Cloud's hands in his hair, tugging and pulling to deepen the caress and Leon felt a dam inside him break. All of his lust, all of his carefully stowed away passion came spilling out and he let it smother him, drowning out his hurt and rejection as he pushed Cloud back onto the couch. He laid him lengthways along the cushions and covered the blond's rapidly heating body with his own.

Nudging Cloud's legs apart with his knee, Leon settled between the younger's thighs, carefully pressing his hips down, moving ever so slightly back and forth to feel the heated friction. He felt Cloud gasp against his mouth and he swallowed the sound, clenching his fists into the white shirt that covered his lover's body. He tugged at it, stretching the material until it was lose and baggy around the neck and he broke the kiss only to pull it off over Cloud's head, barely stopping to notice the look on his younger's face caught somewhere between arousal and distress.

He kissed at the wetness of Cloud's mouth, trailing his moist lips down a gently curving throat, nipping at the angles of his collarbone and placing small, soft little bites to the corded muscle of the younger's neck. He placed his hands on the flesh of Cloud's chest and rubbed his palm over the sensitive nipple, feeling Cloud buck up into him, the hand at the back of his neck tightening and tugging involuntary.

He sat up, quick to remove his own tie and shirt, to unbuckle his own trousers that had grown too tight. He knocked Cloud's fumbling hands aside and flicked the button on the younger man's jeans, ripping apart the zipper as he tugged downwards, impatiently. He pulled the clothes off Cloud's legs, shuffling out of his own and placed himself back on top of his softly panting lover.

The heat of Cloud's body was new to him all over again. The way the blond opened his legs wordlessly, pulling him in with a foot to the back of his calf; the feel of Cloud's fingers biting into the flesh of his back, and the way he turned his hips, moaning with his deep baritone voice as he did made Leon shudder with remembered passion.  
He reached down between them; taking both of them in his hand and he bucked as he heard Cloud moan his name, clinging tighter to the brunet's shoulders.

"Leon, I'm gonna…"

But it was too late. Cloud trembled violently, crying out his open-mouthed shock as he came, shivering through his sudden orgasm as Leon continued to stroke and rock against him.

Cloud threw his head back into the couch, his harsh panting breaths pulsing in rhythm to his thundering heartbeat. He felt Leon sit back onto his feet, gripping Cloud behind his knee and lift his leg up, exposing him. He closed his eyes at the feel of Leon's coated fingers entering him and let himself float. He barely even noticed as Leon pushed down on him again, his knee pressed to his chest as Leon nudged his way in, and all at once, Leon's hips where flush to Cloud's backside.

Leon reached down and kissed the blond, sighing heavily into his mouth as Cloud kissed back, allowing the slow rhythm of the brunet's gentle thrusts to keep him grounded.

It wasn't long before Leon was coming, hard and hot, pushing himself as far into Cloud's body as he could, his hand gripping the flesh of Cloud's thigh so hard that it would bruise. The whole desperate thing had taken only minutes.

The ticking moments of 'after' seeped by slowly, and as Leon let go of his lover's leg, pushing himself up onto his arms, he looked down at Cloud's face, turned away from him towards the muted television.

"Cloud?" Leon called out, his voice gravelly and deep. He turned Cloud's face towards him, noting the flush of red across his high cheekbones and the light sheen of sweat that made his skin glow. Cloud's kiss bruised lips were parted, but his eyes seemed fogged up – far away.

That terrible feeling that Cloud was slipping further and further away came tumbling back to Leon, even though he couldn't have been physically closer – his cock still buried in his lover's tight heat.

"Cloud, I thought this was what you wanted." Leon stated, noting how Cloud's brows came together to form a distant frown. He watched the younger lick his lips.

"It is."

But the voice was small - far away and distracted - like he wasn't revealing all.

Leon could do no more. He bent to envelope Cloud in a hug, manoeuvring them until they were laying side by side, limbs tangled in the waning heat of their encounter.

"I'm sorry, Cloud." Leon repeated, imploring the younger to forgive him, begging him to absolving him of failing to protect him; to be there for him.

"I know." Replied Cloud "me too."

* * *

It was late at night, or early in the morning, when Cloud was shaken awake by a hand on his shoulder. He turned his head, eyes bleary from the gentle bedside lamp to see Leon leaning over him.

"You were having a nightmare." He informed him softly, rubbing his hand up and down Cloud's arm, his touch warm and comforting.

"Uh. Sorry." Cloud replied sleepily; completely unable to recall any of the images from his troubled sleep. Still, he knew the dull ache behind his temples meant that he had been dreaming again. He rolled onto his side, back to his older lover and tried to get comfortable again. The steady pounding in his head remained.

"Cloud?" He heard the brunet call to him. He twisted his head back to find Leon's eyes, which were clouded with concern and pain, trailing the curve of his back, before the older met his questioning gaze over his shoulder. "You know I'd do anything for you, don't you?"

The strange question coupled with the intense way that Leon looked at him, made Cloud feel uneasy. He nodded once. His skin tingled and he tensed the moment he felt the tips of Leon's fingers trace the scars that his eyes had followed. Cloud's unease worsened, hating the attention Leon gave to such an ugly part of him. He turned back, pillowing his head on his arm as he let Leon touch him. He felt the bed dip as the brunet moved closer and the warmth against his back as Leon curled himself around the smaller blond, an arm snaking around his middle to pull him into a lose hug. A light kiss was placed to his shoulder.

"What was his name?" He heard Leon ask, his voice a hushed whisper.

"Who?" Cloud was momentarily confused before an icy fear crept through his guts at Leon's reply.

"The man who did this to you."

Pain, so sharp and acute shot through Cloud as the vivid memory of a man's face flashed behind his closed eyelids. It wasn't a face he would ever be able to forget, no matter how much he wanted to.

"Why do you want to know?" He asked; trying to calm his wildly beating heart. He didn't want to be having this conversation. He never wanted to think, speak or remember anything about the man that had hurt him for so long, least of all with Leon. There were so many things that made Cloud feel inadequate and pathetic when around Leon, he didn't need or want to add this onto his very extensive list. The less Leon knew about his humiliating childhood, the better.

"I just do."

Cloud swallowed past the lump in his throat and for an uncontrollable moment, he hated Leon. For making him think about this - for making him talk about it. He turned slightly to look up at the older man whose head was propped up on his bent arm, hand fisted against his temple as he gazed down at Cloud.

"Why are you asking me about this?" He asked, silently pleading with Leon to just drop the issue and let him go back to sleep - nightmares and all!

"Because we never talk about it."

"We never talk full stop, Leon. Why the hell are you so interested in this all of a sudden?" Cloud's voice had risen slightly.

"Cloud, it was only a question. Don't I have the right to know?"

"No." He answered bluntly, turning back onto his side, facing away. He felt the brunet tense, his arm that had been placed so soothingly and reassuringly around Cloud's waist was moved and all at once Cloud felt himself being turned onto his back, a forceful hand on his shoulder.

"How much longer do you think you can carry on ignoring what happened to you?" The brunet barked at him, his face thunderous and his tone sharp. "I knew being together wouldn't be easy, but you keep putting up these walls and I... I don't know what to do. You keep pushing me away when all I want to do is help you and fuck knows you need it, Cloud."

The blond bristled, completely unprepared for the verbal attack, his pounding head growing more fierce by the minute.

"How much longer do you think you can go on pretending like it didn't happen?"

At Leon's angry words, Cloud felt a sudden moment of clarity. He hadn't realised, but he knew in that second with absolute certainty that he _had_ been trying to pretend none of it had happened. And he wished with all of his body - so hard that it made him ache - that none of it had. He couldn't even begin to put into words how much he wished he didn't have this filth on him - this weight of shame on him. And the realisation that it would never go away, no matter how hard he wished it made him feel so bone wearily sad.

Cloud looked back up at Leon, all his anger gone, replaced with a heavy sadness that he didn't know how to escape from.

"I wish it hadn't" he admitted, weakly.

Cloud's sudden honesty took Leon by surprise. His eyebrows smoothed out as he took in Cloud's lost expression and he immediately regretted his harsh words.

"Cloud, I... I'm sorry." Leon stammered, hating himself.

"I just want to forget about it, Leon."

He heard the exhaustion in Cloud's voice and saw the weariness in the jaded shadows of his eyes and Leon had never been more convinced of the damage that had been done to his lover, years before he ever knew him, while he was still a child.

"You can't, Cloud. You know you can't."

And as much as Cloud knew anything, he knew without a doubt that Leon was right. He let Leon turn him over, perversely grateful for the comfort, despite how much their conversation had cause his skin to crawl, and let Leon hug him; pulling him close to his chest, his soft head of spikes tucked under his older lover's chin.

For no other reason than the simple fact that he no longer felt like keeping it a secret, he whispered the name of his childhood abuser, the release of it like a small weight being lifted from his chest. The ache behind his temples lessened.

"His name was Riven Kane."

Leon kissed the top of Cloud's head, warmed by his lover's trust in him despite the icy knot of anger in his belly for the faceless animal that had spent years wounding Cloud over and over.

"Is he still alive?"

"I don't know." The blond replied; his voice soaked with sleep "don't care."

And no more was said. Leon let Cloud drift off; content to feel his soft breath against his chest as he gently ran his fingers up and down his back, revelling in the simple act of just holding his lover - something he hadn't done in so long. He didn't want to fall asleep, but eventually, his eyes closed and darkness took him.

* * *

"And are you sleeping any better?" Dr Houseman asked, placing his glasses back on his face, his brows raised. His look was direct and pointed, seeing clearly the dark shadows underneath his patient's eyes and the slight pallor of his skin. In truth, Cloud looked exhausted. It had been a long week.

"Not really." The blond replied, seeing no reason to lie about something that was so obvious. The media circus that had erupted - after the cctv footage of himself and Leon in a particularly compromising position in a hotel lift in Esther City had been leaked - was no closer to dying down and Cloud was exhausted with the worry and humiliation of every news item and every talk show host's mention of him. He was sick of seeing his picture in the paper and even more sick of seeing the fuzzy, blurred out screencap of that damming video from their trip to Esther. He was sick of the jokes and the bad satire of the late night topic shows and he was sick of the insinuations and veiled insults. He hated seeing pictures of Leon looking hounded splashed all over the front of the daily newspapers and he was sick of feeling helpless to put an end to it all.

"Leon seems to think it will die down soon." He said, not sounding nearly as convinced as his older lover had.

Doctor Houseman nodded, his searching gaze never leaving Cloud's face as the younger man began to fidget under the scrutiny.

"And how have you and Leon been getting on?"

Cloud suppressed the urge to sigh. He'd known this was coming.

"Okay, we... we talked a little." Cloud didn't really know how much he wanted to reveal about how dire the state of his relationship was. It wasn't like the man could fix that.

"About what?"

"About me." Cloud said, his answers being drawn from him painfully.

"What about you?"

There was a long moment of silence as Cloud stared back at the therapist, his gaze level and considering. Cloud knew full well what the man was doing, the only question was: was he going to comply?

"He thinks I'm running away." He offered.

"Are you?"

The directness of the question startled Cloud and he had to take a few moments to consider how to answer. He didn't think he was running, but then again, he wasn't exactly any closer to resolving anything either.

"I... I don't..." Cloud stammered, feeling like he was under some sort of microscope all of a sudden. "I don't think so. At least, I'm not doing it on purpose." He answered as honestly as he could.

"And when you're on your own with him, what do you talk about?"

"We don't." That question was easy enough to answer.

"Why is that?" The doctor placed his chin into his hand, his gaze sharp and inquisitive.

Cloud was about to open his mouth to reply with a complaint. It was Leon's fault: he worked so late: they never spent enough time together; but the memory of the night a few days ago, when he had revealed more than he'd meant to about the man that had hurt him came to him and he realised, rather uncomfortably, that that wasn't strictly true.

Cloud had done his best to avoid that conversation. In fact he'd been down-right rude; snapping and yelling in order to draw the conversation away from anything that made him uncomfortable. Cloud had to take a few moments, this rapidly growing realisation causing his head to spin as the more he thought about it, the more occasions he could recall. He did this every time!

"B... because I don't want to." He admitted in a small voice. "I... I shut him down as soon as he opens his mouth. I... I provoke him into arguments to avoid... I... it's my fault." The realisation was more than a crushing blow.

"Why would you think that?" The doctor asked; genuine puzzlement on his face.

"Because I can't... I don't want to talk about it." And finally, Cloud realised with all certainty he was indeed running away.

"Tell me Cloud, when this man your mother bought home, when he hit you or hurt you what did you used to do?" The question was so personal, so direct and so out of his comfort zone that for a moment, Cloud was completely stunned to silence. He felt the ever so familiar stirrings of anger before reminding himself, with a rather sardonic smile that it was exactly that sort of reaction which was harming him.

"I provoked him." He replied, engaging with his therapist properly for the first time since he had first walked into his office nearly two months ago.

The doctor nodded, as if the answer was self-evident and he gestured encouragingly for the blond to continue.

"I'd make him mad so that whenever he'd hit me, I felt like I deserved it. I... I told myself that I was bad... that... that I..." Cloud stopped, unable to continue as a feeling of utter revulsion and shame washed over him, fresh and sharp as the day it was first felt.

The doctor could clearly see the distress written all over Cloud's face, his self-loathing and his guilt both warring for dominance.

"Behaviour is learnt through repetition, Cloud." He said softly "and we learn most of our behavioural patterns when we are young. This system you have of provoking reaction to subvert consequences is something you have been doing for most of your life." The doctor said; his voice gentle, his words sinking in and actually making sense for the first time.

"You have identified the reason why you avoid talking about your past. As you say, it is extremely personal - painful. That is perfectly normal. You have done nothing wrong, and none of what happened to you was your fault but you must learn to recognise when you are subverting other people's actions, otherwise you will never have a proper, meaningful relationship with anyone. You can never be close to anyone - close to Leon - if you are constantly trying to avoid and manipulate your relationship."

The cold dread of realisation had settled on him fully and he felt the age old ache in his centre that he had carried around with him for years. The consequences of such a horrifying childhood, the wounds that had been given to him so long ago where like bruises, Cloud realised. The initial trauma of his childhood had been withstood. He had used whatever mechanisms he'd needed to survive, and survive he had. But now the slow passage of time had revealed the depth to which he had been marked; his pain and suffering slowly flowering like a contusion under his skin that spread and spread, developing over time and growing darker. The effects of his harrowing abuse were still being felt, and their ripples were far reaching.

"I... I want..." Cloud was almost speechless. He had such a strong moment of clarity, such a determined feeling of resolve; he couldn't quite get it out. "How do I make it stop?" He had never been more determined to be rid of his demons.

Doctor Houseman smiled, kindly. The intensity of his gaze had softened and Cloud realised now how welcoming his face actually looked.

"Finally, now we can start." The man said, sighing with relief


	4. Physics

**A/N: **This chapter is also naughty, consider yourselves warned…again!

* * *

"_For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."_

– Newton's third law of motion

**4**

**Physics **

Cloud sat watching the cars as they sped past, counting off the red ones quietly in his head as they moved down the freeway; Hollow Bastion getting smaller and smaller behind them. Dollet was a good five hours ahead of them, but in the small seaside town lay Leon's beach house and a few days rest from the media disaster that had been their lives for the past two weeks.

Autumn had well and truly come and the early morning air had been freezing, a thin layer of frost covering everything, making the trees that lined the avenues of the Bastion city look pale and wraith-like.

Cloud reached over to turn the heating down, looking across at Leon who was checking the rear view mirror, his steady arms out straight in front of him as he gripped the steering wheel and Cloud was struck by how incredibly handsome he was. Leon's profile was smooth and refined; the casual grey loose-knit jumper hung off of his broad shoulders and complemented the stormy colour of his eyes, which were fixed on the road ahead, his fine brows creased ever so slightly in concentration.

Feeling Cloud's eyes on him, he looked over, one brow quirked, a vague smile ghosting his lips when he saw the younger man's appreciative stare.

"See something you like?" He teased.

Cloud rolled his eyes, turning back to the road beside him and tried not to let his gaze wonder back to his rather distracting partner. He had to admit, he was incredibly excited about their little escape plan. It had been far too long since they had done anything together or been anywhere outside of Hollow Bastion, and Cloud knew just how he wanted to spend the four days.

He felt a hand take his own and when he looked over he found Leon glancing at him. The older man brought their hands up to his lips and kissed Cloud's fingers, giving them a little squeeze.

"I'm proud of you, you know that?" He said, watching the slight blush rise on the blond's cheeks.

Cloud turned away to watch the cars again, unable to bring himself to either answer the man or even look at him; Leon's rich chuckle only compounding Cloud's embarrassment.

"What on earth makes you say that?" He asked finally, still unable to tare his gaze away from the passing cars.

"I just am. Can't I be proud of you if I want to be?" He asked, completely aware that he had not said these sorts of things nearly as much as he should have. He made a mental note to remedy that.

Cloud's bewildered silence was his only answer, but the small blush that remained on his cheeks reassured Leon that his mercurial lover hadn't taken it too much to heart.

"I don't ever want you to think that I'm ashamed of you, Cloud." He continued, feeling all of a sudden like he needed to set a few things straight. "That's not what these last four months have been about. I... I didn't hide you away because I was ashamed."

He watched his younger lover as Cloud's jaw tensed and his brows knit together; his expression upset.

"I... I just didn't want you to get hurt. I knew what would happen when all of this... I... I'm not saying I did the right thing, but, I need you to know, I did it for the right reasons. I only ever wanted to protect you. I never meant to make you feel like I did."

Cloud nodded, looking down at their joined hands that rested on the console between them and he had to remind himself of Doctor Houseman's words: about allowing people to care for him; giving himself permission to be cared for. It was difficult, especially when all he wanted to do was deny Leon's words and assume the worst instead; believing that he wasn't worth protecting and that Leon was tiring of him. Those were big voices to talk down and drown out, but the doctor had told him it would get easier with practice. He had to start being kinder to himself.

"I know." He let himself say, realising that as soon as he'd said it, he knew it to be true. "I... I'm sorry for saying those things... about us. I never meant... I mean..." Cloud let out an exasperated sigh, frustrated with his lack of eloquence. "I guess… I really sounded stupid, huh?"

"You weren't stupid, Cloud. You could never be stupid; not to me."

The brunet's words warmed Cloud, who let himself be affected by them without putting up too much of a struggle. Sometimes, it was easy, really.

"You know what I've always wanted to do?" Cloud asked suddenly after a few long moments of comfortable silence. Leon looked over at him, noting his light and care free expression. "I've always wanted to have a campfire on the beach."

Cloud looked over at Leon's amused face, knowing full well that his confession was silly and childish, but not really caring.

"When I was a kid, I saw this picture in a magazine. These boys had a fire on the beach… they were camping and stuff... It looked like fun. I always wanted to do it."

Leon's heart warmed to see the blond's goofy grin, his pulse doing uncomfortable little flip flops when he heard his boyish chuckle and he promised himself right then, that he would do whatever it took to make Cloud laugh and smile like that as much as he could.

"Right, then we'll do that!" He promised, unable to take his eyes off of Cloud's relaxed and happy face.

"You'd better watch the road at some point." Cloud informed him after a few obvious seconds of open staring.

* * *

The moment they arrived in Dollet - Leon's much more modest and discreet BMW pulling up into the long private drive way of his secluded beach house - Cloud practically fell through the front door in his rush to get inside. Not only was it at least 10° colder on the coast, but the house was his most favourite place in the whole world.

They had come here only twice in the year they had been together, their first time had also been their first Christmas; the second had been a family get together over a weekend barbeque.

Cloud threw himself down onto the couch and sighed a deep breath of contentment.

"Yeah, don't worry; I'll get the bags then." Leon called out sarcastically, disappearing into the bedroom with a large duffle bag.

Cloud rolled his eyes, standing to follow his lover into the bedroom, picking up a bag from the entry way as he passed. He was caught off guard by Leon who grabbed him from behind, wrapping his arms around the blond and pressed warm kisses under the felt collar of his coat to the nape of his neck, moving them closer to the bed.

Cloud let himself be moved, warm butterflies tingling in his stomach at the feel of Leon's cold hands working their way up underneath his light sweater, dragging frigid circles across his abdomen and raising goose bumps. Cloud felt his nipples go hard and a solid shiver scrape down his back at the feel of Leon's already rock hard cock pressed into his backside.

He let Leon undress him, a soft affectionate smile on his lips every time Leon caught his eye as the older man took his time peeling away the cotton of his jumper, the buckle of his belt; unlacing his boots. Leon peered up at the younger man through thick choppy bangs as he ran his hands up the length of Cloud's thighs, tugging on the material to bring the jeans down.

Cloud stepped out of them gracefully; completely unaware of his own natural beauty and the effect it had on the older man, who looked at him with a mixture of bewilderment and awe. A fine curl of lust, slipped into Leon's gaze and his breathing hitched when his eyes finally locked on his younger's face.

Cloud was staring at him with open want. The intensity of his lust was palpable in his wide dilated pupils and ragged uneven breaths, his pulse point jumping under flushed skin at his neck and his straining erection. Cloud stood completely unabashed, confident in his nakedness and under the intense scrutiny of the older man. A charged moment ignited between the two that had been missing for what seemed like years.

"God, I've missed you." Leon whispered, rising from his crouched position. He reached out and cupped Cloud's face, reading the relief in his lover's large blue eyes. He pulled him in, pressing his still fully clothed body against Cloud's naked form, crushing the blond to him in a desperate, consuming kiss.

Cloud fisted his hands in the front of Leon's coat, the chill from the autumn air still clinging to the fibres and causing him to shiver. He had no words for the immense rush of relief that had flooded him with Leon's confession; there was simply no way to explain how good it felt to be wanted again – to be desired. It had been so long since Cloud had felt even remotely connected to Leon, even faintly confident in the older man's feeling towards him. But Cloud couldn't deny the way that Leon pawed at his skin, his large hands gripping the flesh of his buttocks as he moved them towards the bed, the soft covers brushing the back of Cloud's legs. He tugged at the older man's clothes, managing a hoarse "these… off" before turning them and tipping the older man back onto the bed.

Leon chuckled darkly, helping his eager lover with his clothes and soon his arms were full of Cloud again as the younger man pressed his body against Leon's newly exposed skin, and there was only one thing that Cloud wanted to do.

He raised himself up onto his arms, purposefully brushing his hips against Leon's and relishing in the dark brunet's sharp intake of breath through gritted teeth. He gently slid his body downwards, kissing patches of toned, tan skin that stretched over the lean muscle of Leon's stomach. He stopped, feeling the brush of Leon's cock underneath his chin and the light musky scent of arousal as it hit his nose.

He teased Leon, placing small, moist kisses to the patches of skin around his groin, and he gave a little smile at the feel of Leon's impatient hands as they thread their way into his hair.

"Pushy, aren't we?" he said before licking his way up Leon's shaft, placing a light, wet kiss to the head.

" 've no idea." Leon breathed, unable to form any kind of come back with Cloud's mouth just inches from where he wanted him.

Cloud took pity on him and parted his lips, pushing the head of Leon's cock past his soft moist lips, swirling the flat of his tongue around the shaft as he pulled him in further. If there was one thing that Cloud knew how to do well, it was suck cock. His bright eyes sparkled in response to Leon's deep moan, drawing his lips tighter as he pulled back, cheeks hollowed.

"Fuck, Cloud… if you don't stop… 'm gonna…" Leon let Cloud suck him for a few moments more, before gently grasping his chin, pulling the younger away.

Cloud placed himself back over Leon, letting the older man turn them, manoeuvring himself into position above Cloud.

"Turn over." He whispered to him, placing a fleeting kiss to Cloud's lip as he ran the back of his knuckle along his jaw.

Cloud obliged, twisting himself onto his stomach, ass raised slightly as he felt Leon settle himself in between his legs again, palm cupping the back of his thigh to spread him a little wider. He shivered, hearing Leon spit into his palm and then the thrilling sensation of something hot and blunt at his opening. His hands fisted the sheets, his hiss of encouragement vented through clenched teeth as he tried to relax against the slow roll of Leon's hips as stroke by stroke, he worked himself inside.

He felt Leon settle against his back, his body weight braced on his forearms as he stared to move, breath ghosting the back of Clouds neck as the younger man ducked his chin, cheek pressed to the cotton sheets as he moaned and rubbed himself into the mattress in slow easy circles.

He felt Leon open his legs a little wider, the angel of the man's thrusts changing to hit that spot inside of him, just where he wanted him and Cloud tried to work a hand down underneath him, unable to properly jerk himself off but the slow ululations of Leon's movements keeping him just above frantic.

He let Leon fuck him into the mattress, completely giving over control to the older man as he moaned and gasped his way to completion, his orgasm only moments before the older brunets.

Sated and recollected, Leon rolled off his younger partner, pulling the quietly quivering man into his chest.

"Just so you know," he panted. "We're gonna be doing that a lot, this weekend."

Cloud snorted, kissing the skin under his cheek as he lazily ran his fingertips along the ridges of Leon's ribs

"Fine by me."

Leon stirred; looking at his wrist watch he poked Cloud in the side.

"Hey, I need you to go get some groceries. Shops will be shutting soon."

Cloud grunted, not quite ready to move just yet, nuzzling his cheek harder into Leon's chest in protest. It had been a long drive and he was almost on the cusp of sleep.

"Don't wanna." He moaned, only relenting after a good few seconds of incessant poking. He stood up and flipped Leon the bird before wondering into the bathroom for a quick shower.

* * *

The moment Cloud walked back through the front door, he knew something was up. The lights were out and the patio doors where stood wide open, allowing the freezing sea breeze to billow the curtains into the empty living room. There was silence apart from the far off murmur of music and Cloud thought that it was coming from the porch. He placed the bags of groceries down by the door, calling out suspiciously.

"Leon?"

When there was no answer, he moved towards the patio doors, finding a note taped to the sliding glass, hidden underneath the flapping curtains.

_There's a first time for everything…_

_Outside; follow the lights._

_L. x_

Cloud looked up, allowing his puzzled gaze to slip past the veranda and up the sandy path that led through high twisted banks of dunes to a private beach, which was now lined with torches, dotted sparsely along its length, disappearing around the first bend.

Cloud stepped out onto the porch, the shale and grit from the beach crunching under his heavy boots as he trudged cautiously through the sandy hills, bewildered and completely lost for words as he came out onto the beach, the dark waters crashing softly in the distance.

To the right, tucked away in the leeside of the towering grass dunes was a figure, tall and dark, silhouetted against a fire that was burning orange against the inky blackness of the beach. By the time Cloud reached it, his heart was thundering in his chest and his smile was awestruck, his eyes wide. Somewhere in the distance, the music could still be heard, light and unobtrusive and as Cloud came closer, he saw a large blanket spread out.

He stopped in front of Leon, his smile wide and infectious, white plumes of breath ghosting out as he gave a little chuckle. Leon smiled back, the collar of his coat turned up against the light wind, his hands stuffed into his pockets.

The older man stepped forwards, reaching out to take Cloud's hands in his as he tugged lightly, pulling them over to the roaring fire and sat them both down on the blanket, producing another and wrapped it around them both.

"Is this what you had in mind?" he asked, shuffling closer and curling his hand around Cloud's knee.

"Uh, yeah… I… guess…" Cloud replied, still entirely too bewildered to form proper sentences. He looked across at Leon's smug face, and laughed. The bastard knew he'd impressed him.

"I bought some of these." Leon said, placing a bag full of sweets down in front of them, his heart nearly skipping a whole series of beats as he heard Cloud's full laugh, as the younger man pulled out bags of marshmallows and M&Ms.

Leon had never forgotten Cloud's love of sweets, despite his insistence that he would never be addicted to anything.

"Well, you just think of everything, don't you?" Cloud replied, cheeks red not just from the sting of the bitter wind.

"I like to be efficient."

Cloud scoffed, feeling the uncomfortable but not unpleasant feelings that filled his stomach whenever Leon paid any attention to him. They warmed him, making his head spin and his heart try to pound through his chest. He settled himself into Leon's side, allowing the older man to place his arm around him, pulling the blanket tighter around them both as they sat and watched the fire.

After a long and comfortable silence, listening to the sound of the crashing waves and the spitting and crackle of the fire, Cloud spoke.

"So how does a spoilt rich kid billionaire learn how to build a fire, anyway? Do they have, like, special finishing schools where they teach you how to do rugged man stuff?"

Leon laughed; his chuckle rich and smooth.

"No, I just got my butler to do it." he said pointing over his shoulder. "I keep him locked away in the cellar so you'd think I was really cool and butch."

"Butch?" Cloud repeated, his top lip curled and his eyebrow raised. "If there's one thing you'll never be, Leon, it's butch." Cloud laughed as he was pushed sideways, falling into the sand as Leon gripped his foot, tipping him.

Once Cloud had righted himself and his chuckles had died down, Leon opened a bag of sweets, throwing one or two idly at his blond lover who tried to catch them and throw them back.

"My dad used to bring us out here for summer vacation. Him and mom used to camp down here on the beach with us." He said, pointing a way off down the sandy coast line.

As much as Cloud tried not to, he couldn't help the feelings of jealousy and envy seep through him. It wasn't Leon's fault that he had had such an appalling childhood or that Leon had had such a wonderful one, and it wasn't fair to be so childish over something that he couldn't change. He thought of the picture he had seen in one of his mother's magazines, and he thought of the scene Leon had just described and realised how similar they were, and yet, at the same time, how completely opposite. Cloud's mother had been nothing like a mother should have been. She had been cold and illusive – drunk most of the time – only paying attention to Cloud when she needed someone to tell her how much they loved her. Cloud's early childhood had been filled with a random carrousel of men, coming and going, picking up and dropping his mother as it suited them, and he had been left to fill the empty void in between – desperately wanting to please his mother, because he loved her, but hating her in a weird way that made him feel uncomfortable and ashamed. He knew he shouldn't hate his mother, but yet he had.

"What was your mom like?" Cloud asked, eager to know what other people's moms did, if they weren't drunk or high or with other men.

"She was beautiful." Leon replied simply. "She always had this happy little smile on her face, no matter what was happening."

Cloud could see the wistful smile of remembrance play around Leon's mouth and he realised _that_ was the look of someone who had _never_ hated their mother. In a million years, Cloud could not imagine a person who could make him feel like that. His chance had been and gone, and his mother had let him down, badly.

"What about your dad?" Cloud asked when he realised he had at least some idea of what a mother should have been. Some small part of Cloud still remembered his mother telling him she loved him, kissing him good night and in that way, he could relate, at least in part, to the rest of the world. However, Cloud had no notion what so ever of a father. What was it like to have one? The idea of a man who was supposed to love you unconditionally, without insidious intentions or perverted desires was something Cloud had never been able to picture before, and even though he had never considered Riven to be anything other than a horrific monster, he had been the closest thing to a father that Cloud had ever had, and that thought made him incredibly sad.

"Up until mom died, he was the best." Leon said. Placing a marshmallow on the end of a stick and holding it over the fire. "He was always laughing with us and taking us places."

Cloud watched the sugary sweet as Leon turned it in the flames, its pink coating slowly turning black and them bubbling under the surface.

"But afterwards… I don't know, he just kind of… faded away." Leon confessed in a small voice, his inner eye lost with memories. "It was like he went away, from all of us, even though he was still here. And when he came back, he was a different person. Does that make sense?" The brunet turned to Cloud, who was watching him with thoughtful eyes, his mind slowly turning over his words as he thought about them.

"I guess, you can't go through something like that and not expect it to change you." he said eventually, picking up a marshmallow and following Leon's example. "I mean, it was his wife… and she didn't just leave him… she died. Nothing's as permanent."

Leon nodded, knowing deep down that Cloud was right, that maybe he should have given his father a lot more credit. But still, that childish need to have his father was still buried deep within him, and he rebelled because the man had failed him. He was bitter with the realisation that he had not only lost a mother, but a perfectly good father as well, and that the slow eroding of his family had begun a long time ago.

Leon shook himself, not wanting to think about morose thoughts anymore. He had brought Cloud out here for a special night, not to wallow in his own angst.

"Anyway, it doesn't matter now. It's all in the past." he said, reaching over to pull Cloud into a kiss. He placed his lips against his younger's and relished in the way their warm breaths spilled over chilled skin, lips tingling from the play of sensations. He stroked his cheek, rubbing his thumb over the soft, peachy flesh and pulled away, tenderly carding his fingers through the bangs around Cloud's face, pushing errant strands behind his ears.

"Now we have each other." He said, his eyes, dark and sincere.

* * *

The deep rumbling of an engine rolling up the long private drive towards their beach house woke Leon, and he looked across bleary eyed and confused at the digital clock on the bedside cabinet. Untangling his legs from Cloud's and unwrapping his arms from around the blond's waist he pulled away, placing a quick kiss to a chilly shoulder.

Cloud stirred, raising his head from the pillow and looked over his shoulder as Leon swung his legs around and sat up.

"Whassup?" he mumbled, rubbing his cheek back into the pillow and stretching out further onto his stomach.

"I think I hear a car." Leon replied, voice thick.

Cloud turned over, puzzled expression softened by the grogginess of sleep and the pillow lines etched into the side of his face.

"What time is it?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Almost nine thirty." Leon replied, pulling on a pair of sweat pants. He rose and walked to the bedroom door, only halfway across the wide expanse of carpet before he heard a knock at the front door. He turned to cast a confused look at his lover.

"Who knows we're here?" Cloud asked him, sitting up and throwing his own legs over the side of the bed. Leon had to shake himself after a few moments of staring at Cloud's ass as he pottered about the bedroom, picking up their discarded clothes and slipping on his own pair of plaid pyjama pants.

Cloud followed his older lover and watched from their bedroom door; arms folded over his broad chest as Leon reached the end of the hall and pulled open the front door.

"Laguna?" he heard Leon say in mild surprise, stepping back as the man's father pushed past him and into the house.

"Don't give me that 'Laguna' crap, Squall. It's dad. I don't have time for your games." Cloud heard the man say as they moved off into the living room.

The man's presence was a shock in itself. After all, Cloud hadn't seen any of Leon's family since the media broke their little 'scandal' well over two weeks ago. Cloud had no idea exactly what the older man thought of his previous profession, but he could only guess that it wouldn't be very much. And judging from the way the man had breezed into their hideaway, so obviously flustered and brittle did not bode well for the younger man. He padded his way, softly down the carpeted hallway, hovering as discreetly as he could in the entryway to the living room.

"What the hell are you doing here, Laguna?" Leon demanded, completely ignoring his father's words. He stood in the centre of the room, hands on hips watching his pacing father march up and down in front of the cold, empty fireplace.

"What am I doing here?" the older man, who was almost the living image of Leon, asked with a raised eyebrow. "What do you think I'm doing here, Squall?"

Leon pulled a hand through his hair, turning about the open plan space of the living room and spread his arms out wide, clearly exasperated before any real conversation had begun.

"Well, apart from interrupting our weekend away, I haven't got a fucking clue." He snapped.

"Don't give me that crap. Your '_weekend away_?'" Laguna mocked. "You take a weekend away, right in the middle of one of our company's biggest shit storms and you ask me why I'm here?" Laguna asked, mimicking his son's stance, hands on hips, clearly unimpressed. In that moment, Cloud thought how incredibly similar they both were, not just in looks but in mannerisms and most importantly, temperament, and for the fleeting span of a second he wondered if_ he_ in any way resembled any of his long absent father, before the thought was gone again upon Laguna's next words.

"And it's all your fault, Squall. You've been fucking around with a god dammed whore."

Laguna's caustic words stung. As common as they were, and as many times as Cloud had heard them, right now, in this place, after everything he had been through, they hurt worse than they ever had done in his entire life.

"You watch your mouth, Laguna." Leon growled darkly, finger raised and pointed at him in warning.

"Am I wrong? Have the media got it wrong?"

"He's my partner!" Leon barked back, his gaze stern and hot.

"Your partner?" Laguna laughed. "He's a hooker! If you think for one moment that the board will let you keep your job while you're openly fucking a prostitute, you've got another thing coming." Laguna's tone was sharp and cutting. The man had obviously never been angrier or more serious in his life. "They're calling for your resignation, Squall."

Cloud's insides went cold. It was the thing that he had feared, but had never allowed himself to give voice to. It was the thing that he could never let happen, no matter what. He would not ruin Leon.

"You can't let them." He found himself saying suddenly, stepping out from his hiding place and into the living room. Laguna turned his gaze on him, and the eyes that Cloud had always thought of as father's eyes - that had always held some measure of warmth and laughter - had turned cold. The older man scoffed and turned away.

"I can't believe you brought him here," He muttered in disbelief. "Right in the middle of all this shit. You run away and bury your head in the sand and not only that, you take your little whore with you. Do you have any idea what this would look like if the press got wind of it?" Laguna asked, addressing only Leon and pointedly ignoring Cloud. The younger man's cheeks burned from the humiliation. "I'm used to your little games Squall, God knows I've had to put up with them all these years, but this is far and away the stupidest most disrespectful thing you've ever done. If your mother where alive-"

"I told you to watch your mouth." Leon repeated himself, stepping closer to his father. He had never hit Laguna before, but then again, the man had never given him reason to. "I don't give a shit what the board think. If they want to fire me, fine. I'll make it easier for them – I quit."

"Leon, no, think about what you're saying." Cloud warned him, desperate for this not to happen. There was no way in hell he'd let Leon throw everything away. He'd leave him first.

"As for the press, I could give a shit what they print about me." Leon continued without so much as a glance at Cloud. "And _you_?!" Leon spat, his voice low and deadly now, "You I care about least of all." Leon let his heavy words sit in the dense silence that followed them, his eyes never wavering from the eyes of his father, who looked at him in a mixture of shock, rage and hurt betrayal.

"You've never given a shit about me or what I do since the day mom died, so don't bring her into this. There is nothing between us apart from business and now even that is a pain in your ass. Your opinion means shit to me."

Cloud could feel his heart breaking, and he didn't know why. Maybe it was because a family, no matter how illusionary and deep down broken, was finally shattering right before his eyes. Cloud's own pathetic, warped upbringing had been so far from anything normal or healthy and yet Leon had all the ingredients, all the components of a family right in front of him. But no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't seem to make them fit together. Cloud didn't know which was worse: never having a family to begin with, or having one and not being able to make it work?

"If you think I'm going to put your interests – the company's interests – over the interests of _him_, then you're completely out of your fucking mind." Leon said, pointing to Cloud who stood with a burning shame and sadness on his face.

"And what about your loyalties? To me, to your family?" Laguna's voice was dangerously low. "You'd throw it all away, for him?" Laguna asked, not even bothering to glace at Cloud.

"I love him." Leon's words were firm, his eyes ablaze with fire and conviction.

"But you don't love me?" Laguna asked; his voice cracking and his face breaking under the strain of saying what he had long feared.

Leon's silence spoke volumes in the deafening quiet, and Cloud had to swallow past the painful lump in his throat. He didn't want this. He never wanted this.

"Leon, you don't mean that." He whispered; voice thick with the emotion that his lover should have been feeling.

At last, Laguna's pained and wounded gaze fell on Cloud and the blond didn't know whether he'd be able to stand the hurt and betrayal he found there.

"Are you happy now?" Laguna asked him, his voice cracked. "Are you happy with what you've done?"

Heavy, piercing pain shot through Cloud's chest as the weight and implications of the man's words sank in. Cloud's presence - his very existence in Leon's life - had not only caused his lover to lose his reputation, his credibility, and maybe his job, but had caused the biggest, most unforgivable of loses. Cloud had broken a family. In all of his life, after everything that he'd done and had been done to him, he had never felt more ashamed.

"I… I didn't…" he stammered; bewildered and hurt as a tear slipped free and tracked its way down his hot face.

"Don't you dare blame him." came Leon's smooth, dark voice.

The weight of Laguna's stare lifted as his eyes slid back to his son.

"I'll do what I can to hold back the board's decision. They need a majority vote to gain a movement of no confidence. I have two thirds of them, but I won't be able to hold them for long." Laguna said, his voice regaining some of its authority. "Sooner or later, you'll have to come back and face them."

Leon's dark scowl remained; his silence deep and uncomfortable. Cloud just wanted to disappear, his arms wrapped tightly round his middle as if he wanted to sink into himself as he took a few steps back.

"Is that all?" Leon asked eventually.

Laguna nodded, his face so broken and lost as he turned to leave.

Leon watched him go, his hot anger only subsiding once his father had shut the door behind him and the distinct sound of a car revved up in the driveway. He turned to Cloud, almost surprised to find his younger lover so upset.

"Cloud!" he exclaimed, moving closer to him, the red mist of his anger all but evaporated. Cloud stepped away from him, his hand reaching up to scratch at the back of his head in awkward shame as he fought with all of his strength to keep the tears down. He knew that if he looked at Leon, he wouldn't be able to keep it together.

"Cloud, don't you dare listen to a word he says, okay?" Leon demanded, holding out his spread hands in supplication. "Don't you dare think that-"

"Leon, just…" Cloud stammered, backing away. "Just, shut up, okay?"

And Cloud disappeared, taking himself away into the bathroom to shower alone, unable to pinpoint why he felt such a keen and impermissible loss.

* * *

**A/N Extra: **I'm completely aware that I've made Laguna into a bit of an arsehole here. He is nowhere near as lovely as his FFVIII character is and for that I'm sorry. But to make this work I had to make someone the bad guy and I figured a man like Laguna, who is head of a national corporation, couldn't have gotten where he is today playing the bumbling fool that we all know and love. (Even though Square Soft had us convinced he'd be able to run a presidency! – yeah right, pull the other one Square Soft.) So for the purposes of this little tale, I've made him a bit more of a douche, but I think we can all see (hopefully) that it comes from a good place


	5. Oaths

**A/N: **So, I'm painfully aware that this is woefully short and not a little overdue. My sincerest apologies for the latter. I was ill with the flu for a good week and a half and just seemed to lack the motivation to do _anything_. Family and work not withstanding of course, real life has just been getting in the way and it's been a bit of a pain in the arse!

As for the length of this chapter, I can only make excuses. It's the dreaded 'filler' chapter, with not much happening in the way of exciting plot but necessary for development. (Expect ominous forshadowing!)

Anywho, I really am sorry about the delay and thank you to everyone who has favourited and followed this story so far. You guys rock.

* * *

**5**

**Oaths**

Despite Leon's insistence that Cloud stay in the house while he took a shower so that they could talk once he'd finished, Cloud pulled on his coat and boots - not even bothering to lace them - and pulled open the sliding patio door. The frigid sea air hit him full force and stung his face as he trudged through the dunes and out onto the beach; the sand crisp with frost under his feet and the heavy dull clouds overhead hung low and oppressive.  
The sound of the crashing, foaming waves was soothing and Cloud let the crying of the gulls fill his mind.

He turned the collar of his coat up against the bite of the wind and hunched down further into his pockets as he walked on up the coast, not even bothering to look where he was going or how far he had gone. By the time he came to a stop, the beach house was miles behind him and ahead, stood a huge and ominous cliff face, blocking any further progress around the headland.

He turned and made his way up into the gently sloping hills, which had tapered off to nothing but small sandy mounds, cut through with long wisps of grass, and sat down, knees drawn up to his chest and watched the grey storming sea.

His mind was clamorous. Replaying the bitter scene from earlier in the morning over and over in his head, his mood darkening the longer he thought. He lent forward and rested his forehead against his knees, closing his eyes and letting the sounds of the beach fill his aching head.

He drifted and refused to think about anything, holding back the acidic thoughts that soured him. However, he couldn't withhold the overwhelming feeling that everything was wrong.

In the space of fifteen minutes, Cloud's world was back on its head again, and Cloud was feeling low.

He had no idea how long he sat there, mind numb, body bent against the cutting wind. He let time wash over him, letting his back stiffen and his legs ache before all feeling left him completely.

His mind had drifted to a memory; another cold day years before, back in Midgar when he had stood for hours in the pouring rain, afraid to move and too scared to ask for permission to come in. He'd felt the creeping, intrusive eyes of Riven, heavy on his skin as the man stood on the porch, casually peeling and eating an apple, slice by slice. And he remembered how, even though he had been shivering so violently that his joints ached, his feet had felt bolted to the ground and he could not move. He was a master at this game.

Cloud knew that if he moved, if he gave in to the cold or the hunger or the exhaustion, it would give the man all the permission he needed. Cloud was more determined than Riven had ever given him credit for, and Cloud was convinced it was winning those little battles that had seen him through to adulthood. He didn't want to think of where he'd be now if he had simply given in.

Cloud unconsciously smiled to himself and gave a bitter laugh. Quite unintentionally, he had reminded himself that he was a fighter. He had faced adversity before, in the form of something much more terrifying than anything that Leon's family or the press could ever throw at him. He hadn't come through Riven Kane and everything the man's sick mind could throw at him for nothing! He had escaped, he had survived, and what's more, he'd done it all on his own. He needed no one to value him, least of all Laguna Loire.

But still, Cloud understood that this wasn't the entire problem, despite feeling a little better. He knew that between the two of them, Leon stood to lose more than Cloud ever could. His involvement with the billionaire had jeopardised so much for the brunet, Cloud had to wonder whether their relationship - tenuous as it was - was worth the fall out. Was it worth the cost of a family, of a fortune? Cloud had to wonder. If it had been him, he didn't know whether he'd be able to give up the promise of a family, no matter how dysfunctional.

He had no idea how long he'd sat there for, but he was pulled from his sleepy thoughts by the shifting of the sand at his feet and he looked up to see Leon stood over him. The older man crouched down, placing himself in front of the younger man and took Cloud's hands into his own.

"Shit, Cloud. You're freezing." He said, rubbing his hands over the blond's numb fingers. "You're lips are blue!" he commented, noting how Cloud swayed ever so slightly, his whole frame shivering with the slightest tremble.

Cloud knew that he was so cold he was beyond feeling and it was exactly what he wanted. Looking down at Leon's fingers on his skin felt odd – like he was disconnected – and he thought maybe he had been sat out in the wind for a little bit too long.

"I needed time to think." He replied, flexing the white fingers of his left hand. When Leon caught them and pulled them up to this mouth to breathe warm, moist breath over them, Cloud was reminded of his dilemma.

"You shouldn't have spoken to your dad like that." He said absently, enjoying the feel of Leon's lips on his skin.

"Why not?" Leon asked, only a trace of his former anger still evident in his clipped tone. "It was the truth."

"Because he's your dad." Cloud chided softly, missing - for the first time in his life - the presence of his own father figure. "You only ever get one." Cloud thought, quite uncontrollably, about the only one he'd ever had and shuddered.

"Laguna hasn't been my father since I was seventeen. The only thing he's been since mom died is a business partner and a pretty distant one at that." Leon said, shuffling closer and running his hands up Cloud's arms, using his body to break the wind that swept in off the foaming sea. "It's the reason I took my mother's maiden name. It's the reason I don't even call him dad and have practically nothing to do with him." Leon didn't catch his lover's guilt ridden and sad expression. "And none of this should have been put on your shoulders. It wasn't fair of him to do that."

"He's right about everything else though." Cloud replied; resting his head against Leon's as the older man pulled him in close.

"What d'you mean?"

"You could lose your job… because of me." Cloud said, hating the world and how it worked.

"You think I care about that?" Leon asked, his own warm palm coming to rest against Cloud's frigid pale cheek.

"You should." Cloud replied, deadly serious and annoyed that Leon wasn't.

"Why should I?" Leon shot back, just as serious. "Why should I care more about my stupid job more than I care about you?" And when he put it like that, Cloud had a hard time remembering why exactly. "There isn't a single thing in this world I care about more than you, Cloud. Don't ever make the mistake of thinking otherwise."

In the end, Cloud had to admit defeat. He realised there was simply no more fight left in him and all he really wanted to do anyway was give in to Leon. He honestly had no idea what was stopping him.

"It's a lot to give up." He said lamely, realising that his only real objection was that Leon was doing this all for him, and Cloud's own ridiculously self-hating mind just couldn't accept that. He realised he needed to let go. Leon would make his own choices. Cloud couldn't be responsible for everything.

"You're worth it." Leon replied, lopsided grin charming and roguish as the bitter wind cut his hair back and forth across his handsome face.

* * *

Leon felt his phone, which was sat nestled in his trouser pocket, vibrate against his leg as they stepped through the large sliding doors and into the silent beach house.

"Why don't you go and grab another shower and warm yourself up. I just have to take a phone call." He said stepping away and into the kitchen.

Cloud nodded and slipped into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Pulling his cell from his pocket, Leon only briefly checked the caller ID, knowing full well who it would be before flipping it open and pressing it to his ear.

"Anything?" he asked; his voice low and steady.

"Nothing yet." The male voice on the other end answered; his tone serious and clipped. "We have been unable to locate the target at his last known whereabouts. It seems he has only recently moved on."

"So what now?" Leon asked, pushing past his irritation.

"We have a few leads."

"Good, I want this finished with as soon as possible. Kane is dangerous. If he's moved, I want to know where to and what he plans to do." Leon ordered; his voice low and tight. He had thought this would have been simple, like before. However Riven Kane was turning out to be illusive and cunning. It made him nervous.

"Don't worry; I have my best men on it."

Leon flipped his phone shut without another word, staring intently at the black case as he tightened his grip in agitation. There wasn't a single thing he wasn't prepared to do to find the man who had hurt Cloud, and Tsung hadn't let him down before.

Checking the time on his wrist watch he quickly flipped open his phone again and thumbed through his contacts until he came across Dr Houseman's number. The Doctor picked up on the fourth ring.

"Mr Leonhart, what can I do for you?"

"I just wanted to warn you, about Cloud." Leon began to pace, half listening to the sounds of the shower being run in the room down the hall. "My father showed up here in Dollet. Started accusing Cloud of breaking the family up. I think… well, maybe…I don't know; just keep an eye on him. I think he took it pretty bad." Leon felt the old familiar stirrings of anger as he thought of his father. "Maybe you can convince him it's not his fault."

There was a brief pause on the other end of the line before Leon heard Dr Houseman clear his throat. "Let me get this right. You want me to plant an idea in his head? An Idea based on information I'm not supposed to have because technically you're not supposed to have anything to do with Cloud's therapy?"

Inwardly, Leon sighed. "I thought we'd established that this isn't an ordinary case. Cloud doesn't know what's best for him half the time." Leon tried to refrain from gritting his teeth. "Besides, I'm paying you over 500 munnies an hour, I think I can suggest what I like, don't you?"

"Of course my apologies, Mr Leonhart. Will there be anything else?" Houseman replied stiffly.

"No, just do your job."

Once again, Leon snapped his phone shut and threw it down onto the counter before deciding the join Cloud in the shower.

* * *

A man sat in an unoccupied corner booth. The bar was one of the only bars left in Twilight Town that still allowed smoking and the man took full advantage as he pulled out a pack and lit one up. He inhaled deeply, the tip of the cigarette glowing a fierce orange in the dimness and haze of the bar. The man pulled the smoke from between his lips and blew out. A bottle of whiskey sat next to a folded up newspaper on the table in front of him and he poured himself a glass as he unfolded the paper, laying it out flat and running his hand over the crease.

A fleck of ash dropped from the tip of his cigarette and landed on the front page. The man brushed it away, leaving a grey smudge that stained the picture that was splashed underneath the headline:

**ESCAPE TO THE COUNTRY:**

**SHAMED CEO FIDDLES WHILE ROME BURNS.**

The man snorted and continued to read.

'_Billionaire CEO of Leonhart and Loire, Squall Leonhart was seen leaving his apartment with his alleged lover and former prostitute, Cloud Strife on an apparent holiday to the seaside. The news comes at a time when Leonhart and Loire industries tires to fight its way through its biggest loss of shares in its twenty year history.'_

The man took a long drink. He placed the glass back on the table, the bottom of it slamming the chipped wood a little harder than he had intended and his fists clenched just a little bit. He glared at the photo of a young man with familiar blond hair getting into a car; the driver, dark haired and well bred. He pulled angrily at his cigarette, puffing out the smoke in an aggressive breath. He unclenched his fist and his hand unconsciously went to the waist of his jeans, feeling for the distinctive outline of a hunting knife stowed safely away and out of sight. He traced the edge of it and then placed his hand back on the table. He poured himself another drink. He drank.

* * *

Leon awoke to the sound of the extractor fan and the bathroom light being flipped on and the feeling that something wasn't quite right. He opened his eyes, careful to shield them from the shaft of light which spilled out from behind the door that had been put too.

He sat up and reached over for Cloud, who was missing. Leon felt the space where he should have been and found the sheets rumbled and damp, only a vague residual heat coming from them.

The noise of retching and the unmistakable sound of vomit hitting toilet water pulled Leon from the bed. He padded swiftly over to the bathroom and threw the door open, the sight of Cloud on his knees not an unexpected one, but worrying all the same.

Cloud's body tensed again as another wave of nausea hit and he convulsed over the toilet. Leon sank down next to him, rubbing the flat of his hand over Cloud's back which was moist with sweat and chill to the touch.

"Hey, are you okay?" he finally asked after a good few moments of nothing but the blond's heavy breathing and occasional spitting. Cloud just nodded; although his white knuckles which were still wrapped around the seat of the toilet begged to differ. "Just a dream." He panted.

"A dream made you throw up?" Leon asked; worry clear in his thick, sleepy voice.

Cloud nodded again, weakly, retching slightly as his volatile stomach protested again. He settled and prised his fingers from their death grip to wipe at the cold sweat that stood out on his forehead.

"It was about Kane, wasn't it?" Leon asked; his voice dark and threatening. The light circles of his hand had stopped.

Cloud's silence was enough for Leon. He pulled the younger man to him, wrapping his arms around the shivering blond, who ducked his head and placed one sweating palm on the arm that had encircled him. "I'm remembering more." He offered simply, pressing his eyes closed against the images of his dream.

"They're memories?" Leon asked, a sharp stab of pain hitting him full force in the chest. He hadn't realised.

"Yeah, they're coming back more and more. Didn't know I'd forgotten so much." Cloud laughed without any humour. "Don't know why." He ended quietly.

"Can you talk to me about them?" Leon asked; not too hopeful about the answer. Cloud only shook his head and gripped tighter to the arms that were wrapped around him.

"What about Dr Houseman?"

Cloud thought for a moment or two before gritting his teeth and pushing past the sour acidic taste in his mouth. He swallowed dryly, opening his eyes and trying to sit back on his heels, breaking away from Leon's comforting hold.

"Yeah, maybe." He nodded, reaching up to flush the toilet, satisfied that his stomach had finished its sudden revolt. He climbed shakily to his feet and rinsed his mouth in the sink, feeling boneless and weak. His head throbbed behind his eyes. He looked up and saw Leon staring at him over his shoulder, the older man's reflection bright in the mirror over the sink. His face was dark and worried.

"Stop worrying, I'm fine." Cloud tried to reason, turning to face his lover. "Let's go back to bed." He said softly, taking Leon's hand and leading him back into the comforting blackness of the bedroom.

As Leon lay awake long after Cloud had gone to sleep, curled up under Leon's chin, the older man's thoughts turned, inevitably, back to Riven Kane. The faceless man had done nothing but occupy his thoughts since Cloud had told him his name. Leon could only wonder what kind of dreams Cloud was having, if they were bad enough to make him throw up. That coil of heated anger flared in his gut again and his consuming desire to find Kane ached in his chest. There was nothing that he wanted more than to make the man pay for every single vile and perverted thing he had ever done. Leon was determined to make him suffer and he promised to himself, as he kissed the top of Cloud's head that once he found him, the last moments of Riven Kane's life would be as full of the pain and misery that the first years of Cloud's life had been. Leon would see to it personally.


	6. Et Tut?

**A/N: **So, another short-ish chapter but choc full of happenings and dun dun duns! This next chapter is really where it all kicks off so I'm super thrilled to finally be here. This part for me is where the story really come in to its own.

This chapter has some tough material to deal with, so if you don't fancy it, skip out the middle bit. For the rest of you, I hope you all enjoy. Chapter seven is nearly ready!

* * *

"_Confession is not betrayal. What you say or do doesn't matter; only feelings matter. If they could make me stop loving you – that would be the real betrayal"_

George Orwell, 1984.

**6**

**Et Tut?**

Cloud had dreamt again. He awoke with a rattling scream still lodged in his throat and his body tense with the imagined pain of his nightmare. He never knew dreams could be so real. And he had never guessed that his memories could hold so much hurt. Although a fine sheen of sweat had broken out on his pallid skin and his eyes were wide and dark, his stomach was still. Only the pounding of his heart could be felt rattling his body as he trembled faintly.

Cloud looked over his shoulder at Leon who still slept, his face soft and relaxed, and his chest rising and falling steadily, shallow and even. Cloud let out a breath, exhaling slowly through his nose as he mentally calmed himself. He closed his eyes and clenched the sheets between his forced white knuckles, shouting down the treacherous voices in his mind. He hated that this was how he spent most nights now. He suspected it had everything to do with Doctor Houseman and what the man called their much more 'productive' therapy sessions. Cloud had never before had a problem with troubled sleep. Or memories for that matter.

Somewhere deep down, Cloud knew that what he had been doing wasn't healthy and in some way this barrage of memories in the form of uncontrollable dreams was the result of his decision to try and run from his past. How it was all catching up with him now!

Cloud swung his legs over the side of the bed and crept as quietly as he could into their living room.

They had been back from their little mini break in Dollet for a week, and as the early morning blackness gave way to a dull grey light, Cloud placed himself in the window seat and looked out over the waking city. He was too high up to be able to see the street life, but slowly, as the sky lightened and the dark bluish bruised clouds turned pink, the ochre lights across the skyline blinked out and the moon paled from view.

A year ago, he would have just been getting home, Cloud thought with some grim amusement. A year ago, his night's work would have been done and he would have been pushing open the door to his shitty rundown apartment, the wood sticking in the doorjamb as he pushed his shoulder against it to force his way into his cold and cockroach infested home. How things change.

Cloud looked around himself at Leon's lavish apartment. Not as lavish as it could have been, considering the kind of money that was currently sitting in several bank accounts, but it was lavish enough. Comparatively, it was a freaking castle and Cloud had to laugh to himself again when he thought back to that time in his life – that time that involved 5pm breakfasts, crappy motels and early morning walks of shame – when trying to imagine all of this would have seemed impossible. If someone had told him, in just twelve short months his whole life would be the epitome of complicated yet luxurious living, would he have believed them? Would he had still have done everything the same, knowing what it had cost him? Cloud didn't like the quivering seconds of doubt before he answered himself. This life had been worth it, hadn't it? Leon was worth it… wasn't he?

When all Cloud could think of was the echoing shadows of his past and about how he had been forced to face them, he wasn't so sure. Mornings like this one, which were fast becoming the norm, made it hard to be grateful.

Cloud jumped when he felt warm hands on his cool shoulders. He turned to see Leon smiling lopsidedly down at him, his gaze, quiet and searching.

"Hey, I was calling you." he said, siting opposite Cloud, his legs drawn up to tangle with the younger man's on the window seat.

"Sorry, I was thinking." Cloud replied absently.

"Another dream?" Leon knew he didn't really need to ask. Cloud nodded anyway.

"Wanna tell me about it?"

Leon didn't really expect Cloud to tell him, but he had promised himself that he would give the younger man an opportunity to open up to him whenever he could. He would be patient and he would keep trying and he hoped, one day, Cloud would surprise him.

Cloud shook his head.

Comfortable silence spread between them as it always did in these moments, and Leon leaned back to take in the early morning sunrise as it slowly crested above the skyline.

"You know what I'm most scared of?" Cloud offered suddenly. Leon lifted his head and looked at his blond lover whose soft but troubled gaze was cast out over the waking city. His face was tight yet lovely – the soft bluish/white light of the morning making his skin appear creamy and flawless, the dark circles under his eyes less defined.

"What?" Leon asked in a hushed whisper.

Cloud hefted a small sigh and his fingers began to fidget, twisting against each other. Cloud's brows creased and he licked his lips, chewing softly on the bottom one.

"All this stuff… my past… things that are coming back to me…" Cloud looked down at his hands, as if he'd only just noticed them for the first time. "… things I'd forgotten I knew about…"

Leon sat forward and placed a hand on top of Cloud's. The younger man sighed again and looked up, deep and sincere concern in his beautiful eyes.

"I'm afraid one day, you'll put your hands on me and… and I won't be able to stand it."

The one topic that Leon had always been afraid would come up had finally arrived and he found it just as daunting as he'd feared it would be. He asked the question he didn't want to know the answer to.

"Do you think that day might be soon?"

Cloud looked down again, pulling his hands from under Leon's grip and rubbed his palms on his thighs

"No… maybe, I… I don't…"

As afraid as Leon was that this issue was now between them, he understood. For some strange and ridiculous reason, he actually understood and instead of the isolating feelings of helplessness that Leon often felt when he was confronted with issues from Cloud's past, he felt that maybe, now he might be able to help.

"I get it, Cloud, I do." He said, scooting closer and draping Cloud's legs over his thighs, pulling the younger man closer to him. "You're afraid it _might_ happen so you anticipate it, maybe even pull away from me on purpose, just so it _doesn't_ happen. But ask yourself, when I do _this_ does it make your skin crawl?" Leon asked, tracing his fingers up the skin of Cloud's arm and along the collar bone. Cloud shook his head.

"Does this?" Leon followed the line of his clavicle and up his neck, cupping Cloud's jaw and he ran his thumb along his jaw and then the corner of his mouth. Again, Cloud shook his head.

"What about this?" Leon leaned in and kissed him, his other hand reaching up to cup the other side of Cloud's face. Leon pulled away and rested his forehead against Cloud's.

Cloud shook his head. "No." he breathed.

"So don't wait for problems that might never come." Leon chided gently as he rubbed the tip of his nose against Cloud's. "And if that day ever does come…" Leon swallowed against the dry feeling in the back of his throat, "we'll find a way through it. We always do."

Cloud reached up and wrapped his arms around Leon's shoulders, pulling the older man in for a brief and awkward hug.

* * *

Cloud scrubbed furiously at the moisture on his cheeks and bent forward; resting his elbows on his knees and sniffed. He blew out a harsh breath, the force of it puffing out his cheeks.

"Do you want to stop for a moment?" Dr Houseman asked; uncrossing and then re crossing his legs.

Cloud wanted to stop alright. He'd wanted to stop long before he'd even started but he'd promised himself that he was going to try. He'd promised Leon. There could be no running away from this. He shook his head and gave himself five more seconds to compose himself. When he found he couldn't find the words to continue he looked up at Dr Houseman, a sort of pleading in his wet eyes.

"Why don't you tell me what happened next." The man suggested; urging him on and cajoling his mind to skip forward past the obviously painful memory.

Cloud nodded, wringing his hands together and sat back in the chair.

"He came home from the hospital. They'd needed him to identify her 'cos I was too young. A neighbour had been watching me and as soon as he got back he sent her home." Cloud's voice was thick with emotion as his eyes filled up again. His brows creased under the heavy thoughts and his face was moments from crumbling once again. "I asked him… I asked him where she was. If she was coming home." And here Cloud found himself sobbing uncontrollably. It was almost like he was that little boy again. Seven years old and waiting for his mom to come home and tell him everything was alright, but instead he had been faced with a monster. A monster he would have to live with for the next ten years. Cloud remembered the way that Riven had stood in the doorway of the living room, his massive frame filling the space as Cloud had twisted around from watching T.V. He remembered Riven's words, cold and cruel and level. _She's dead, kid. She aint ever coming home._

Cloud covered his face with his hand and wept, feeling that terrible moment of loss and pain all over again as Riven's last words rang in his head. _It's just you and me now…_

And really, that was when his world of pain had begun in earnest. There would be no more reprieve from an unsuspecting all be it, shitty mother. There was no one who would be able to offer Cloud any protection now and the little boy who sat in front of the blaring television desperately clutching his knees to his chest knew it. On top of the pain of losing his mother, he was now faced with an even bigger terror. That little boy had cried too.

"What would you say to your younger self, if you could?" Dr Houseman's words drifted into Cloud's memories. "If you could go back there, what would you say to that little boy?"

Cloud brought his heavy breathing under control and rested his head in his hand, his elbow on the arm of the chair as he stared miserably at the floor.

"I'd never go back there, if I could." He replied; a shiver rolled down his spine at the thought.

"Alright, if we brought that little boy here, into this office? What would you say to him to comfort him?"

Cloud thought for a moment, his mind racing through all of the clichéd platitudes and useless empty sentiments.

"There is nothing you can say. Not about something like that." He finally said. "I think I'd just hold him. I'd hold him and never let go." Cloud wiped at his eyes, glad that the flow of tears had slowed to a minimum and looked blankly out at the spot where he imagined his younger self, sat curled up on the carpet, huge eyes sad and scared. "There are no words to make what happened next any better."

"What happened next?"

Cloud's eyes flicked up to meet Dr Houseman's, his whole body had gone rigid. "What do you think happened next?" he asked his own question, his gaze unwavering - a clear challenge in his stare.

"He raped you." It was clearly not a question.

Cloud cut his eyes away, uncomfortable with _that word_; hating it and resenting it. He hated Dr Houseman for using it and he hated Riven for doing it, but most of all he hated himself for being the person it had happened to.

"You don't like to think of it like that, do you, Cloud?" Houseman said, noting the discomfort clearly written on the young man's face.

"I don't like that word." Cloud confessed, knowing it was true but not understanding why.

"Why, how does it make you feel?"

Cloud's anger was getting the better of him and it was clouding his thoughts. He couldn't think properly with that swirly mass of rage filling him up. "Angry." He replied bluntly.

"Just angry?" Houseman could see the balled up fists in Cloud's lap and he saw the tightening of his jaw – the pursing of his lips.

"Mostly, yeah. Just angry…" Cloud had to pull some heavy breaths in through his stuffy nose to try and calm himself. "It makes me feel like… I…I'm small. Like I… I'm…"

"Like you're a little boy again?" Houseman offered. He caught Cloud's eye and held the younger man's gaze as surprise and understanding flooded them.

"Yeah, it makes me feel like a kid. Like I can't protect myself." Cloud's bottom lip trembled at the implications of those words but no more tears fell.

"You _were_ a little kid, Cloud. There was nothing you could have done. Nothing at all."

Houseman's words struck a deep and terrible cord in Cloud and slowly, he began to understand.

"You can't expect that little child to have stood up to a man like Riven – to have stopped him. He had all the control and you had none. Absolutely nothing that happened to you was your fault, Cloud. It happened _to_ you."

That familiar stab of shame hit through him.

"Exactly." He whispered. How could he explain how much he hated that feeling of impotence? How could he possibly explain what that feeling was like?

Houseman leaned forward in his chair and put his legal pad aside. He took off his glasses and placed them on the arm of his chair and stared intently at Cloud, who cautiously held it and stared back.

"Listen to me carefully, Cloud." Houseman's voice was soft yet firm. "It wasn't your responsibility to make it stop. You were a child. A child that was forced to deal with something that was explicit and unwanted and none of that was your fault. It never has been. I want you to take this." He said handing over an elastic band. Cloud reached over and took it, his face puzzled but open.

"I want you to wear it around your wrist and when you think those thoughts – thoughts of blame and impotence and shame - I want you to snap it against your skin. You will be surprised how many times a day you will do it, and it will give you a physical indicator as to how often these poisonous thoughts creep into your everyday life. They control you; manipulate you as surely as Riven ever did. And every time you snap that band I want you to imagine yourself punching Riven in the face. Every time those negative thoughts appear, I want you to visualise yourself physically getting rid of them. Eventually, you will begin to notice these thoughts come less and less, because you anticipate them. You know you will not allow yourself to think them and eventually, you will stop thinking them all together. You will teach yourself to un-think them."

Cloud looked at the elastic band in his hand like it was evidence of life from outer space. He gazed up at Houseman with a look of unbridled scepticism, an eyebrow cocked in disbelief.

"Just try it." Houseman said; a small smile on his face.

Their session was done for the day.

* * *

Cloud had just pushed the door too when he heard the sound of a cell phone ringing in the empty apartment. It wasn't his own, which was tucked away in the back pocket of his jeans; he followed the sound and came across Leon's phone, resting on the coffee table in front of the television.

Cloud's brows creased, realising that Leon must have forgotten it in his rush to get to work. There had been a rather passionate, rather intense round of fucking after their little heart to heart that morning and it had made Leon late. Cloud smiled as he remembered their hungry kisses and unrestrained moans and Cloud's gaze flicked to the empty window seat where Leon had pulled him into his lap and taken him there and then. Cloud had to wonder how he could ever worry about Leon's touch when just the mere thought of him and what he could do with those hands sent shooting pleasure right to his cock.

He shook the image of a sweaty and panting Leon from his mind and bent to pick up the cell phone just as it stopped ringing. He absently flicked on the TV with the remote, letting the low chatter fill the back ground with nose as he flipped open the phone and thumbed through the screens until he came to the missed calls log and in an instant his gut froze and a stinging, nagging began to buzz in his ears. Dr Houseman's name was written clearly across the screen.

Cloud pulled in a breath and with shaking fingers scrolled down the call log, his stomach churning more violently with every second as slowly and surly, Dr Houseman's name began to appear at regular intervals. From the quick maths that Cloud pulled from his head, it looked like Houseman called once every week and had been doing for months.

Cloud was startled out of his nausea and almost dropped the phone as it rang again. In a daze of confusion he opened the call and pressed the cell to his ear, listening as the voicemail clicked on and the message that had been left was played. As the sound of Dr Houseman's voice washed over him, Cloud felt his whole body go limp and he sat heavily on the edge of the coffee table, his face white and his hands trembled.

"_Mr Leonhart, I'm calling a little earlier than usual with regards to your weekly update on Cloud's latest therapy session. If you could ring me back on the usual number, we can discuss it further."_

Cloud let his hand fall and the phone tumbled from his grip, clattering to the hardwood floor. All of a sudden his chest felt too tight and that rolling wave of nausea was creeping back, higher and higher. He gagged, darting forwards as he realised he was about to be sick. He ran towards the bathroom only just making it to the sink as he retched and collapsed against the cool porcelain. Nothing came up and he lent, slumped and dry heaving as the shakes began to wrack his body.

It was a good fifteen minutes before he was able to bring himself back under control and look at his reflection in the mirror.

His rough and emotionally ragged morning session had left him feeling thin and strung out and the strain was showing. On top of it all, the shock of discovering Leon's betrayal sat as clear as day on his pale and blotchy face. He had no words for the mass that had opened up in his chest. It felt a lot like pain, but it was numb around the edges and as hard as he tried, he couldn't get past the sound of Dr Houseman's voice in his head, _discussing_ him behind his back.

The image of Leon meeting with Houseman, talking about him, talking about the things that Cloud had thought were safe – it made the acidic bile rise in the back of his throat again.

A pounding headache began to thump behind Cloud's temples, and with each beat of his heart it grew worse. A stifling fear began to smother him as he thought of all the things he had spoken about in those private moments. The details he had gone in to and the feelings that he had reluctantly let go of and lain out – all of them had been spilled to Leon behind his back. And Leon…

Cloud couldn't bring himself to think of him knowing all of it. All of his shame and weakness and all of the disgusting things that had happened to him were now Leon's. And Leon had sat there and looked him right in the face – had smiled and laughed and made love to him – all the while, sneaking behind his back to discuss the most shameful parts of himself with the one person who was supposed to be helping him.

Leon had lied to him. _Oh god, Leon had _lied_ to him._

The thought knocked him off his feet and he sank to his knees, placing his head against the chill texture of the sink bowl.

That word and Leon's face kept swimming behind his closed eyelids and Cloud could feel his chest convulse with pain and a sudden burst of anger. Leon had _lied_ to him! He had lied and manipulated and betrayed him. How could Cloud have been so stupid?

An image of Leon just over a year ago, stood in that hospital room demanding Cloud to tell him his story suddenly came to the blond and he remembered what he had felt in that moment. He had known that even then, Leon was controlling. He had used his money on more than one occasion to assuage Cloud and Cloud had eaten it up like the pathetic greedy failure that he was. He had known right from the start how much Leon liked to get his way, he had known and yet still he had trusted that the man would never push those things on him.

Cloud felt like a fool. How could a man like Leon, who was used to getting his own way ever think that something as trivial as Cloud's privacy would matter, Cloud thought bitterly. And in that moment he saw exactly what he was to Leon. He saw exactly how much he was worth, and with the billions that Leon surely had in his bank accounts, he could have bought Cloud a thousand times over. Cloud laughed when he realised that Leon already had; in almost every way that it was possible.

Cloud rose to his feet, knees weak and shaking but he held himself up. He mind was scattered between anger and bitterness, hurt and pain as he tried to think of what he should do.

His thoughts were obliterated as he heard the sound of a key in the front door and then the sound of Leon's voice calling out.

"Cloud, are you home? I forgot my phone…"

Cloud's mind became calm and in an instant he had gathered himself and marched out into the living room to find Leon bent over, picking his phone up from where Cloud had dropped it.

When the brunet turned to find Cloud stood behind him, a confused expression on his face at finding his phone open and lying on the floor, his face paled and dropped. He swallowed thickly and snapped his phone shut, pocketing it slowly as he assessed Cloud thunderous face.

"I know." Cloud cut dryly, his arms crossing over his chest to stop his clenched fists from shaking.

"Dr Houseman called."


	7. Love in the City

**A/N: **First things first: apologies for the lateness of this update. I promised some of you that it would be done nearly a week ago, but, well… my birthday celebrations kinda got out of hand and I ended up being away for like, five days. So, enough with excuses. Here is chapter seven and I warn you, you may want a tissue to hand… just sayin.

**Disclaimer: **Lyrics belong to Lissie.

* * *

'I think there is something wrong with my heart  
It feels like it has been taking apart  
And left out with the junk on the street, 'cause  
It don't beat.

Something's got a hold on my mind  
I'm living in a life that's not mine  
I know there's millions of folks to me, but  
They just passed  
In the street.

Maybe love don't live  
In the city  
No love, all give  
In the city.'

_Love in the City – Lissie._

* * *

**7**

**Love in the City**

"How long?" Cloud asked; his voice short and clipped, his face dark.

Leon swallowed visibly and fidgeted, shuffling his feet until he was facing Cloud and only a few yards separated them. He thought for a few seconds, wondering, weighing up whether Cloud might buy an out and out lie, before deciding that maybe, given everything that the young man had been through and for the sake of their relationship that honesty was probably the only way to go.

"Cloud, I… I didn't do it to hurt you, I-"

"How long?" Cloud interrupted him, his face still a terrible mask of fractured hurt and betrayal.

Leon could feel his gut clenching and he realised in a terrifying moment of clarity that this was the closest they'd come to having everything fall apart around them. To Leon, it felt as though they were stood on the brink of something that they might not be able to come back from, and it was his entire fault. His gut clenched again.

"Since the start." He admitted, though his voice was not weak and he stood with his shoulders back; Cloud had to give him that much. The younger man felt that rising wave of nausea sweep over him again before the anger burned it away.

"So you know everything then, huh?" he waited for Leon's small nod of admission before turning away and running a shaky hand through his hair. His whole body was trembling as he scrubbed at his burning face, the shame of everything he had shared with Doctor Houseman running through his mind; images and fragments of speech tumbling over themselves. Leon knew them all - Houseman had told him everything!

He heard Leon take a few steps towards him and he whirled around, his face warring between rage and hurt.

"Don't come near me." He hissed, making Leon stop in his tracks, the hands that he had raised in supplication stuck midway.

"Cloud, stop. I didn't do this just so I could-"

"Are you fucking stupid?" Cloud spat, "Do you think I'm stupid?" Leon's brow furrowed and he scowled, his own fists curling. He dropped back a few paces. "Or are you so fucking arrogant you think you can just do whatever the fuck you want?" Cloud had turned back to face him now, that lost, impotent rage swelling up and surging forward, pounding heavily behind his temples. "You think that you can mess with my head?"

"It wasn't like that!" Leon protested, uneasy with the way Cloud was slowly approaching him. "I wasn't trying to mess with your head. I just wanted to make sure-"

"Make sure that I was taking my meds like a good fucking boy?" Cloud ground out, hating how much of a fool he had been this whole time – how much of a complacent fucking moron.

"Will you stop interrupting me and let me explain?" Leon shot back, stepping into the heated no-man's land that was just a few innocent feet between them.

"Why bother? Why not just throw some money at me? You don't need to explain, you're Squall fucking Leonhart. You're a god dammed billionaire; you don't have to answer to anyone." Cloud matched the taller man step for step and when they could advance no further, Cloud raised his hands and placed them against his chest, pushing the brunet backwards. "Isn't that what you've been doing this whole time?"

"Cloud, I've never used my money to buy you-"

"Don't fucking give me that, Leon!" Cloud cut in once again, that all-consuming rage beating against the inside of his head. "You've been buying me off from the moment we first met. You paid me so you could fuck me and when I started giving you that for free you paid someone to get inside my head." Cloud tapped his temple. "You've always wanted to know what happened to me." He pushed the brunet back again, every shove taking them closer to the TV. "Every time I've complained, every time I was unhappy you just bought me something else-"

"That's not true, Cloud. How can you fucking say that?" Leon barked, awakening from his stunned silence. He cut Cloud's arms away with a shove of his own, sending the shorter man back a few inches. His aching heart was beating a wild tattoo, the heaviness of it causing his chest to tighten. This couldn't be what Cloud really thought of him, could it? "I love you."

Cloud scoffed, his face twisted in spite as he spat his next words out.

"You don't love me, Leon. You love owning me."

Leon had never been so wounded in his entire life. The hurt those words caused him slammed its way through his body and paled his face, his mouth suddenly dry and his throat tight and aching.

"You don't mean that. I don't…" but he couldn't get his words out. The hatred he saw in Cloud's eyes that had looked at him with so much love this morning was a physical blow. He couldn't breathe.

"You've never been able to love anything. Not your father, not your sister. I don't know if you've ever had a partner before me, but considering you had to pay a hooker to fuck you, I can't imagine you were doing too great in that department either."

Cloud's words were cutting like tiny shards of glass as they rained down over him, each one hitting its mark and wounding him deeply. "You've no idea what it takes to love someone because you've never had to try. You think your money will buy you everything you need."

"Cloud, stop. That's not true." Leon felt like a broken record.

"You bought me though, didn't you?" Cloud reminded him, stepping even closer. He could almost feel the body heat of the older man. "And I was cheap too, wasn't I? I mean, by your standards!"

"Don't do this." Leon begged, shaking his head as a plea.

"Why not? You've made it perfectly clear where we both stand." Cloud turned, meaning to end their conversation. He'd meant to walk away, to put as much distance between himself and the traitor as he could. He didn't want to look at him anymore, least of all hear any more of his pathetic lies. He could have sworn that he never meant to hit him. That thought had never crossed his mind. Never in all of his life had he wanted to hit anybody – not truly - and certainly not Leon, but the moment the older man put his hands on his arm, pulling him backwards and off balance, the rage in Cloud swelled and broke free. He spun and lashed out, bringing his fist round and into the side of Leon's face, just above his eye.

The older man reeled and staggered backwards, instantly letting go of Cloud's arm and he fell. He landed with a sickening thud against the coffee table, a grunt of surprise and shock escaping him as he rolled onto his side, cupping his face.

Cloud stood in frozen shock, his raised fist still hovering at waist height as he looked down at the man he had just hit - the man whom he had made love to only a few short hours ago - the man who had ruined everything.

Moments that seemed to stretch on forever passed as Leon rolled himself over and gradually sat up. He pulled his hand away from his throbbing eye to see a small trickle of blood on his palm and he blinked a few times to clear his fuzzy vision. He looked up, his hand stemming the bleeding from his split eyebrow to see Cloud's shocked face, pale and vacant, staring right through him. The brunet watched as the younger man carefully sat himself down onto the couch, never taking his eyes from the spot just over Leon's shoulder – a spot that seemed a thousand miles away. Cloud was looking at something, unseeing, lost inside his own head.

Leon stood on shaking legs and wearily sat himself on the edge of the coffee table, the sounds of the television the only noise in the silent apartment. He blinked rapidly, his eyes still watering from the impact and he pulled his hand away again at the feel of a steady trickle of blood as it oozed its way down the side of his face.

"I… I'm sorry, I…I didn't mean…"

Leon turned his head to face Cloud, who had turned his large and hopelessly lost eyes on him at last. He saw the vacant spark behind those eyes, the helplessness and the fear and his heart clenched. The spike of pain that went through him as he realised his failings was almost too agonising to bear. All he had ever really wanted was to be good enough, to be strong enough to help him – to love him. He had promised Cloud that he would be strong enough to shoulder the weight of both of their broken pasts but he had failed, and failed miserably.

"Don't be sorry, Cloud. I deserved that." He said softly. He watched as Cloud's face twinged with hurt.

"No one deserves to be hit."

And Leon had to concede, that after everything Cloud had been through, he probably had the authority on that subject.

"Maybe not, but you have every right to be angry with me." Leon watched as Cloud deflated in front of him; his whole body sinking inwards and he lent forwards, resting his head in his shaking hands.

"How did we get here, Leon?" he heard the blond say. Leon had no idea how to answer.

"All I've ever wanted was to be normal." Cloud continued; his voice soft and far away, "My whole life, all I wanted was normal. Nothing like…" Leon watched as Cloud fisted his hands in his hair, his knuckles turning white with his quiet rage, almost ripping the fine blond strands out by the root. "What's wrong with me?" he finally heard him whisper, the words breaking his heart all over again.

"Nothing!" Leon replied firmly, moving from the coffee table to kneel in front of the blond. He wiped the blood from his hand on his trouser leg and took Cloud's trembling fingers into his own, uncaring whether Cloud would welcome his touch. He'd gladly take another punch to the face if it meant Cloud would listen to him – would believe him.

"Cloud, there is _nothing_ wrong with you, don't you ever think that." Leon squeezed his hands, wanting him to know how desperately Leon believed in him, how much he fucking _loved_ him. The look in Cloud's eyes when he finally met Leon's storming grey gaze told the older man that there was far too much in Cloud that was damaged for Leon's pathetic words to ever make a difference.

"Then why do I keep fucking up?" Cloud asked him, no trace of self-loathing in his voice, just a straight and honest question.

"You're not the only person to ever fuck up, Cloud. I mean, look at me. We've both fucked up here. We're human. It's allowed."

But Cloud merely shook his head, pulling away from Leon's touch when the older man tried to cup his face the way he always would when Cloud was upset.

"You don't understand. There's something that's in me – something that's broken. I don't… I'm not…" but Cloud's words had failed him and he just shook his head, pulling his hands from Leon's grasp. He didn't think he'd ever find the words to describe that feeling of alienation those years of abuse had left him with. That feeling that he was different – broken – and somehow unworthy of a normal life was so engrained, so entrenched in him that it felt almost like a part of him. Like a sense of humour, or a way of walking, it was like a personality trait – a terrible, hurting, scarred part of himself that he would never be free from.

"I warned you, Leon." He said finally, looking up at the man who had stampeded his way into his life and fucked everything up – for good and bad. "I told you, you shouldn't love me."

This time, Leon would not take Cloud's evasive shrugs for an answer and he leaned in and took hold of the blond's face, his hands firm against the pale skin as his eyes bore into Cloud's.

"And I told you, do you remember?" he brought their foreheads together, ignoring the stabbing pain in his temple from his bruised and swelling eye. "I told you that if you let me, I'd look after you. And I'd never hurt you or let anyone else hurt you. Ever again, remember?"

Cloud sniffed, his watery eyes blurring the intensity of Leon's stare and he felt his heart break. No matter what Leon said – those words that had meant so much to him back then in that hospital room, no one had ever made him promises like that before - but no matter what Leon had said, none of it meant anything now.

"But you did thought, didn't you?" Cloud replied; his voice low and pain filled. He pulled away, gently, watching how all of Leon's last remaining hope slipped with every inch that Cloud retreated. "You hurt me." Cloud informed him, pulling the older man's hands from his face. "You hurt me worse than any of the others."

Leon's hurt expression melted and dissolved into broken tears. He looked down and away, hating himself. Hating his own stupid arrogance.

"I let you in, because you told me I could trust you." Cloud continued; every word like a lash that stung across Leon's skin. "I never would have let you in if I'd know you could have done this to me."

"Cloud, please stop. I'm sorry." Leon sniffed, running his hand jerkily under his nose. "I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't _do_ it to hurt you." he pleaded, fisting his hands in the material of Cloud's jeans. "I wanted to make sure you were doing okay. I wanted to be able to help you. I… I've had no idea how to talk to you about this. I just wanted to know that you were getting better."

And there was the truth that Cloud had never wanted to face: Leon didn't want him, he wanted a normal person. Leon had no idea – no idea at all. Cloud would _never_ get better. There was no getting better from something like that. It stayed with you, shaped you and controlled you. Leon would never understand and after years of trying, who knew, maybe he would have gotten bored of waiting for Cloud to 'get better'. All Cloud knew was what was painfully obvious to him: he could never be the person that Leon wanted him to be.

"You'd better clean that eye up." Was all he said as he stood up, Leon's hands slipping from his lap as the older man sank back onto his heels, head hung low.

Cloud walked to the window seat and stared out over the city, his whole body feeling cold. He was aware he was trembling and he clenched his fists, tensing his shoulders to try and stop the ceaseless shakes. He had never felt so daunted in his entire life. Not even those few months before he had escaped Midgar and Riven. At least back then he had known what he'd had to do. Thinking back, he remembered feeling like there hadn't really been much of a choice. If he'd stayed, he would have died - maybe not that year, but eventually. By Riven's sadistic hand or by his own cowardly one, it didn't really matter. The choice had been easy back then. He had run.

But now, Cloud felt the heavy feeling of foreboding settle in his stomach. He had to make a decision - a decision that he didn't want to have to make. It would alter the very direction of his life and he had already made mistakes like that in the past. The thought of going back to the streets filled him with a sickness he didn't know how to get past. He didn't want to ever go back there again and for a few panic soaked moments he let himself imagine life back on those street corners. He didn't know whether he could do it. So much had changed. In himself, so much had altered that he didn't know whether he had it in him anymore. The thought of anyone's hands other than Leon's on him sent repulsion causing through him.

He pulled his arms around himself and let out a quick sharp breath, already missing Leon's comforting hold. The older man had affected him much deeper than Cloud had ever realised and all at once Cloud was struck with the thought that he might not be able to leave him.

Now that the anger had faded away and everything had been laid out before them, he had to wonder to himself if it was really all that bad. Was what Leon had done so unforgivable? Or was it merely the prospect of returning to a life on the streets that had him considering such things?

Could he forgive Leon and live with himself?

His thoughts were cut through by the jarring voice of the news caster as she read out the day's headlines. In the last month he had seen enough of the news to last him a life time and he was about to turn around and flip the TV off altogether when Leon's name filtered through his clamorous thoughts.

"_Attention has now inevitably returned to Squall Leonhart's alleged involvement with the disappearance and organised murder of Don Corneo and five of his gang members, which took place just over a year ago. The CEO of Loire and Leonhart has since been cleared of any involvement with the case after a lengthy investigation, however speculation has remained rife over allegations that Mr Leonhart paid for the Mafia members to be executed in a dispute over money. Mr Leonhart has so far declined to comment."_

Cloud's already cold body turned to ice, the blood in his veins froze and his heart stopped as all of a sudden, a memory, as strong and visceral as any he had had about Riven came back to him with such a force that he staggered back a few inches.

Leon had walked into that hospital room, the morning after Cloud had told him everything, and handed him a brown paper envelope. It had contained money: his money. Money that Don Corneo's men had taken from him in payment for Roxas' debt. Every single note had been there; the black marker that Cloud had put in each corner a sure sign that this wasn't just Leon's money instead.

Cloud had asked him where he had gotten it. He had demanded to know. But Leon had never told him. To this day, Cloud had never found out how Leon had managed to retrieve his money and after a while, Cloud had simply forgotten about it. He had never heard of any _investigation_. He had never known that Leon was being questioned. And oh god, what had the woman said – about _murder?_

Cloud was sure he could feel a sickness rise in him through the numbness and he sat heavily on the arm of the chair, remote slipping from his hand as it clattered to the floor just as Leon came back from the kitchen, hand towel pressed to his forehead.

"Cloud?" he asked, seeing the blond's terrible expression. "Cloud, what is it?"

There were a few moments of silence as Cloud gathered his thoughts. His mind reeling as he forced himself to ask a question he _never_ thought he'd ever have to ask someone he loved.

"Did you have Don Corneo and his men killed?"

With sickening clarity, Cloud realised all at once that a man like Leon would have no trouble making it happen. The seconds that passed after Cloud had asked his terrible question were over so quickly, yet the look that flashed in Leon's eyes told him everything. Leon had done it; Cloud was certain.

"You did, didn't you?" Cloud said; eyes wide and his face a pale, ghostly shadow.

Once again, Cloud's world turned as Leon nodded his head; no words needed to tell him what he already knew.

A moan sounded in the room and it took Cloud a few seconds to realise that it had come from him. He stood, holding his stomach as a sour taste rose on the back of his tongue and a hand went to his mouth to wipe at the clammy sweat that had gathered there. He turned his back, unable to look at the man whose very meaning had suddenly changed in the blink of an eye.

"Don't expect me to be sorry about it, Cloud." He heard Leon say; no hint of shame or remorse in his deep baritone voice. That sickening pit opened up further in Cloud's stomach. He turned back to Leon to find his lover's face stony and resolved and behind it all, a dark and dangerous under current.

"You've killed people." Cloud replied in a small voice, the words a statement rather than a question. His fine blond brows creased as he looked at the man who had suddenly changed without ever moving a muscle.

"They deserved it, Cloud. Don't tell me they didn't." Once again that terrible unforgiving tone. Cloud shook his head, unwilling to believe those words, that voice belong to Leon.

"No one deserves that." He whispered back, pathetically.

The terrible spell was broken as Leon laughed humourlessly, throwing down the towel onto the coffee table.

"Are you serious, Cloud?" Leon asked him, his voice only just under his control. "Are you fucking serious?"

Cloud flinched at the venom in Leon's tone.

"After what those fucking bastards did to you, you're trying to tell me they didn't deserve what they got?"

And in truth, Cloud had never really given it much thought. So many other things, that had been so similar in violence and horror had happened to Cloud that those seven days locked in that hotel room had not really seemed like much at all. In grim reality, it had only compared to maybe five minute with Riven and his sadistic mind. Cloud realised - with a vacant stab of what he supposed normal people would consider horror - that he didn't even consider what Don Corneo's men had done to him as wrong. He was a hooker. Things like that often happened to people like him. It was normal.

"So you think that gives you the right to go around deciding who lives and who dies?" he shot back, his voice edging towards hysterical.

"Yes!" Leon shouted after not even a moment of hesitation.

A terrible silence descended on the room as the two men looked at each other, nothing but the coffee table between them. Leon was the first to speak, his voice low and deadly once again.

"Don't ask me to be sorry, Cloud. I'd do it again if I had to."

Cloud swallowed against the sourness in his mouth, his whole body quivering.

"You're asking me to be great full that you killed people, for me." He said, shaking his head vacantly. "I can't do that."

Leon sighed, exasperated. He placed his hands on his hips, his manner clearly agitated as he began to fidget from foot to foot.

"I don't understand you." he confessed, starting to pace. "Those men… what they did. You would defend them, after everything they did to you, you'd defend them?" Leon was almost shouting now, his whole body ridged and his face thunderous and dark.

"I'd never want you to kill them!" Cloud shouted back, unable to believe that he was saying those words – that he'd _ever_ have to say those words – to anybody. "I'd never want that. How could you think that doing something like that would be okay?"

"Because they _fucking deserved it_!" Leon shouted as he pulled the TV from its stand and sent it crashing to the ground. The appliance shattered over the coffee table and sparked wildly, making Cloud jump back, his heart hammering in his chest. In an instant, Leon was in front of him, his fists wrapped tightly in the front of Cloud's t-shirt and he was pushing. Cloud stumbled, the corner of the tall bookshelf digging into his shoulder blades as he tumbled back, and he grasped wildly to Leon who was shaking him.

"They tortured you, Cloud!" he spat in his face. "They held you for a god dammed week and tortured you and you have the balls to stand there and tell me they didn't deserve to die? That I didn't have the right to cut every single one of those bastards throats open?"

Cloud tried to push back, to put some space between himself and Leon as the older man gripped him harder, his hands digging harshly into the flesh of his arms.

"I care about you, Cloud. I fucking love you!" Leon shouted; shaking Cloud again, the force of it knocking Cloud's head back against the shelves. "Fuck knows you don't care about yourself, but don't you dare think that I don't care! Don't you dare think that I wouldn't do whatever it took to make those bastard pay for what they did to you."

Leon stopped shaking Cloud, his fingers going slack and the tension in his arms melting away as he looked down at the younger man in his hold. Cloud's head was bowed low, his own hands fisting and his fingers clenching in the fabric of Leon's shirt. He was weak and limp against the sturdy frame of the bookcase and if Leon had simply let him go, he would have fallen to the ground. Leon gathered him up, pulling his slack body hard against his own and hugged him tightly.

"There is nothing, _nothing_ I wouldn't do for you Cloud. Don't you ever forget that." He whispered into the top of his hair, kissing him there as the younger man rested against him.

After what felt like an eternity, Leon felt Cloud put his arms around him, cautiously hugging him back as Cloud gradually gathered his strength back to him and righted himself on his feet.

The blond pulled away, ducking his head to wipe at the few stray tears that had escaped before he turned back to Leon, who was looking at him with such openness and with such a fragile hope in his eyes that Cloud could barely bring himself to speak.

"I can't live with this." He confessed; his voice small. "I can't live with you; knowing what you've done." He took a few steps back, catching the small flinch that Leon made, as if to reach out to him. "I never wanted this, Leon. I would never want you to do something like this."

Cloud turned, slipping past the taller man who stood rooted by shock and helplessness. He walked in a daze to the bedroom, knowing that he needed to pack a bag – that he needed to remember toiletries and a few spare changes of clothes. He needed his wallet and phone and he had to remember to pick up that book he had been reading. The trivialities passed through his dazed mind as he packed, filling his mind and preventing him from thinking too far ahead. He had no idea where he was going.

Leon's shadow fell over the doorway and Cloud only slightly turned to acknowledge him.

"Please don't do this, Cloud." He heard the older man say, a slight tremor in his voice.

When Cloud didn't answer, the brunet stepped closer. "Please, Cloud. There has to be a way we can work this out?"

Cloud busied himself, placing t-shirts and hoodies into his hold-all, stepping round the taller man as he moved around the bedroom.

"Cloud, fucking talk to me, please!" Leon begged, taking out the items that Cloud had just placed into the bag, frantic to make Cloud stop packing; frantic to stop Cloud walking out of his life.

"There's nothing left to say, Leon." The blond replied calmly, placing his hand on the brunet's wrist and gently pulling him away from his bag. He placed the items back and then zipped it up, taking one last glance around the room. There was nothing in here that he couldn't do without.

He turned to Leon, whose eyes were large and glassy, tears openly falling from under his furrowed brow. Those long, sable bangs cut across his face and Cloud thought to himself he had never looked so vulnerable and lost in all the time that Cloud had known him.

"I don't know if I'll be back." He finally said, after long moments of just staring.

Leon lowered his head, nodding slightly as if he had finally admitted defeat.

"I don't want you to go."

"I know." Cloud whispered.

He gently shouldered past the older man, ignoring the slight tug on his hand as he moved around him and walked to the front door, placing his keys on the computer desk beside it. He stopped briefly, meaning to turn around and offer some sort of significant goodbye that might help their parting in some small way, but he found that he could not.

He opened the door and left.


	8. Do I Wanna Know?

**A/N:** So, chapter eight has finally arrived and I have to say, it has been one of the most enjoyable to write. I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist that you simply _must_ listen to the accompanying song for this chapter. It is the sole reason that this story even exists and is the driving force not just behind this chapter but the whole story concept. It is, in a way, the whole story in a song.

In this chapter you will find some light and some darkness. The light mainly comes from my old favourite character: Seifer Almasy. He and Squall were my first OTP back in the day before I found Cloud Strife and he remains to this day, a character I love to write. I hope he pleases you as much as he does me!

**Disclaimer: **Lyrics belong to Arctic Monkeys.

* * *

'Have you got colour in your cheeks?  
Do you ever get that fear that you can't shift the tide that sticks around like summat in your teeth?  
Are there some aces up your sleeve?  
Have you no idea that you're in deep?  
I dreamt about you nearly every night this week  
How many secrets can you keep?  
'Cause there's this tune I found that makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat  
Until I fall asleep  
Spilling drinks on my settee

(Do I wanna know)  
If this feeling flows both ways?  
(Sad to see you go)  
Was sort of hoping that you'd stay  
(Baby we both know)  
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

Crawling back to you

Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?  
'Cause I always do  
Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new  
Now I've thought it through

Crawling back to you'

* * *

**8**

**Do I Wanna Know?**

Leon dreamt. Thunder rumbled above him and soft flashes of light broke across the walls of his bedroom. Cloud rolled beneath him, a soft breath ghosting over his tingling skin as his younger lover pressed his teeth into the juncture of shoulder and neck. The pain was mild and arousing and a soft gush of air escaped the brunet as he tilted his hips, pushing himself deeper into the warm body beneath him. A gasp sounded in his ear and fingers tightened against the flesh of his hips, salty sweetness spilling over his tongue as he licked his way up a flushed neck, his nose bumping a strong jaw, stubble grazing his skin; he buried his face into the warmth of that juncture and breathed deeply. Tumbling forwards, the heat and scent were lost as the body beneath him slipped away. He tightened his arms, wanting – needing to hold on harder but the tighter he held, the quicker Cloud disappeared. He felt cool cotton press into the side of his face and he lifted his head, his whole being filling with dread. An image of the blond laid out on their bed, broken and bleeding. Cloud – just as he had been in that hospital, wires and machines and drains and tubes and everything, except, Cloud was not breathing. In his heart, Leon knew. Cloud was dead. He let out a wail of anguish as he gripped the frigid hand that lay still and unmoving, no life beating beneath the skin at the wrist, no blood warming the fingers. In the midst of his terrible shudders and anguished sobs, he barely felt the comforting hand that rested on his shoulder. He didn't even realise he was being held until he turned, already wrapped up in a soothing embrace to find Cloud, whole and warm and _there_. He collapsed. Falling to his knees, the space around them suddenly deep and dark, and the parameters of their dreamscape stretched on for miles and miles and Leon just wept. A poured out chorus: _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry._

Leon awoke, the soft echoes of his dream fading away in seconds to reveal his bedroom, dark and cold and empty, tears still sitting on his skin and no other sound apart from the dying ripples of his nightmare, still lodged in his throat.

He sat up, pulling the blankets from his clammy body and swung his legs over the side of the bed, resting his heavy, pounding head in the palms of his hands and breathed deeply. His mind swam; a weight behind his temples that made him feel top heavy, like if he lent too far forward he would tumble over. His body felt light and disconnected. Leon guessed he was probably still a little bit drunk. The half bottle of whiskey he had consumed before heading to bed had only succeeded in knocking him out for a short while and now he was swimming in a soup of drowsiness.

A soft buzzing pulled Leon's attention from the floor and he reached under his pillow to pull out his cell phone, squinting groggily at the display to see Seifer's name flashing on the screen. He checked the time and shrugged anyway. 3.35am was not the most unusual time Seifer had ever called him. He flipped the phone open and pressed it to his ear.

"'llo?" he muttered, his voice soft and gravely.

"Squall, what the hell?" Seifer's exasperated voice seemed to drill into his head, causing him to wince and pull the cell away from his ear. He pinched the bridge of his nose, breathing out heavily before returning the cell and let out a rather inelegant grunt.

"What do you want, Seifer?"

"To make sure you haven't fucking topped yourself, you crazy fucking psycho!" Seifer exclaimed; his tone clearly distressed.

Leon pinched harder to the bridge of his nose, seriously contemplating just hanging up and trying to get back to sleep.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, disgruntled.

"You text me, you fucking moron."

Once again, Leon pulled the cell away from his face, letting it dangle in between his legs as a rather uncomfortable bout of dizziness overcame him. He was either far too drunk or far too sober to deal with this right now.

When all he could hear was Seifer's rather unmanly squawking coming from his disregarded phone, he reluctantly placed it back to his ear.

"I'm fine, Seifer. There's no need to go bat shit on me." He grumbled, scrubbing his face and noticing, not for the first time, the appearance of at least three days' worth of stubble.

"Fine? Oh you're fine now are you?" Seifer growled into the phone, "Cos that text you sent me sure didn't make you sound fine. You sounded like you were gonna go down the nearest bottle of painkillers you could find and then drink yourself into a coma."

"I already did." Leon replied.

"WHAT?" Seifer yelled. "You fucking did what?"

"Drink myself into a coma, not top myself, you dick." Leon replied.

"Hey, if I were you, I wouldn't be in such a rush to throw around the D word. I'm not the one who drunk text his best friend in the middle of the fucking night with fucking threats of suicide. You gave me a fucking heart attack. I've been calling you for, like, fifteen minutes."

Leon vaguely recalled being woken by the sound of buzzing and the feel of subtle vibrations from under his pillow.

"Well, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry Seifer, I'm fine though. Really, I am." Leon didn't sound fine; even he knew that as he fisted his hand through his dirty, unkempt hair.

There was a long, deep silence from Seifer at the other end of the phone and Leon had to check that the line was still connected before his best friend spoke again.

"Listen Squall, You know I'm really worried about you right?" Seifer's voice had dropped to a softer, more manageable murmur. "I mean, what with everything that's happened: Cloud leaving and you quitting your job… You gotta admit it's a little concerning."

Leon couldn't argue with him there. There was scarcely a person who didn't have an opinion about his decision to leave Loire and Leonhart Enterprises. That hardly mattered to Leon though, not any more.

"What can I say, Seifer?" Leon asked; his voice soft and miserable. "I just… I can't deal with this right now, I…"

"That's exactly what your text said." Seifer reminded him.

Leon's throat went tight and he had a hard time swallowing past the difficult lump in the back of his throat. Two weeks without Cloud and he still couldn't bring himself to admit it was really all over. Not aloud, or to his best friend or even quietly to himself. Not even in his own head.

"I gotta go, Seifer." His voice sounded chocked.

"I'm coming over."

"No, honestly, I'm fine. You don't-"

"Bullshit, I'm coming over." Seifer cut him off before he hung up.

Leon sighed in exasperation and snapped his phone shut, tossing it away before flopping back onto his chilly bed. He shivered slightly, loathing the feeling, missing Cloud.

He let the disconcerting rocking motion settle in his head, hating that feeling of being not quite drunk enough to just disappear into oblivion. He considered getting up and finishing off the rest of the bottle he knew was still sat on the coffee table in his living room, before mentally slapping himself and reminding him that no matter how fucking low he was at the moment, he wasn't quite _that low…_yet.

Remembering Seifer's words about a drunken text he reached for his phone and flipped it open, reading through his previous evening's mistakes. He cringed. Not only had he text Seifer, he had also tried to call Cloud; several times.

However, just like all the other times he had tried to get in contact with his ex-lover, Cloud had not picked up and none of the calls had been connected. Leon had begun to wonder if Cloud had changed his number.

Feeling that tearing knot of pain in his chest again, Leon threw down the cell and reconsidered that bottle of whiskey, still sat on the coffee table in his living room.

* * *

Cloud drifted; his mind still pleasantly numb and his waking thoughts still halfway between consciousness and sleep. He hoped he'd never wake. A terrible feeling of wrongness stole over him as he slowly drifted back to wakefulness, his eyelashes fluttering open against the starchy, itchy fibres of a cheap pillow.

His body felt stiff and his mind hazy, his recollections from before he fell asleep still fuzzy and out of focus. He tried swallowing past the dry, sandpaper feel of his tongue and coughed. He rolled over, the lumpy mattress underneath him grinding and screeching as the old rusted springs shifted under his weight. He felt a body next to him and he turned his aching head to the side to see a man, laying on his front, asleep.

That empty feeling in the centre of Cloud's chest opened up a little more as he rolled back onto his side, wincing at the soreness in his limbs – in his whole body.

The man beside him stirred. His snores slowed and his body shifted as he rolled over, his gruff voice scratchy and repulsive as he coughed and turned, pressing himself up against Cloud's back. An arm was thrown over Cloud's hip, the hand wondering low as hot, moist breath ghosted over the back of his neck.

Cloud pressed his eyes closed and swallowed the rising cry of protest.

"It's another hundred, if you wanna go again." he said, his voice low and croaky, hoping the man didn't have another hundred.

"Fine." The man replied, tugging at the sheets that were wrapped around Cloud's waist and applied pressure to the younger man's shoulder, coaxing him onto his front.

Cloud turned, lifting his hips and spread his legs to allow the man easier access. He pressed the side of his face into the pillow and twisted his hands into the sheets. He let the man prepare him. He listened as the man retrieved his wallet, pulling out a condom. He heard the foil packet, heard the man rip it open and then silence as the man placed it on himself.

Cloud grit his teeth at the first feelings of penetration and closed his eyes. He couldn't see anything but the side of the dressing table and the cheap, peeling wallpaper behind it anyway, but somehow, it made it easier. He listened to the rhythmic rocking of the bed springs and tried not to feel anything. He had been good at this once. There was nothing he really needed to do, the man would see to himself. All he had to do was lay there and wait… and wait… and wait.

Eventually, he felt it; that warm gush and soft pulsing sensation that signalled the end and Cloud was so very, perversely thankful. He shut his eyes and let out a deep sigh. He felt the man remove himself and get up, the bed dipping and then springing free from his extra weight as he wondered to the bathroom, absently scratching at himself as he walked. Cloud gave himself a few moments before he too sat up, wincing as he placed his feet against the scruffy, threadbare carpet.

The man sauntered back in a few minutes later, his sweaty, flabby body glistening in the moon light as he wondered around the motel room, picking up a cigarette and lighting it. The red cherry glowed bright in the dark recesses of the room, shadows of smoke drifting over his shoulder as he picked up a bottle from the dresser and cracked the seal. He drank straight from the neck, chugging his head back; his fat sack of a chin wobbled with every swallow.

Cloud lowered his gaze, wanting very much to cover himself.

The man gave a loud gasp as he finished drinking, smacking his lips and belching a soft bubble of a burp. He held the bottle out to Cloud.

There was only a moments' hesitation, only a fleeting moment of guilt and a feeling of hypocrisy as Cloud reached out and took the bottle, his fingers slipping against the cool glass. Those feelings were gone in an instant as he pressed the lip of the bottle to his mouth and drank, letting the spirit burn its way down into his empty stomach. He drank deeply, wanting to feel the effects as quickly as possible though he realised, and not for the first time that there really wasn't enough vodka in the whole world to drown out his own wretchedness. He was fucking pathetic!

The man uttered a small laugh, smoke puffing out from his wry lips as he looked down at Cloud. He reached for his wallet, flipping it open and pulled out a hand full of notes. He thrust them towards Cloud, who looked at them with an air of slight detachment, bottle still clutched in his left hand. His eyes flicked up to the man's sickening grin before he looked down and quickly took the money.

"We done here?" he asked, reluctantly placing the bottle back on the dresser.

"Yeah, we're done here." The man replied, a slight air of distain in his tone.

Cloud stood and fumbled around for his jeans, slipping them on to shaking legs. He pulled on his t-shirt and hoodie in one swift movement and toed on his trainers, stumbling a bit as he reached down to tie the laces. He reached back to the night stand to pick up the wad of cash he had placed there. The vodka bottle was empty; there was no point in taking that with him.

He left without another word; closing the plywood door behind him, he walked off down the veranda and descended the stairs around the side of the building. He staggered slightly out into the parking lot and made his way to the sidewalk, avoiding the look of the cashier sat behind his till under the '_Vacancies'_ sign. The un-illuminated '_No'_ part of it was busted and hanging from one corner.

He stumbled out onto the sidewalk, gripping the money in his pocket tightly as he made his way back into town, knowing where to stop off and buy another bottle before he returned to his patch. It was still early, and if he was lucky he could catch another two, maybe three more tricks.

Lucky was a very obscure term indeed.

* * *

"You look like shit." Seifer exclaimed dryly as Leon opened the door for him. The brunet wobbled slightly on drunken legs and frowned at the taller man's rude greeting.

"Yeah, well you're no fuckin' oil paintin' either, 'lmasy!" he slurred, opening the door wider to allow his friend in. Seifer strolled past him, sweeping into his apartment and scanned the area critically.

"Your apartment looks like shit as well. What the fuck have you been doing?"

Seifer turned as Leon shut the front door. The brunet made sure to pick up the almost empty bottle of scotch from the desk on his way past, staggering and weaving his way over to the couch. He had decided to finish it off after all.

"Not giving a fuck!" He replied as he crumpled into the leather sofa.

"Yeah, I get that." Seifer said sardonically.

The tall blond removed his coat and, careful to avoid the smashed up apartment, picked his way through the remains of Leon's books, CD's, DVD's and other possessions that had been so obviously strewn about the house in a blind rage. He stood at the foot of the couch, looking down at the drunken mess that lay sprawled out on it.

Leon had obviously been avoiding water for a good few days now. He needed a shave. He needed a shower, and from what Seifer could see, he needed to get his shit together. Fast.

"Well aren't you just a walking fucking cliché?" he snapped, hands on hips.

Leon removed the arm that he had casually thrown over his eyes and looked up at his friend.

"Do I look in a state to give a flying fuck?"

Seifer raised an eyebrow, "'Spose not" and sat down on the couch, lifting Leon's legs and rested them over his own.

"So, how many hours, minutes, seconds?" he asked, taking the bottle from his friend and chugging some for himself.

"What?" Leon asked, peeking out from under his arm.

"Since he left. That is what we're doing here isn't it? The whole Bridget Jones, chick flick bit?"

"Fuck you, Almasy. If I wanna get trashed and fuck my apartment, then I'm gonna. You got no right comin' here and…" Leon hiccupped, "telling me what to do."

"Yeah, you're a real fucking hero, Leonhart." Seifer drank some more, appreciating the whiskey even if it was 5:00am. There was always time for good scotch.

Long minutes dragged by and Seifer thought Leon had finally fallen asleep, before the brunet groaned and shifted.

"I fucked it up, Seifer." He grunted.

"Yea, I gathered that much. How?"

"'Cos I'm a dick."

"Well, you'll hear no arguments from me on that point, but what I mean is, why now? You're always a dick. Why this time in particular?"

"Is this what you call support?" Leon cried, exasperated.

"Simmer down, Princess. Just answer the question. What did you do?"

Leon seriously considered telling the blond. Since the investigation had begun he had made a point of telling no one of his involvement with Don Corneo's death. Not his father or family. Not even Seifer and he planned on keeping it that way. The less Seifer knew, the more genuine his plea of ignorance would seem – if the police ever asked.

"Am I controlling?" he replied instead.

"What?" Seifer asked, clearly not keeping up with the speed at which Leon's mind was working.

"'m I controlling? Do I, like… I dunno… am I man'pulative?" Leon gave a small hiccup. There was a long drawn out silence as Seifer seriously thought about his answer.

"Well, you're a bit of a control freak. You gotta have everything in its place or you get your knickers in a twist but otherwise, I'd say no. Not really. Why?"

"'Cos I think, maybe I like to get my own way… 't's what Cloud said… I'm a rich, spoilt fuck who…" another hiccup "likes to get his own way."

"Why would he say that?" Seifer had finished off the last of the whiskey and was pleasantly warm and sleepy now.

"I paid his ther'pist to tell me what him and Cloud talked about."

Seifer was silent for a long time, carefully studying the sprawled out drunken mess that was splayed out, half over his lap and half over the couch. "That was fucking low, Squall." He finally said.

"Really, you fuckin' think so?" Leon exclaimed, throwing his arms out and attempting to sit up. He was giving a good impression of a capsized turtle, struggling to right himself. "Because that thought hadn't crossed…" hiccup, "my mind." He finished sarcastically as he plonked himself rather unceremoniously next to his friend.

"And you wonder why people think you're a dick?" Seifer shot back wryly.

"I know exactly why people think imma dick." Leon replied, without any humour. "Did you finish all the scotch?"

Seifer turned slightly, angling his body so that he could look at his friend and he placed his hand on the brunet's rough stubbly cheek, tilting his face towards him.

"Listen, Squall. What you did, it was shitty. Aint no denying that and Cloud has every reason to be pissed with you, but is it enough reason to destroy yourself like this, or is there something else going on?" Seifer held his gaze, drunk and blurry though it was and softly ran his thumb back and forth over Leon's cheek. In all the years they had been lovers and then friends, he had never _ever_ seen Leon like this. It worried him more than he would ever let on.

"Remember when we used to fuck?" Leon replied, his answer sending Seifer's eyebrows up into his hairline.

"Okaaaay, bed time for you." Seifer said, breaking his contact and standing up. He reached down to pull Leon to his feet, who swayed and stumbled against the taller man.

"We should fuck, jus' fer old time's sake." Leon suggested, staggering against the taller man as Seifer led him to his bedroom, both of them tripping over scattered furniture and clutter. Seifer could have laughed.

"As tempting as you are right now, princess, I don't think that would be such a good idea, do you?" he replied, shouldering open the bedroom door and reeling back from the funky smell of the unwashed sheets.

"I think it'd be f'ntastic idea!" Leon exclaimed throwing his arms out wide. He slumped against the door frame and his brows creased for a second as his eyes glazed over. Seifer saw his colour paling and in an instant he knew what Leon was going to say before the younger man even said it.

"I'm gonna be sick."

In a hurried shuffle, Seifer helped the brunet over to his en suite and made it to the toilet just in time for Leon to throw his guts up. Seifer sighed, running a hand through his short blond hair and stood back, letting his friend get on with it as he placed himself on the lip of the bath tub and waited.

* * *

Cloud shivered, even though he was too numb to feel the cold. His naked flesh goose-pimpled and he gave a violent shudder, his teeth chattering behind his blue lips. His trembling fingers slipped as they tried to work open his belt, the tips of them completely dead and unfeeling. He had no idea whether that was the cold or the alcohol's doing and he didn't particularly care, as long as he remained like this: comfortably numb.

"You're cold."

Fingers brushed his cheek and he flinched back, losing his balance and he tumbled back onto his elbows, his equilibrium shot as his vision swam. The dark figure stood above him came into focus and Cloud could make out a middle aged man, balding and wiry.

Cloud blinked and went back to trying to unfasten his belt. It was taking him longer than normal.

"Why don't you let me help you with that?" the man said, kneeling so that he was level with the younger man.

Cloud's hands felt like lead and they dropped away from his trousers as they older man gently pushed him onto his back.

The ceiling was bluish and blurry in the dark early morning winter light. It wouldn't be sunrise for another two hours and the tiles swam in and out of focus as the man quietly and deftly shed Cloud of his last remaining clothes.

"You're beautiful." He thought he heard the man say.

Cloud closed his eyes the moment he felt the bed dip, and held his breath as the weight of the older man was spread out over him. He felt cold lips pressed to his chest, and the trail of fingers run up and down his arm as the man petted him.

Cloud vaguely felt the random tears that leaked from his eyes and ran into his hairline, collecting in the shell of his ear.

"This your first time?" the man asked, noticing his tears as well.

Cloud shook his head. He would have scoffed if he'd been able. He clenched his fists and grit his teeth, the sound of the man's zipper making his skin prickle.

"Let's pretend it is then."

Cloud let out a stunted cry, turning his head sideways and let the man do whatever he wanted.

* * *

Leon awoke to a pounding headache and the sound of the radio being played in his apartment somewhere. He pulled himself out of bed and gingerly stood up, wondering vaguely where his t-shirt had gone and what time it was.

He pulled open his bedroom door to find his apartment spotless. All of his books that he had thrown about in his drunken rage had been placed back on the shelves, along with his DVD's and papers and bits and pieces. The furniture that he had smashed and broken that couldn't be repaired was piled up by the door, along with his TV, and the rest had been put back into its proper place.

Leon stood and stared, his dazed and confused mind wondering what the hell had happened before he registered that there was someone in his kitchen.

He climbed the stairs and shuffled out into his open plan kitchen, catching sight of Seifer who was busy flitting around the work tops, juggling pots and pans, spatula in hand. The blond looked up as Leon walked in.

"Sit down, you're just in time for breakfast." He ordered, pointing to the breakfast bar. He turned the radio down and fished a plate from the cupboard to his right.

"Wha… what did you do to my apartment?" Leon asked dazedly, his voice gruff and scratchy. His head was thumping and the clatter that Seifer was making, not to mention the music was only making it worse. It felt like there was a pneumatic drill going off in his kitchen.

"I cleaned it." Seifer replied evenly. When all he got was a blank look from his brunet friend he added "You're welcome."

Leon was in no mood to bounce off his friend's normally sarcastic banter and sat himself down on a stool. He scrubbed at his face and glanced at the digital clock on the oven that read 13.23 and raised an eyebrow at Seifer as he placed an over large plate of fried breakfast in front of him. He felt his stomach flip and he did his best not to balk right there and then.

"What happened to my shirt?" he asked, pushing the plate away.

"You puked on it." Seifer replied evenly, turning back to the stove.

"I puked?"

"Yup, and you tried to get me into bed with you." Seifer added, waggling his eyebrows over his shoulder at his friend who was looking at him with a mixture of scepticism and worry.

"Fuck off, no I didn't." he replied bluntly.

"Oh yes you did. And very charming you were about it too. If I wasn't the stand-up guy that I am, I might have just taken advantage of you, you little slut!" Seifer teased, sitting next to Leon and helping himself to the food off of the brunet's plate, despite not having touched any of his own yet.

"Oh god." Leon groaned into his hands.

"Yup." Seifer agreed, munching on a sausage.

"I'm a terrible human being." Leon moaned through his fingers.

Seifer grinned, nodding emphatically, thoroughly enjoying his friend's pain. "Yeah, those are some pretty questionable life choices, right there."

He watched Leon slump over the breakfast bar, head nestled in to the crook of his arms as he covered his head with his hands.

"Do you think you might need an intervention?"

Seifer let out a laugh as Leon flipped him the bird without ever moving a muscle.

Minutes passed with nothing but the gentle music and the quiet munching of Seifer as he ate his breakfast, carefully watching the brunet out of the corner of his eye. Eventually, Leon sat up and balanced his weight on his forearms, his head hung low as he let out a soft grunt.

"I'm a terrible human being." He repeated, this time all too seriously.

Seifer set his knife and fork down.

"No you're not. You've made some mistakes, but that doesn't make you bad."

"He said I'd hurt him worse than anyone." Leon confessed; his voice small and full of pain. Seifer didn't really know what to say to that. He reached out his hand and ran it soothingly over his friend's back. "If you knew how many people had hurt him…" Leon shook his head "being crowned king of them all isn't really something to be very proud of."

Seifer gripped tightly to Leon's shoulder, pulling him into an upright position, the angle of his face now only slightly obscured by his messy bangs.

"Squall, that's the thing." Seifer reached out to brush a few of those bangs back behind his ear, one or two strands sticking out at odd, awkward angles. Even a complete and utter fucking mess, he was still achingly beautiful, Seifer thought.

"When we love someone, we give them all the power; to love us, to hurt us. Most of the time, we do okay and we love that person. But sometimes, we mess up. It doesn't mean we're bad people or we've stopped loving them. It just means we're normal. You can't seriously tell me that Cloud has never done something to hurt you?"

Seifer's words brought a barrage of emotions toppling over him and he remembered all of those endless nights, sitting up, holding Cloud after a nightmare and never knowing _why. _He remembered all of those times Cloud would disappear into himself and leave Leon behind, constantly worrying,never know what was going on in his head. He had felt so shut out from his lover, with no way in. He had felt so useless. And it had been Cloud that had kept him at arm's length. It had been Cloud that had refused to let him see behind those walls. Inaction could be just as hurtful as action and Cloud's passivity, his apathy towards him had been just as damaging to Leon as his own controlling nature; his snooping.

"I'm tired of making the same mistakes." He confessed. To Leon, sometimes it felt like all there really was to life was finding new ways to make the same mistakes over and over again.

"Will Cloud really not forgive you?" Seifer asked; hating the pain he saw on his friend's face.

Leon remembered the look in his lover's eye the moment he found out about Corneo. He remembered the shock and disbelief, the disgust and anger. Even _if_ he could get Cloud to talk to him, even _if_ he could get a hold of him, he didn't think the man would ever want to set eyes on him ever again.

"Cloud doesn't ever want to see me again." he voiced, hating that the admission brought him so close to tears.

Seifer pulled him into an awkward one armed hug, tucking the brunet's head under his own chin and kissed the crown, rubbing his large palm up and down the younger man's arm in a small gesture of comfort.

* * *

When Cloud awoke it was daylight. The soft, pale light of a low winter sun hit his eyes and for a moment he was weightless. He couldn't feel his body. He had no feeling in his legs or arms, only a dull heaviness behind his eyes. He breathed: in and out. A fine plume of breath misted up and away into the cold morning, the edges of it sparkling and glistening with frost. The sky was pink and full of clouds. The ground beneath his cheek was solid and frigid, and it scraped at his cheek as he turned his head, twisting to get a better angle on where he had ended up. He was outside. He was cold.

Footsteps and light humming pulled his attention to the left and he shifted, sitting up from the slump that he had fallen into a few hours earlier against the wall of a motel (one that he hadn't frequented the night before.) He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, still undecided if he needed another drink just yet or whether he could coast for a few more hours.

"Hey, are you alright?" a light voice asked him.

He couldn't quite bring himself to peel his eyes open so he just nodded his head, lifting his aching arm to cradle his thumping temple.

"You don't look it." the woman said.

Cloud cracked an eye open and light shot in, making him wince. He brought his knees up and rested his elbows on his bent legs, the cold making everything stiff. From behind his trembling fingers he mumbled a barely coherent "'m fine."

He heard shuffling and opened his eyes again to see a woman, crouched down to peer at him with concerned green eyes.

"Did you sleep out here?" she asked, her light brown brows crinkling with that same anxiety. Cloud nodded his head again, a sickness rolling over him with the motion. "It's so cold." The woman remarked, as if unable to believe that Cloud could have stood such an uncomfortable night out in the elements.

Cloud had been drunk.

"I think you should come with me." She said finally, as if ending an argument.

"Huh?" Cloud asked, bewildered.

"It's freezing out here. You need to get warmed up and have something to eat." The woman held out her hand and Cloud didn't know whether he should shake it or slap it away. "I'm Aerith."

After a few moments of awkward and confused silence, Cloud winced as he moved to take her hand, shaking it faintly. "Cloud." He replied.

"Okay, so, my car is parked round the front. Can you stand?" She asked, moving to her feet and waiting for Cloud to join her. Slowly and with a lot of painful effort, Cloud stood, tilting his body against the wall as he gathered his bearings.

"Who are you?" He asked dazedly, checking his pockets for his money and phone. He reached into his left pocket, his fingers curling around the hard plastic of his cell and pulled it out, checking the time only to see several missed calls and a text. Without even looking he knew who they were from.

"I'm Aerith. I work here. I mean, I'm a maid here, I just got off a shift." She said pointing round the back to the employee's exit.

"And you make a habit of picking up strangers?" He asked, maybe a little rudely.

"Not all the time." Aerith replied with a light smile.

Cloud followed her to her car and slumped himself into her passenger side seat, hungrily holding his hands out over the heating vent as she turned the ignition. As Aerith pulled out of the parking lot he let the interior heat up for a while before he returned his attention to his cell and flipped the cover open.

In the two weeks he had been gone, it hadn't been unusual for Cloud to wake up with missed calls and messages from his ex-lover and every single one of them had stung just as deeply as the last one. He didn't know why, but even though he knew opening the text message would send him into an almost unbearable vortex of pain and regret, he did it anyway.

_Cloud, I don't know whether you're getting these anymore. I don't care, I'm still going to keep sending them until you answer me. I'm sorry. I love you. L. xxx_

Cloud snapped the phone shut and pressed the hard case to his forehead, fighting back the tears that he was far too cold to shed. He swallowed hard and watched as the city crawled past him. The woman named Aerith drove in silence.

* * *

'So have you got the guts?  
Been wondering if your heart's still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts  
Simmer down and pucker up  
I'm sorry to interrupt. It's just I'm constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you  
I don't know if you feel the same as I do  
But we could be together if you wanted to

(Do I wanna know?)  
If this feeling flows both ways?  
(Sad to see you go)  
Was sort of hoping that you'd stay  
(Baby we both know)  
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

Crawling back to you (crawling back to you)

Ever thought of calling when you've had a few? (you've had a few)  
'Cause I always do ('cause I always do)  
Maybe I'm too (maybe I'm too busy) busy being yours to fall for somebody new  
Now I've thought it through

Crawling back to you

(Do I wanna know?)  
If this feeling flows both ways?  
(Sad to see you go)  
Was sort of hoping that you'd stay  
(Baby we both know)  
That the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can't say tomorrow day

(Do I wanna know?)  
Too busy being yours to fall  
(Sad to see you go)  
Ever thought of calling down?  
(Do I wanna know?)  
Do you want me crawling back to you?'

_Do I Wanna Know? – Arctic Monkeys._


	9. Dillydally Shillyshally

**A/N: **At, fucking, last! This chapter just kept getting longer and longer. I'm so sorry for the delay. I had it all set out and written and edited and ready to go, and then another scene would pop into my head. Anyways, it's here. It's finally here… The beginning of the end. (Que dramatic music!)

On a side note, I'd like to tell you all that I've opened a tumblr account under the same penname. It's a yummy blog all about CloudxLeon stuff, with lots of nummy pictures. I highly recommend you stop by.

Anyway, shameless plug over with… Enjoy.

* * *

**9**

**Dillydally Shillyshally.**

Aerith nudged open the door to her apartment and shuffled in, careful to keep the noise down as she dropped her keys on the table by the door and ignored the blinking red light on her answering machine. Kicking her boots off into the pile under the phone, she shrugged her way out of her large duffle coat and hung it up, placing the newspaper back under her arm. Quietly entering the kitchen, she flicked the kettle on, casually placing two mugs on the counter, adding a teabag to each.

As the water boiled and steamed, her eyes flicked through the serving hatch and to the shapeless mass huddled on her couch in her living room, it's only distinguishing feature, a crop of messy blond hair that stuck out of the top. The huddle shifted and turned as the kettle clicked off, and Aerith drew her attention back into her kitchen.

She made the cups of tea and carefully crept back into the living room, placing the mugs down on the coffee table in front of the waking blond. She drew the curtains back, letting the soft morning light spill over the room and the young man as his eyes finally peeled open.

Cloud squinted, and snuggled deeper into the blankets pulled up above his nose. After a few confusing and disorientating moments he remembered where he'd ended up and who the young woman staring at him was. He shifted, flipping the blankets away from him and swung his legs over the side of the couch.

"Morning." He said softly and a little awkwardly as he reached out and took one of the mugs. In the three days that he had been sleeping on Aerith's couch, the routine had been the same: sleep, plenty of tea and warm food and more sleep. Aerith had been particularly dismayed to find out the last time Cloud had eaten anything remotely solid had been a good week ago.

"Morning, sweetie. What would you like to eat?" she asked on que.

"Anything, I don't mind." Cloud replied, smiling vaguely and bringing the cup to his lips to hide it.

"I feel like porridge today, how about you?" Aerith sat herself in the opposite armchair and placed the newspaper from under her arm on the table in between them, picking up her mug and taking a drink. Cloud didn't particularly like porridge, but he nodded anyway. For some reason, even considering refusing anything this woman offered him made him feel ashamed. She could have offered him rat poison and he would have taken it out of politeness.

"Did you sleep okay?" She asked him after a few moments of peaceful silence.

Cloud couldn't honestly remember the last time he had slept okay, and the absence of alcohol was making total oblivion nothing but a pleasant -far away - blank memory, but again, he nodded anyway.

"No nightmares this time?" she asked with a knowing lift of her eyebrow.

Cloud gripped his mug a little tighter, keeping his eyes down as he wondered what the best response would be to bring this topic to a swift and absolute end. His thoughts were obliterated as he caught sight of the front of the newspaper; he almost dropped his mug. He set it down with shaking fingers and pulled the paper closer to him, touching it only as much as he had to, as if it were a deadly spider he was coaxing into a paper cup. The picture of Leon on the front page caused his heart to twist so painfully, he actually winced. The headlines that accompanied the image only caused that stabbing, twisting pain to worsen. Leon had quit his job and the media were citing their relationship and eventual breakdown as the cause.

Well, it had been, hadn't it?

"Did he end it with you?" He heard Aerith say, the first really personal question she had ventured to ask him since she had picked him up off the street and brought him home. When Cloud looked up at her with surprise and panic in his watery blue eyes she only smiled kindly at him, more knowledge and understanding in them then any stranger had a right to have.

"I've been reading about it in the papers every now and again. It's kinda hard not to, you know? It's everywhere." Aerith looked almost apologetic.

Cloud ducked his head, feeling a remote anger stir up in him. For the first time he was experiencing what it truly meant to have his life splashed all over the tabloids. Everyone knew! It was humiliating. He flipped the paper over so that he didn't have to look at Leon's stony, resolute yet beautiful face.

"No, I left him." Cloud found himself saying.

"Why, if you don't mind my asking, that is?" Aerith added with a slightly guilty smile that made Cloud's anger seem to melt away.

In truth, Cloud did mind, but once again found himself unable to be so rude as to deny her even a little bit of his story.

"It got too complicated." He said wringing his hands together to get them to stop shaking. They did that often now. "He broke a promise." He added; his voice quiet and tragic.

"Oh." Aerith replied, taking a sip of her drink and nodding her head as if she understood. There were long moments of silence between them as Cloud sat and waited, silently twisting his hands and trying to work past that terrible knot of pain in his chest.

"Whatever he did, it must have been awful." Aerith said gently, cupping her cooling tea in her elegant hands. Cloud's gaze briefly flicked to hers. "For you to prefer the way you're living now, I mean." She explained reaching forward to pick the paper up. She looked at the front page, her gaze soft and understanding even though her words held just the slightest hints of a challenge in them. "Whatever he did must have been huge for you not to be able to forgive him. I can't imagine anyone _wanting_ to live the kind of life you're living."

"I don't _want_ to live like this. I didn't choose any of it." He replied softly, yet still a hint of defence about his words.

"Everybody has choices, Cloud." It might have seemed like an admonishment, but for her kind and sweet face as she smiled gently at him. At her words, Cloud had to wonder whether she was right, only to recall the hurt and anger that Leon's actions had caused in him. He could barely think about looking the man in the eye let alone attempting to forgive him. He was more convinced than ever that Leon had left him with no choice whatsoever.

All Aerith saw was confusion as she sat and watched the young man opposite her try to sift through his emotions. His face, which was drawn and pale yet still so lovely and handsome, was so expressive. She didn't think Cloud knew it, but sometimes, his every thought was written across his tragically beautiful features.

"Are you sure you're not running away, Cloud?" she asked, eventually deciding to be direct with him. For some reason, her words seemed to have a breaking effect upon the younger man and she watched as his gaze filled with unshed tears.

"What?" He asked, his voice a hollow whisper. He had meant for it to come out indignant.

"Whatever he's done is there really no forgiving him?" she asked, not wanting to completely tear away at his emotions so early in the morning.

"No." Cloud ground out, his jaw working as he tried to bite back the anger that sat in the back of his throat.

Aerith leaned forward, her eyes boring into the young man as she studied him, positive in her conviction that he was avoiding a reconciliation because of something _he_ didn't want to face. No one in their right mind would choose a life of prostitution over the arms of someone who loved them, no matter what they had done. Cloud _was_ running from something, she was certain of it.

"Why?" she probed, unflinching in the face of the young man who was clearly breaking down in front of her.

"Because he doesn't deserve it." Cloud bit out a little too harshly. He immediately regretted his tone, hating himself for being so unkind to this woman who had shown him nothing _but _kindness. Aerith had a feeling that maybe, the only person in Cloud's opinion who didn't deserve forgiveness, was Cloud himself.

She sighed and stood, walking around the coffee table, she sat herself on it, facing the young man. She took his trembling hands in her own light grasp and waited as he calmed himself, pulling himself back together.

"Sweetie, we don't forgive people because they deserve it. We do it because they _need_ it." She brushed a few of his bangs away from his face and watched as her words slowly sank in, their meaning taking on more than she could ever know. If there was one person who could possibly ever understand what it was to need forgiveness, it was Cloud Strife.

"How about that porridge?" She asked after a suitable enough length of time had passed. She got up and disappeared into the kitchen, leaving a confused and troubled Cloud sat in the early morning light. When Aerith eventually came back, two bowls of porridge in hand, Cloud was sitting quietly, his soft gaze fixed on the front page of the newspaper and the image of the man printed on it. His features were sad and his eyes filled with a kind of longing Aerith had never seen before. She set his bowl down in front of him and then sat herself back in her chair, waiting for him to snap himself out of his daze. When he slowly shook himself and reached for his breakfast she ventured again.

"What brought you all the way here to Hollow Bastion? You said you were from Midgar. That's hundreds of miles."

Cloud absently stirred the contents of the bowl around, mixing the melting sugar into the creamy paste and thought about his answer. He smiled inwardly and a little ruefully about the things that Aerith couldn't possibly have known about. He had chosen Hollow Bastion _precisely_ because it had been hundreds of miles away from Midgar. His reasons for leaving however, were many and complex – only one of them being bigger than all of the rest. He decided on a half-truth.

"I had no family there after my mom died; only my best friend, Zack. When he joined the army I started to think about leaving, but didn't want to miss the chance of seeing him if he ever came back." Suddenly the thought of porridge, or putting anything into his stomach set his nausea rising and he placed the bowl on the table, untouched. "When… when he got killed… I just… I guess I just didn't see the point in staying any longer." Again, he thought of those months in Midgar before he had worked up the courage to leave and remembered his other reasons for wanting to disappear. Zack had been his only saving grace – his light – in that terrible world of pain and darkness. Without realising it, his friend had pulled him through ten years of the most heinous abuse. Cloud would have slipped beneath the surface a long time ago, had it not been for Zack. His death had severed the last remaining tie Cloud had ever had to Midgar and he had not looked back.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Aerith replied a little lamely. "Losing a friend is awful, especially if you have no one else. Do you have anyone here?"

Cloud's immediate thought was Leon; until the stinging realisation sent that thought from his mind and he tried to think of someone – _anyone_ – whom he could have counted as a friend. There had been Roxas. But he hadn't heard from him in nearly a year. There had been Seifer, of course, but he was Leon's friend and Cloud had no doubt about which side of the fence he had come down on. And with a slowly dawning sadness, Cloud came to realise that he _hadn't _any friends here. He had been so wrapped up, so consumed with Leon and their relationship that he honestly hadn't felt the need for friends. Leon had been everything to him: friend, lover, and partner. He had held him through those nights when sleep had eluded him and he had comforted him even in his most petulant moments. He had made him laugh and feel wanted, desired, valued. There had been no one else that Cloud had wanted. That aching loneliness, that feeling in his chest that opened up whenever he thought about his ex-lover suddenly took on a new meaning for him. It was more than just the pain of missing someone who could hold him and bring him pleasure. It was the pain of missing his friend - his only friend, the kind he hadn't had since Zack, since Midgar and the horrors that Riven had brought him. The knowledge that he had taken all of that for granted, had taken Leon for granted, hurt more than the pain of missing him.

"No." he shook his head sadly, that feeling of isolation rising up and swallowing him whole, even as he sat in that little living room. He had never felt more alone. He suddenly felt the overwhelming urge, the almost crippling need to get completely and utterly shitfaced. Just as it looked like Aerith might continue their conversation he interrupted.

"Listen, Aerith. I… I think I'm gonna have to go." He said, rubbing the palms of his trembling hands on his pant legs. He cast his gaze about for his hold-all and reached out for it, tucked behind the couch. "It's not that I don't appreciate what you've done, I do, but it's just… I… I don't want to be a burden… I've-"

"You're not a burden Cloud, you don't have to leave." Aerith replied, setting aside her breakfast and standing as Cloud did.

"It doesn't matter; I think I should leave anyway." Cloud offered, wanting very badly to be away so that he could find that drink. He quickly checked his pockets and made sure he had all of his meagre possessions before he made for the door.

"Wait, Cloud. Please, wait." Aerith pleaded as she reached out to grasp for his arm. He stopped short of the front door and only half turned back to her, determined that he would leave, no matter what she said to him. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry. Don't leave because of something I've said."

"I'm not." He only half lied. It wasn't so much something that she had said, more so something that he had realised. "I just… I really have to go."

Aerith nodded sadly, grasping his arm a little harder. "Okay, but just promise…" she said, her large eyes boring into his for as long as he could stand it. He looked down; sure that he wouldn't be able to keep any sort of vow made to her. "Just promise, if you ever need to, if you're ever in trouble, come back here. I won't turn you away. I'll be your friend, if you want." She offered, letting her words linger between them to impress their meaning on him.

Cloud's throat closed up and those tears that had been threatening all morning came crashing back in on him. He nodded; unable to form words to thank her and she surprised him once again as she reached up on tip toes to place a small kiss on his cheek. "When you decide to stop running, I'm sure he'll be waiting." She finished as she let go of his arm and allowed him to finally escape.

As Cloud made his way out of her apartment building and back into town, he wiped the moisture from his cheeks and sniffed against the bitter cold. He wasn't looking forward to sleeping rough on the street again tonight, but hopefully he thought, he'd be too numb to care.

* * *

Whiskey sat in front of him. Dark and amber coloured eddies curled around the bottom of the glass as he swirled the ice around and around, letting the aroma - which had begun to loose it's meaning and distinctive flavour due to over consumption – wash over him. Thanks to Seifer's constant and week-long nannying, Leon hadn't been anywhere near a drink for seven long, tiring days. However, his perpetual shadow had left on an errand that was going to take him most of the night and by the time he came back, Leon planned on being well on his way to paralytic. He had no interest in 'salvaging' any of his so called reputation or his career, which Seifer had tried to tell him was important and impress upon him the seriousness of his decision to just quit. Leon couldn't quite bring himself to care enough, and as much as he knew he was wallowing in self-pity, he didn't care much about that either. He wanted Cloud back. He wanted to tell him how sorry he was and spend the rest of his life making it up to him. He wanted a chance to right every single one of the wrongs he had ever done to him. What he wanted was impossible.

As he brought the glass up to his lips for that first sip of corrosive self-annihilation, his phone rang and gently buzzed in his pocket. He sighed and set the glass down, pulling the offending article and glanced at the display screen. It was a blank number and with a sudden jolt of clarity, he realised the only person whose number came up like that on his phone was Tsung.

In his three week long stupor of self-flagellation, he had completely forgotten about the task he had set his man on. He flipped the phone open and hungrily pressed it to his ear.

"Hello?" He asked; thoughts of whiskey and drunken oblivion all but gone now.

"Mr Leonhart, I have some more news I think you're going to want to hear." The man on the other end of the phone replied without missing a beat.

"What is it?" Leon replied, pressing the phone to his ear harder.

"The target has moved. He's currently situated on the outskirts of Hollow Bastion. I believe he intends to stay here."

Leon's blood ran cold. Riven was here, in the city and Cloud was out there somewhere.

"Do you know exactly where he is?" Leon asked; his voice suddenly tight and breathless. He felt giddy and panicked. The desire to have Cloud close to him and safe had never been stronger and the need to protect him had reached almost inconceivable heights. Except, there was nothing he could really do. Cloud was gone. He was alone and defenceless while the monster from his childhood moved closer and closer. The thought was almost unbearable.

"We lost track of him once he entered the city, but it shouldn't take him long to re-surface again. He needs to find a place to situate himself. Once he does, we'll find him."

It wasn't good enough. Riven could strike at any time and Leon would never know. It could already be too late. He thought of those dangerous and dark streets that he had found Cloud on all that time ago, and thought of a shadowed figure, just waiting. In reality, it was all Riven would need to do: just find a street corner and wait.

"Find him, Tsung. I don't care how. Just find him!" Leon barked, his tone verging on hysterical. He snapped his phone shut and stood, unsure what it was he could do, but knowing that he had to do something. Sitting around and feeling sorry for himself was not an option any more. He had to find Cloud.

* * *

The concrete was frozen and gritty beneath his knees, and Cloud was great full when the guy finally came. He pulled away and achingly clambered to his feet, joints protesting as the man in front of him tucked himself back into his underwear and zipped his fly up. The pebbled tarmac had imprinted the pattern of the alleyway into his knees and Cloud shook his feet to get the blood flowing again, pins and needles shooting up and down his legs, despite how freezing it was.

"Here." The stranger muttered as he thrust a handful of notes at the blond, who staggered backwards slightly before grasping them and shoving them in his pocket. Without a word, his picked up his hold-all from the side of the dumpster they had been hidden behind and staggered back out onto the street, his 'customer' only a few seconds behind him. Cloud didn't even bother to watch him walk away.

Unscrewing the cap off his bottle, he took a large swig and swirled the burning liquor around, spitting it out onto the sidewalk to remove the taste of the man from his mouth. He swallowed his next swig and carried on walking up the street to where he knew a side door to an old cardboard box factory would be shut up. It would provide a good place to sit and drink a bit more while he waited for whomever else might come along.

He sat himself down and wished, not for the first time, that he had brought a warmer coat with him; although, he genuinely hadn't planned on being without a roof over his head for this long.

The distinctive sound of a car moving its way slowly down the quiet street came to Cloud and he peered out of the door way to look. A slow moving car often meant a crawler: someone who was looking for exactly the kind of person that Cloud was. It was exactly the way he and Leon had met, well over a year ago on a street not too far from this one. Normally, the prospect of getting into a car with an unknown person would fill Cloud with apprehension. He had never liked this part of his job and newspaper images and headshots of dead hookers often filled his mind. He had stopped reading the papers a long time ago.

The car stopped on the corner only a few yards away and the engine cut off with a deep shuddering rumble. A tall blond man stepped out, zapping the automatic locks shut behind him as he sauntered over to where Cloud was sat, one knee bent, his back resting against the metal grate of the locked doorway. As the man got closer, Cloud let out a disbelieving grunt.

"I gotta say, I'm flattered Almasy, but I didn't think I was your type." He bit out harshly, weirdly offended on Leon's behalf. Of all the things he thought Seifer Almasy capable of, he didn't think this would be one of them. Still, at least he had the decency to wait until he and Leon had broken up before putting his cards on the table.

"Put a fucking sock in it, Strife. I'm not here for that." Seifer replied, coming to a stop, looming over the younger blond.

Cloud sneered and took a swig from his drink. "Really!" he scoffed.

"As shocking as this news may be to you, Cloud, not everyone wants to fuck you. I'm here for Leon." Seifer looked down reproachfully at the young man as he continued to drink from the vodka bottle. He mentally tutted and rolled his eyes. Leon and this kid were like two peas in a fucking pod, he thought sardonically.

"Well, you can just go ahead and get back in your little car and fuck off then. I'm not interested." Cloud replied bluntly.

"He doesn't know I'm here."

"Congratulations, you're a master of subterfuge. I'm still not interested." Cloud was rapidly losing his temper and the knowledge that this piss ant was here to defend the one person who had betrayed him worse than anyone in the world only infuriated him more.

"You know, you're a mouthy little prick when you've had a drink. I liked you better when you were t-total."

"And I like you better when you're not here." Cloud retorted dryly, bringing the bottle to his lips only to have it smacked away, the glass shattering, and they both watched as what was left of his sweet oblivion soaked into the wet pavement. The taller blond reached down and yanked the younger man up by the collar of his hoodie, jerking him roughly as he swayed him to and fro like a puppet.

"Do you have any idea what your stupid fucking decision has done to him?" Seifer growled into his face, his nose almost touching Cloud's.

"Why the fuck should I care?" Cloud hissed back, struggling to free himself. "Did he tell you what _he _did" he spat, finally wrenching his clothing free and staggered back on drunk legs.

"So he went behind your back, I'm sure a fucking angel like you has never done anything to hurt anyone before." Seifer shoved Cloud slightly, knocking him into the wall. The younger man only sneered up at him, a small resentful light in his eye. Seifer couldn't possibly know the secrets that he was keeping in order to protect Leon.

"You don't know shit, Seifer." He replied bitterly

"I know he'd kill for you." Seifer retorted and Cloud could have chocked. The older man had no idea how fucking, desperately accurate his words were. He had no idea how they had already come true. "I know there isn't another person on this whole fucking planet who he loves as much as he loves you. And that includes his family." Seifer took a step closer, gripping Cloud's hoodie in his large hand again. This time, Cloud didn't put up a fight. "For fuck sake, have you _ever_ had anyone in your miserable fucking life that has loved you that much?"

Cloud had been presented with this very question only a few days ago as Aerith had challenged him about his friends and he knew deep in his heart that he hadn't. Not Zack, and not even his own mother, who had chosen the bottle over him countless times, had loved him the way Leon had – still did. Not even an absent father, who hadn't even cared enough to stick around until Cloud had been born – abandoned long in the womb. His silence was taken as complicitous and Seifer let him go to stagger back against the wall once again.

"He didn't do any of this to hurt you Cloud, but you?" he raised an eyebrow and looked away to the smashed bottle laying a few yards from them. "You're punishing him."

As much as Seifer's words stung him and as much as he wanted to deny them – to yell and scream that he had every right to punish Leon – he was far too ashamed. He knew deep down that Seifer was right. In as much as he had been attempting to destroy himself, he had been hoping to take Leon with him, hurting him just as much as he had been hurt.

Cloud slumped against the wall and fell into a crouch, fisting his hands through his hair and let out a tearless sob.

"Don't make the mistake of thinking you're the only one hurting in all of this, Cloud." Seifer admonished gently.

"Please, just go away." Cloud mumbled miserably from behind his hands. He'd heard enough for one night.

"I can take you back with me, if you want?" Seifer offered but the younger blond just shook his head, slipping further down the wall until he landed on his butt.

Silence fell over them as Seifer considered arguing further but eventually, after mentally coming to the same conclusion no matter which way he took it, he decided to leave.

"If you ever decide to wise up, he'll be waiting for you, Cloud. He'll always be waiting for you." He said as he parted from the drunk and miserable heap on the ground.

Cloud listened as he heard the man walk away, get back in his car and drive off before breathing out a shaky sigh of relief and raised his head. All around him the streets were quiet tonight. It didn't help that he was in an out of the way part of town, but the silent eerie calm unnerved him.

Deciding he'd had enough for one night, he picked himself up and collected his bag from the door way and set off back down the street, cutting right, down an alley way that would take him around the back of the cardboard box factory and back out towards a stretch of convenience shops.

Shaking his head to clear the fuzz and the echo of Seifer's words, bouncing off the alley walls from time to time, he didn't hear the men sneak up behind him. The first thing he felt, was a blunt and heavy blow to the back of his head and then the crunch of the ground as it rose up to slam into the side of his face. He curled in on himself instinctively as a foot came down and began to shovel its way into his stomach, another foot behind him stomping down hard on his ribs.

He let out a muffled cry of protest only to be kicked in the jaw and his world went black.

* * *

Seifer walked in through Leon's front door just as the brunet was slipping on his jacket.

"Where the hell are you going?" Seifer asked him, door still held ajar.

"I gotta go find Cloud." Leon said in a rush, not wanting to stop and explain. He grabbed his cell and pocketed his wallet, checking his coat for his car keys as he made to shove past the blond stood in his way.

"Whoa, whoa, slow down. Why do you need to find Cloud so bad, why now? I thought you said he'd never want to talk to you again." Seifer asked; no intention of letting slip where he's just been.

"Listen Seifer, I don't have time to explain. You can come with me and I'll talk on the way or you can stay here. I don't care, but I've got to go." Leon rushed as he shouldered past the taller man and left his apartment, not even bothering to see if Seifer had followed him or if he had shut the door behind him.

Once they were in Leon's car and he had pulled out onto the street, Seifer turned to his friend. "Okay, spill. Why are we out at" Seifer checked his watch, "2:30 in the morning looking for Cloud, when last we spoke, you said talking to him would be hopeless?"

Leon took a deep breath, his brows low and his face stern and serious as he concentrated on the road in front of him, weaving in and out of traffic as he sped to the only part of town he figured Cloud would be in.

"Remember I told you Cloud was going through a lot of shit from his past - his sort-of Step Dad that fucked him up all those years back?" Leon surmised, hoping he wouldn't have to go through it all again.

"Yeah, sure." Seifer nodded

"Well, I just got word that his sort-of Step Dad is in Hollow Bastion." Leon swerved violently, chopping lanes and ran an almost red light as he sped over a junction. Seifer clutched fiercely to his seat, not wanting to tell the younger man to slow down but fearing for his life all the same. "I think he's after Cloud." Leon finished, reaching down to check on his phone.

"Fuck sake, Leon, keep your god damned eyes on the fucking road." Seifer shouted nervously, itching to take the wheel.

Leon toed the break hard, coming to an impatient stop at a traffic jam. He fidgeted, jiggling his knee up and down on the accelerator.

"So how do you know this…"

"Riven." Leon filled in for him.

"This Riven guy is here in Hollow Bastion?" Seifer asked, watching and waiting for the yellow light to turn green.

"I have some people out looking for him." Leon said, almost casually, revving his engine when the car in front of him wouldn't pull away fast enough.

"Some people?" Seifer asked sceptically, raising his fingers in inverted commas. Leon just shot him a look out of the corner of his eye and carried on driving.

"These people…" again, Seifer's fingers came up. "Are they the legal sort of people?" he asked. Leon's silence answered the question for him. "Holy shit, Squall. You're into some deep fucking mess here." Seifer exclaimed. "Are these the same people," again with the fingers "That might or might not have had something to do with a certain mob boss' murder last year?" he asked, checking Leon's face scrupulously for any hint.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Leon replied flatly.

All the same, Seifer got his answer. He blew out his cheeks and ran a hand through his hair as he sat back and digested all of this new information. He knew he had to rethink his intentions. There was no way that he could keep where he had been tonight a secret from Leon any more. He knew where Cloud was – or had been. It could help save them hours of looking.

"I went to see Cloud tonight." He confessed, ready for Leon to slam on the breaks and tear him a new asshole.

"You did _what_?" Leon asked, remarkably calm and still in control of the car as he shot a look at his friend.

"I thought if I could find him and talk to him, I might convince him to at least talk to you. Maybe even come home." Seifer explained, practically melting into the side of the car door under Leon's death glare.

"You know where he is?" Leon snapped, ignoring the fact that Seifer obviously _hadn't_ convinced his ex to do any of that.

"Sort of, I found him on the street. He didn't say where he was staying." If he was staying anywhere at all, Seifer finished off in his head.

"Take me to him." Leon demanded, pressing his foot onto the accelerator and doubling his speed.

* * *

When Cloud awoke, it was still dark. He gazed up and down the dark alley and saw the constant haze of drizzle in the fuzzy shaft of orange light from the street lamp and felt the sharp jagged cut of the gravel beneath his cheek. His clothes were soaking from the fine mist that was everywhere and as he brought his hands up to help lever his frame from the ground, he saw his knuckles were scuffed and bleeding.

His body ached everywhere and as he tried to pull in a deep breath, his ribs gave a painful cry of protest. He winced and held his side, casting his gaze about for his possessions.

His jaw ached and when he couldn't see his hold-all he gave a low moan of frustration. He gradually clambered to his feet and propped himself up against the wall, slowly checking his pockets for the little money he had had on him.

Everything was gone; his wallet, phone, his bag. Everything that he had ever owned had been taken.

He cried out a sharp and bitter "Fuck" kicking the wall behind him as he held on tight to his bruised ribs and briefly wondered what the hell he was supposed to do now. He vaguely considered Seifer's words and thought, for all of two seconds, about going home. But the thought of turning up at Leon's door in his current state filled him with shame and disgust. It was bad enough that he was considering going home at all, let alone after just being mugged and possibly at the lowest point in his entire fucking life.

Almost as if the voice were coming from over his shoulder, he remembered Aerith's words to him from a few days ago. _"Promise me… if you're ever in trouble, come back here… I'll be your friend, if you want."_

Cloud shook his head, disbelieving that he was actually considering any of this, but clearly out of options. He had nowhere left to go.

Picking himself up, he stumbled on down the alley, wincing every now and again as his footsteps jarred his sore ribs, he made his way back to Aerith's house.

* * *

By the time he made it to the quiet, unassuming neighbourhood that Aerith lived in, it was close to dawn. He clambered wearily up the cold and echoing flight of steps, having to stop every now and again to catch his breath. When he finally made it to the right door, he paused, resting heavily against the door frame. He had no idea whether Aerith would even be home. She was a night worker - a maid at that motel she had found him unconscious outside of – however, he had come too far to back out now. Besides, he really didn't have anywhere else to go, and the woman had said he could count on her. He raised his fist and knocked loudly on the door.

After waiting a few minutes and knocking again, a shaft of light appeared from under the door and then a shadow. Cloud heard the door being unlocked and then the creaking sound as it was pulled open an inch.

The moment Aerith's sparkling green eyes - in spite of her interrupted sleep – met Cloud's she exclaimed loudly, pulling the door open as far as the chain would allow.

"Cloud, what happened!?" she asked, clearly distressed. "Hold on." She added, shutting the door.

Cloud heard the sound of the chain being unlatched and then the door flew open, revealing Aerith behind it, stood clutching the edges of her duvet around her. "Oh my god, Cloud!" She exclaimed again, opening the door wider to beckon him in.

Cloud stumbled in, letting the woman lead him back to the couch and sat down with a heavy groan.

"I'm sorry to turn up like this." He mumbled, clutching hard to his ribs. His jaw ached when he talked.

"Don't be silly. I told you to come back if you were in trouble. What happened?" she urged again as she sat herself on the edge of the coffee table.

"I think I was mugged." He said, his memory a little fuzzy now that he was sobering up again and he remembered that he couldn't _actually_ remember. "They took everything." He added, lamenting the loss of his wallet and phone.

"Do you know who it was?" Aerith asked him, reaching out to brush some blooded bangs away from his face and inspected a graze to his temple. Cloud shook his head gently.

"I was talking to a friend. After he left, they just jumped me from behind." He explained.

"A friend?" Aerith probed.

"Well, a friend of Leon's. He came looking for me, tried to convince me to go home." Cloud told her, pulling away from her gentle touch.

"And you said no?" Aerith asked him, a little harshly.

"I…" Cloud was sure he had a tone of good excuses, but for the life of him he couldn't think of a single one at that point.

"Cloud, how long are you gonna keep this up for?" Aerith asked him, her tone firm but not unkind. "How long do you think you can keep running before you get yourself killed? Just _look_ at you for crying out loud!"

Cloud had to concede she had a point there. He had barely lasted a month back out on the streets and he was homeless, drunk and had been mugged. He couldn't remember ever having it so bad. Still, the thought of going home – seeing Leon again – filled him with so many emotions he didn't know how to process them all. He wanted to go back, so badly it made him ache worse than being beaten up. But then again, there would be so many issues to deal with; thinking of them all overwhelmed him. He didn't know whether he had the strength to deal with them all. Worst of all he didn't know whether he could ever trust Leon fully again.

"I don't know whether I can do it Aer." He confessed in a small voice.

Aerith sighed and moved her position to the couch, throwing the duvet over the young man and pulled him into a hug.

"Of course you can." She said simply, not even bothering to give him any of the clichéd reasons for turning a facing his problems. "Whatever is waiting for you at home has got to be a thousand times better than this, hasn't it?"

And there was really no arguing with that. She was right. Cloud didn't know whether he would be able to deal with whatever problems still stood between him and Leon, but what he did know was that he couldn't take another night out on the street. He couldn't take the thought of another trick, and their hands. He couldn't take the thought of anymore cold nights and that empty aching pit in his stomach. Worst of all, he couldn't take the thought of having to drink all of it away.

In the frigid harsh light of pre-dawn, in the wake of being stone cold sober, he realised how far he had fallen, and it sickened him. He didn't want to be that person any more.

He nodded his head slowly. "I need to go home." He replied quietly.

Aerith hugged him to her once again, careful not to squeeze too hard. "That's the spirit!" she replied with a light smile on her face.

"Let's get you cleaned up first though." She added as she stood and went to get her first aid kit.

* * *

Seifer's forehead rested heavily against the side of the car door, the waking city sprawling past them as they crawled down another street for the billionth fucking time; it was dawn and they still hadn't found Cloud.

"Squall, I hate to say this buddy, but I think we ought to call it a night, or day, or what the fuck ever time it is." He said as he looked over at his friend who was still fervently clutching the steering wheel and peering out into the dusky streets. He heard the younger man sigh and lean back into his seat.

"Maybe you're right. He probably won't be out here anymore." Leon replied, his heart heavy. In the back of his mind, a panicked thought kept niggling away. What if, what if…?

"Can you drop me off back at my place? I wanna get a change of clothes and have a nap. I'll come right over later today and we can start looking again, if you want?" Seifer asked, fishing out his phone and checking to see if Cloud had called one last time. They had been searching the streets all night, trawling the pavements looking for the young man and calling his phone, endlessly. They had received no joy from either.

"Sure, I could do with a nap myself." Leon replied, the adrenaline from earlier on in the night long gone.

They drove over to Seifer's apartment in silence and as the taller man got out and said good bye with a wave and a promise to be back at Leon's address by 5:00pm at the latest, Leon pulled back out onto the street and began his journey home.

He hauled up into his parking garage an hour later, and pulling into his space, he killed the engine and sat there staring blankly out of the windscreen at the concrete wall in front of him. Fear was so exhausting, yet it kept churning in his gut as he thought of the danger that Cloud had unknowingly placed himself in. Despite how tired he was, Leon doubted whether he would get any sleep.

He ambled out of his car, his aching limbs protesting after being sat hunched over a steering wheel for so long and slammed the car door behind him.

He only briefly caught sight of the reflection in the window that had appeared behind him before he turned and was blinded by a hot white pain across his temple. He stumbled into the side of his car, hand shooting up to protect his face as he was hit again, this time around his head and the last thing he remembered seeing was the ground as it rushed up to meet him, and then a pair of boots, covered in mud, before blackness took him.


	10. The Captain's Apprentice

**A/N: **So here we are… the penultimate chapter. This has been written for quite a while, not only because it has helped spur me on through some rather boring bouts of writers block, but because I always have to know how these things end. It's been a wonderful ride writing this story and a real treat to come back to this universe. Despite some of its heavier topics, I really do like this world and the characters within it and I hope you have enjoyed it too.

To my two guest reviewers: Veronique and Valhalla, I thank you both. You've followed this story and left me some wonderful words of encouragement. Valhalla, I do wonder what it was you expected to happen, that I subverted so deviously!

Without much further ado, I give you chapter 10.

Much love. xxx

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'One day this poor boy and to me was bound apprentice

Because of being so fatherless

I took him out of St. James Workhouse

His mother being in big distress.

One day this poor boy and to me offended

But nothing undo in they say

Up to the main mast I sent him

And kept him there all that long day.

Oh with my spike, I misused him

So shameful I won't deny

And with the rope I gagged him

Because I could not bear his cries.

His legs and hands on to me expanded

His pretty face to me like why

And by my barbaress cruel treatment

The very next day this young boy died.

So come here captains, all throughout this nation

Hear voice in warning take by mean

Take special care of your apprentice

That you are wrong the raging sea.'

_The Captain's Apprentice - An English Folk Song – Circa 1820._

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**10**

**The Captain's Apprentice**

Cloud chewed his nails, his gaze vacant and far inwards as Aerith's little car chugged its way down the highway towards Leon's apartment. His stomach flipped uncomfortably and his heart sat heavily in his chest, thudding loudly against his ribcage as he thought of all the things he might say when he set his eyes on Leon again.

Aerith had told him that she was sure he'd be waiting for him. Cloud didn't know how true that was. He hoped for a lot of things. Mainly, he hoped that Leon still wanted him. As desperate and pathetic as that sounded to Cloud, he hoped that even after everything he'd done and the danger he'd put himself in, even after all of that, Leon would still be able to look at him in the way he always used to. Cloud didn't know what he'd do if he couldn't.

"Sweetie, it'll be alright. You'll see." Aerith leaned over and patted him on the knee, giving him a warm and comforting smile.

Cloud appreciated it, but it didn't help the terrible knotted fear that sat in the pit of his stomach. He had messed up so bad. What if Leon didn't want him back? He recalled Seifer's words and tried to reassure himself, calming his breathing and clenching his trembling hands as he gave a heavy sigh.

"Try not to worry, he'll be glad to see you, I know he will." Aerith took his hand and squeezed it as the blond man just stared down at it, like it was a foreign object. Eventually, he squeezed back and turned her delicate hand over in his, tracing his thumb along the lines of her palm.

"I just… I'm not a good person, Aer. What if he sees that?" Cloud asked, pain lacing his words as he shook his head and turned his gaze out the window.

"Don't you ever say that, Cloud. You _are_ a good person." The woman admonished harshly. She let a long silence fall over them, refusing to allow Cloud to let the matter drop; she waited for him to explain himself.

"How can I be a good person? I… I just…" Cloud let out a heavy sigh; he'd never have the right words to explain that feeling in him. He'd tried before, the day he'd walked out on Leon. He'd tried to explain that feeling of wrongness – of alienation – but instead, had shown him better than any words could have explained, by walking out on him. Cloud was a coward. He'd run at the first hurdle and not only left Leon but had gone back to a life that was… well, Cloud figured Leon would have every right to hate his guts. The things Cloud had done in those weeks he'd been gone would tear at Leon's heart and Cloud had known it. The drinking and sleeping rough, the sex…

Cloud rubbed at his face and shuddered. For a man like Cloud, what he had done could hardly be considered sex. But for a man like Leon, he might just see it a different way.

Cloud felt like the biggest scumbag on the planet – like in a way, he had cheated. Even though he and Leon hadn't been together and he had been paid for every single one of those nights, he still felt that in he had disrespected what he'd had with Leon. He'd made a mockery of it, and he wouldn't blame Leon if he never wanted to touch him again.

"I just don't understand." He finally said, looking down at his own tightly fisted hands. "Why do I do the things I do… hurt people."

Aerith took his hand again and prised his fingers apart, pulling his balled up fist over to her she held it to her chest.

"Everyone hurts someone at some point in their lives, Cloud. You can't make it through this life without inflicting some damage and getting your fair share in return." She said solemnly. Cloud thought maybe he'd already had his fair share of hurt. Maybe it was why he was so good at dishing it out to other people? He had a lot of experience to draw on.

Aerith let his hand go and he pulled it back into himself, shoving his fists into the front pocket of his hoodie. He hunched down in the seat and considered Aerith's words.

If ever anyone had kept a tab on how much pain and suffering Cloud had been through and then dished out, he thought maybe, by now, he might have been even. He hoped he was. He hoped to God, or to whoever it was that was keeping the scores, that he was square. He wanted peace, and he wanted a normal life. He wanted Leon.

As Aerith pulled up outside of Leon's building his stomach gave another uncomfortable turn. The petite brunet killed the engine and turned to consider her friend, who had in the space of only a few short days, made such an impression on her that she felt as though she had known him nearly her whole life. She was certain that there was more to his story than he had told her. There was far too much pain and wisdom in his eyes for there not to be, but it was something she wouldn't press. She was a firm believer that everything happened in its proper time, and if the young man ever wanted to let her in, he would, and not a moment before.

"Cloud, sometimes, the hardest part of forgiveness is looking ourselves in the mirror afterwards. It's the guilt we can't bear to see and it undermines everything we've worked for." She hadn't moved a muscle, but somehow, Cloud felt as though she had moved closer to him. "Don't let everything you've ever come through be for nothing. Stop running." She finished, and when he lifted his gaze to meet hers she smiled such an understanding and brilliant smile, Cloud felt warmth replace the anxiety roiling in his heart.

"Thank you, Aerith." He eventually managed "For everything."

She leaned forwards and closed him in a hug, wrapping her arms tightly around him and he returned it, gingerly; pressing his face into the warmth of her neck he inhaled softly, feeling comforted by her.

He climbed out of the car a few moments later, with nothing but the clothes he stood up in. He had lost everything in the few weeks that he had been away and now, he was returning, hopefully to turn his life around for the last time.

He waved Aerith off and walked into the building, taking the elevator all the way to the top and for a brief moment, his thoughts turned to the night Leon had first brought him home and he had joked about being chopped up into little pieces and buried in his basement. That night had been the start of something so huge and momentous in Cloud's life, it was hard to get it all in perspective. It felt like a life time ago and so much had changed. Cloud had changed, and with a rousing thought he realised what Aerith had been trying to say. All of those months spent trying to piece together his past and repair his broken soul, all of the damage that Riven had done could have been so easily unravelled. In the blink of an eye, Cloud had been so close to losing so much progress. He realised he had a lot to thank Leon for.

As the elevator doors pulled apart and he stepped out into the hallway, he sucked in a quick, steadying breath. He walked to Leon's front door and was about to raise his fist to knock when he noticed a set of keys already in the lock.

His brow furrowed and as he got closer, he saw that the door was already ajar. He stopped just outside of the apartment and for no reason in particular an ominous feeling of foreboding came over him. It shivered down his spine and he swallowed hard. He heart began to race and as he lifted his hand to push against the heavy door, a prickly heat broke out over his skin.

He pushed the door open and that heat turned to a terrible ice cold terror.

Cloud could only ever remember feeling true gut wrenching, mind numbing fear at one time in his entire life. It echoed in his childhood, replaying nights of terror and hideous games of hide and seek huddled away in some darkened corner, or a tucked up in a forgotten cupboard, hoping – pleading to anyone that might have cared that _he_ wouldn't find him. That visceral fear usually struck in the second after he knew he'd been caught but before he could escape. It was the fear of knowing he was trapped and it usually preceded a vicious and relentless fucking.

Cloud reserved this cold blooded terror for those memories only; allowing a lifetime - a barrage - of horrific acts to pass him by with a kind of blasé disinterest. Nothing could ever - would ever - be as terrifying as those lonely pain filled nights back in Midgar, not even being kidnapped by Corneo. Not even being held for ransom. Not even the vicious and merciless torture _they_ had put him through. Nothing could incite within him the horror or the pain that his childhood years had. That was where his true terror lived.

However, the sight of Riven Kane, tall and menacing and as unchanged as time could allow, stood over Leon made the acute and blood freezing fear come crashing in on him in cold waves and he suddenly remembered what it was to be afraid. It immobilized him, his muscles locking as he felt all his strength and blood rush from him and his skin began to tingle from the loss of it.

Cloud didn't know which the worse sight was: Leon sprawled across the fine surface of his highly polished wood flooring, limbs lax with unconsciousness, or Riven. The man himself was stood tall and hulking, his mass seeming to bear down on the prone man without actually touching him. His shoulders where broad and rounded, thick bunched muscles plain to see moving under his grubby white t-shirt as he hefted the heavy mallet, preparing to bring it down across Leon's knee in an attempt to hobble him.

That fear again. Terror, horror, complete and utter animalistic panic that had nothing to do with himself pulled Cloud from his stupor.

"NO!" He screamed, still unable to move.

The sound of his desperate cry halted Kane's arcing hand and he twisted to settle his too calm - to controlled - gaze on Cloud, who felt the icy spiking stabs of fear all over again as he looked into the eyes of the man who had beaten, fucked and tortured him for over ten years. The weight of it - the intensity of it - made Cloud take a step back. It was his first movement in what felt like an eternity since walking through the front door and he gripped the handle harder, his sweaty palm slipping on the metal. His forearm shook. His legs shook. Hell, even his lips shook as he tried to press them together to stop the disbelieving, chocking gasps that wanted to creep out.

"Cloud." The way Riven said his name – oily and satisfied – made a chill pass over Cloud's skin. After all these years, he had walked back into Cloud's life and with one look, had sent the young man back to a time when he had been in control of _everything_ in Cloud's world. He had made Cloud do absolutely anything he'd ever wanted. "It's good to see you, boy."

The moment Kane turned, forgetting Leon, and began a slow measured walk towards the younger man, all feeling came back to Cloud's limbs in an agonizing moment of physical pain and his self-awareness slammed back into his body with brutal force.

He had succeeded in drawing Riven's attention away from his former lover, but now Cloud wished with all his heart that Kane would stop looking at him - would stop walking towards him. He had no words for the kind of dumb bewilderment that had come over him. After all these years, he couldn't have known he'd still be this terrified - this helpless - in the face of this man. After all, he had come through so much after him. He had confronted worse things in the faces of strangers who'd paid him to do the sick and twisted things that Riven had merely taken from him. However, he simply wasn't prepared to still feel like the helpless child he had always been in the wake of his abuser. No matter how old or how many years had passed, Cloud thought, maybe he would always feel like this. And somehow, the knowledge that this monster might always have that power over him wasn't as soul destroying as he'd feared it might be. In a terrible and twisted way, it was freeing. After all this time and after trying so hard, all that running and all that talking and in the end it had made no difference. Riven would always be able to incite terrible, uncontrollable fear in him.

In reality, Cloud had never hoped for himself anyway. He had never really loved himself the way normal people did or considered himself worthy of much, and in retrospect, he knew that was where all of his problems lay. He had a sort of terrible disregard for himself that was so self-destructive; he couldn't blame Leon's frustrations with him.

Cloud attempted to swallow and found his throat too dry. His gaze slid past the figure that was heading towards him and came to rest, for the first time in nearly a month, on Leon. In a surreal moment of clarity, Cloud wondered how his fucked up life had managed to come to _this_. His fear for Leon, as his eyes flicked between the slowly advancing monster and his former lover, seemed to eclipse everything, and in a startling moment of fierce determination, he tried to push past his own childish panic as he realised there was more than just himself at stake.

Cloud may never have had much self-worth, but whatever was left in him that was good, belonged to the enigmatic brunet, who had already saved him in almost every way that it was possible to be saved. Despite Cloud's best efforts to sabotage their relationship, and despite Leon's misguided attempts to help, they'd never wondered far from each other, and he'd be damned if he was going to let a man like Riven lay a finger on a man like Leon. Riven could have Cloud, if he wanted, but Leon was Cloud's to protect. He'd fight for that. He'd protect Leon with everything he had – with his own worthless life, if he had to.

"What are you doing here?" He was surprised by the tone of his own voice, considering how just the sight of the man had turned him back into that pitiful child. Where was the fear, the terror? His voice was firm and controlled – everything Cloud wasn't. He barely flinched as Kane reached out a fat, meaty hand and grasped the door just above Cloud's head. He began to close it. Cloud calmly stepped out of the way, letting go of the handle as Kane pushed the heavy door closed with a soft 'thunk'.

The man was taller than Cloud (not as tall as Cloud remembered him but still a towering stack of a man at just over 6ft) and the man's fleshy reddened face was still as puffy and mottled as it had been when it was pressed in to the side of Cloud's face; breathing thick, suffocating alcoholic fumes on quiet darkened nights after the lights had gone out.

Every detail - every deep bruised vein that appeared spidery and blotchy under ruddy skin - was etched in painful clarity in Cloud's head, and the sight of his own vivid memories come to life before him was so surreal, so clear, it made his stomach churn. He felt it revolt and he clenched his jaw against the sourness on the back of his tongue.  
He saw Kane smile, a slithering at the corner of his lip as it quirked upwards. A slight twitch of amusement.

"You not pleased to see me?" He asked, his deep burr of a voice sending tremors through Cloud's chest.

Cloud felt his fist curl. "What do you want?"

Kane's hand came up to wipe at the sweat that had gathered on his top lip, his calloused fingers - dirt encrusted around the ridges of his ragged and tatty nails - pulled at the skin around his mouth as he tugged down; a string of saliva stretching between the soft purple flesh of his lips. A thick and blubbery tongue came out to wet them.

"You grew up nice." His insidious voice was laden with meaning and his smug smile broadened as he watched the fear and revulsion pass over Cloud's face in equal measure. He reached out a giant hand and gripped Cloud's face under his jaw, the spades of his fingers digging into the soft flesh around Cloud's mouth, pressing against the bruise on his jaw, and the man's sweat which he had just wiped from his own skin was rubbed into Cloud's.

The younger man had to congratulate himself for not flinching, though he screamed inside.

Kane turned Cloud's face this way and that, his eyes roving and appreciating as they slid over him and the man's hand slipped lower, grasping the pale column of his throat. He squeezed lightly.

The gentle moan from behind them broke their intense reunion, and Kane looked over his shoulder at the slowly writhing form of the billionaire as he came too from his heavy punch to the head. Kane felt the weight of the mallet in his other hand; for the space of a moment, he had almost forgotten why he was here.

Cloud watched as Leon stirred; the brunet stiffly raised himself onto his elbow. His nose was bleeding, the vicious red staining the front of his white shirt a startling crimson and Cloud's heart fluttered as he realised Kane's attention was slipping.

Leon's eyes were blurry, no real vision as he pressed a hand to the bruise which was forming on his right temple and the gash that was slowly oozing thick blood into his left eye. He shook himself, immediately regretting the action as his vision swam and nausea bowled him over. A painful stabbing ache throbbed away behind his eyes and as he tried to swallow down the sickness in his stomach, he pushed past the thumping in his skull. As his head cleared, the image of Cloud with a stranger's hand wrapped around his throat immobilised him. For several terrifying seconds, he couldn't remember what had happened, where he had been or what he had missed, before a recollection of muddied boots and hours of trawling the streets looking for his ex-lover came flickering back to him and brought everything crashing in on him with terrible waves of panic. He tried to sit up.

"Cloud!" He gasped desperately, caught half way between the exhilaration of seeing him again and then seeing him with a hand around his throat - knowing something was dangerously wrong but unable to piece anything together when his thoughts kept slipping against each other.

"If I were you, I'd stay right where you are." Kane warned, squeezing Cloud's throat tighter even though he knew Leon wouldn't be able to tell. It wasn't a warning for Leon.

Cloud winced, his throat closing only for the briefest of moments and he choked out a small gasp.

"What... who are you?" Leon asked; his brain finally able to process his urgent thoughts. He squinted, shaking his head ever so slightly to try and reline his quivering vision. He watched as an amused smile broke out over the intruder's face and he turned back to Cloud.

"You know who I am, don't you boy?" He replied lightly, though his voice rasped in his throat. "Why don't you tell him?"

Leon's gaze slid to Cloud and he saw his face, deathly white and utterly calm. His eyes were bright and pin pointed, his mouth set in a firm, grim line. Without words, he knew; Cloud didn't have to tell him anything.

"Enough games, Riven. What do you want?" He heard Cloud's clear voice, strong and firm.

A cold wave of rage stole over Leon. This was the man who had tormented Cloud - who haunted him still. This was the man who had crippled nearly everything in Cloud and left him barely a shell of a person. He was the reason Cloud was always so heartbreakingly afraid of everything - was the person who had stolen everything from his childhood and replaced it with depravity. He was the man who had hurt Cloud, who was still hurting him even after all these years. There were no words for the coldness, for the intensity of his feelings. Leon sat completely frozen – disbelieving, and suddenly everything made terrible sense.

"What do you think I've come for?" Kane replied, stepping an inch closer to the younger man, his huge palm still wrapped around Cloud's neck.

Leon's blood was running dangerously cold. He shifted himself closer to the back of the couch, needing its solid frame to help him stand. As he watched the great hulking man with his hand around Cloud's throat he realised he needed a plan, fast. In a rippling wave of ice cold fear, it dawned on him. He knew exactly why this man was here and it had nothing to do with Cloud.

His eyes slid to that giant fleshy hand pressing fresh marks into Cloud's throat and all he wanted to do was pry those violating fingers away from the blond's neck because he couldn't stand to see the coldness and quiet acceptance in those blue eyes. He had never seen Cloud look so utterly afraid and yet still so determined before. It scared him.

"Me?" He heard Cloud ask, his voice breaking only the smallest amount.

Riven barked a sharp laugh, throwing his head back. His amusement was short lived as he sobered and scoffed down at the man he held in his giant grip.

"If I'd wanted you, I would have come and found you a whole lot sooner than this." He sneered, lifting the hand with the mallet in it and placing the flat of the weapon against Cloud's pale cheek. Leon tensed.

"There isn't a place on earth you can run to where I won't find you, boy." Riven whispered as he leaned in, his humid breath spilling over Cloud's lips which were pressed thin, all colour bleached from them. "I got tired of fucking you years ago." Cloud could see the broken blood vessels around the whites of Riven's eyes. "The only reason you got away was because I let you. You understand?"

Cloud didn't think it possible, but he felt even smaller then. His escape - the only thing that he had been able to accomplish on his own, the thing that had seemed so momentous and important and the only thing which he had been able to draw strength from because _he_ had done it, _he_ had escaped and _he_ and survived - was a lie. And now Kane was mocking him with it. Once again, the soul crushing realisation that Riven had been the one with all the power all along, stole over Cloud and his legs almost buckled under the weight of it.

"What do you want then?" Cloud chocked out. He was dismayed to find his voice had cracked and his cheeks burned. He staggered back as the force of Kane's hand on his neck increased and he stumbled into the wall next to the door, his shoulder digging into the key hook.

Riven placed the mallet next to Cloud's head, the cold metal edge of it brushing the skin of his temple.  
"Money!" He replied simply.

Cloud's surprise was only surpassed by his relief.

"Money?" He choked out "Is that the only reason you've come all this way?"

For a moment, Cloud quite forgot himself. A frozen anger that he hadn't even realised he had stowed away came bubbling to the surface. This was the reason he had shown up in his life again? This was the reason he was turning Cloud's whole world upside down? Cloud didn't know which he should be more incensed at: the fact that Riven was back or that he was back for something so trivial as money.

The hand around his throat squeezed harder and a flutter of panic rippled through Cloud as his windpipe was crushed for a fraction of a second. He gave a short aborted cough.

"Seen you on T.V." Riven replied, that smug, self-satisfied grin still on his face. "Seems you landed on your feet, didn't you, boy?" And Cloud could have laughed with the absurdity of it all - could have cried with a desperate, humourless sob. "Seems to me you got enough to go around."

Cloud's gaze flickered to Leon who was staring wide eyed and disbelieving at them, his whole body frozen as he lay sprawled out and propped up, his beaten face somewhere between bewilderment and anger. Cloud had no idea what Leon had done with his money. He had no idea where it was or how much Leon had access to. He had never asked because he had never really wanted to acknowledge that part of Leon's life. It had done nothing but complicate things. In truth, Cloud hated that Leon had so much. Not out of jealousy, but because it had always stood between them. In any case, Cloud was obviously not the reason Riven had come back. Leon was. Or at least, Leon's money was.

"It's not my money, Riven." He told the man, knowing it wouldn't do any good.

"Why do you think I didn't come pay a little visit to you first?" Riven replied, turning his head to look over his shoulder at Leon, whose eyes had become sharp and piercing: a look of pure hated and anger.

"What do you say, princess. How much is he worth to you?" Riven asked the brunet, jerking his head in Cloud's direction as he brought the mallet back and poised it over Cloud's left cheek, ready to bring it down and obliterate the young man's face.

Cloud's guts dropped away as he saw what Riven intended to do and in all his wildest nightmares he had never imagined that Riven would actually _try_ to kill him. Strange as it now sounded to Cloud, he had always assumed that Riven would want him – would never _stop_ wanting him – alive, to torture and to own. There had never been a moment in his life when Cloud thought Riven would ever let him go. And in that flashing second before Riven began to bring the heavy mallet down across his face, Cloud had recalled so many nights when he had wished for death. In those deepest darkest days, Cloud had wished for the strength to do it himself, or for the courage to endure it if Riven ever became careless and went too far. Cloud had always been ashamed of the nights he had spent praying for that.

"Everything..." he heard Leon call; a note of panic on the edge of his normally controlled voice. "You can have everything, just... let him go."

Cloud cracked his eyes open to see the desperation and the wild panic on Leon's face. They locked eyes for only the briefest of seconds, but Cloud's heart had never felt so heavy with love before. It was an odd time to feel such a powerful emotion, Cloud thought. Surely, he should have been crippled with fear, or lost in memories of his life as they flashed before his eyes.

Riven turned back to Cloud, a gleam of satisfaction in the yellowish whites around his pale green irises.

"You see?" He said, pulling the mallet away and digging his finger nails into Cloud's jaw. "He understands how to behave." Riven's eyes darkened and his tone lowered as he stepped even closer, devouring the miniscule space between them until his chest was pressed up against Cloud's; Riven's arm stuck painfully between them. Suddenly, Cloud's vision – all of his senses – where filled with Riven Kane.

"Remember all the trouble you used to give me?" The repulsive man asked, that thick blubbery tongue coming out to wet his lips again. "That was your problem." Riven's huge bulbous nose was only millimetres from Cloud's, the older man's gaze slipping up and down his face, devouring. "You never did what you were told." He leaned forward, his grotesque lips ghosting over the skin of Cloud's cheek, his hot, stale breath condensing against the chilled flesh.

"You were good for nothing, you know that Cloud? A waste of oxygen."

Cloud felt the man drag his lips across his skin, could feel the heat and moisture of the man's sweat, his nose filled with the tangy pungent stink of him. Cloud felt himself begin to tremble. His own breaths were coming in short sharp pants.

"There was only one thing you were ever any good for." Riven held his own mouth poised over Cloud's, everything about him invading and oppressive. "Do you remember?"

Cloud told himself not to flinch, even when he felt those lips ghost his own. He squeezed his eyes shut.

"There's only one thing I'll ever want from you. Only one thing you'll ever be any good for." Riven pulled back slightly, enjoying the look of desperate horror on Cloud's face as he ran the pad of his thumb along Cloud's plump bottom lip.

"Whadda ya say? One more time, for old times' sake?" He suggested, cocking his head to the side. "You always were good with your mouth."

Cloud's eyes snapped open. Somewhere deep within himself a part of him shattered. His paralysis was broken and any part of his brain that might have warned caution was swept away in a blinding surge of anger. The urge to fight was as strong as it had ever been. He knocked Riven's hand away, breaking the crushing, bruising grip on his face and pushed the man back as hard as he could. There was no way that he would allow this man to simply take what he wanted - he never had done. He'd fight. He'd fight like he'd always done even if, in the end, it had never really amounted to much.

Riven staggered back only slightly, startled, but his control had not been broken completely. He might have laughed at Cloud's pathetic attempt to fight him, but instead all he had to do was reach out and grasp that tender neck again. Quick as lightening he had his large sweaty palm crushing the already bruised flesh and he pushed back, hard. He heard a sickening crack as Cloud's head connected with the wall behind him and a strange strangled moan as the wind was forced from his lungs.

Cloud's eyes slid shut, the force of the impact whiting his vision before the churning nausea crept in.

"You see?" Riven spat angrily, small flecks of spittle flying out and landing on Cloud's deathly pale face. "Always causing trouble - never doing what you're told!" He repeated, squeezing his hand as hard as he could. He watched Cloud writhe for a moment before letting his hand go slack. "You always made things worse than they needed to be."

Cloud managed to crack his eyes open, squinting up angrily at the man stood above him.

Riven looked over his shoulder at Leon, who had frozen half way through trying to raise himself onto his knees using the back of the couch as leverage. His desperate gaze flicking between Cloud and the crazed man who held him pinned to the wall.

Leon had never felt more impotent in his whole life as he did while he was sat there, watching Riven inch his face closer and closer to Cloud. He knew he should have been doing _something_. He couldn't allow himself to just simply sit there and watch whatever it was that Riven obviously had planned. But the harder Leon tried to order his body to obey him, the worse his head swam. His body felt fluid, like water and he had no strength in his legs as they scrabbled against the slippery wooden floor. His fingers held no grip as he clawed at the back of the couch and he tumbled back onto his butt as he blinked sweat and blood from his stinging eyes.

"Maybe you need to learn a lesson." They both heard Kane say.

Leon watched as the man turned back to Cloud who was watching Riven with a kind of helpless burning anger, and Leon understood that kind of powerless rage all too well. He watched Cloud's face drain of colour and felt his own heart flutter at the monster's next words.

"Maybe your fucking pretty boy would like a taste, huh?"

Cloud's heart thudded painfully in his chest once, before it seemed to stop completely and his whole body, which had been burning with fury, went cold with icy fear. There were no coherent thoughts that flashed through the blond's head at the man's disturbing words, only horrific terrifying images - images that Cloud knew too well because he had lived every single one of them. Only this time, instead of himself, he saw Leon. He knew exactly the kind of things that Riven was capable of – the kind of hurt! Before he could stop himself he had called out, his hands reaching up to grasp the front of Riven's shirt to stop the man as he began to pull away.

"No, stop!" His voice was high and clear. "I'll do it." He said; no hint of uncertainty, no tremor. He had never been more certain of anything in his life. No matter what, Riven could not - would not - lay a finger on Leon. "I'll do whatever you want."

"Cloud, don't you dare!" He thought he heard Leon's desperate, panicky voice. He tried to drown it out. He wouldn't be able to do this with Leon's voice in his head.

Cloud watched through wide, imploring eyes, desperate to convince the man towering above him not to touch Leon. Desperate to keep the man's attention on him; something he had plenty of practice at. "Whatever... just... whatever you want... just don't..." he felt his throat close up and it had nothing to do with Riven's hand still wrapped loosely around it. He was fully aware of what he was doing and even though he had never willingly given himself over to Riven before - had never surrendered without some semblance of a fight - he knew that he could. He had to do this.

He watched the consideration in Kane's eyes, the twisted pleasure at seeing Cloud manipulated and degraded in a way he had never tried before. He saw the delight and lust and he shivered. He was pulled back from the edge of his conscious thoughts - unaware that he had started to slip into that place that would keep him safe through terrible things being done to his physical body - by Kane's giant hand that had slipped back up to his face, gripping the flesh of his jaw and relieved the pressure on his neck.

The man leaned in with a look of barely concealed disgust on his face. "And why would I need your permission?" He let go of Cloud, pushing the younger man away and knocking him into the computer desk beside the door. "If I wanted anything from you, I could just take it, you pathetic piece of shit."

Cloud staggered and reeled from his sudden release, knocking over the monitor and caused the expensive piece of equipment to topple over and crash to the ground. He caught himself against the edge of the desk, bringing his hand up to rub at the bruises left on his neck.

"You're disgusting, Cloud. There's nothing I want from you anymore." He heard Kane say.

Cloud lifted his head, his chest tight with stinging emotion and he was perversely hurt that his offer had been rejected - that even this man, who was so depraved and revolting didn't even want him. And yet he couldn't deny that immense feeling of gratitude. He wasn't sure if he could have stood to let it happen all over again - without a fight. Still, he had to do something to keep the man's attention and the danger away from Leon.

"There must be something you want?" He called out as he grasped Riven's arm, clutching desperately to stop the man from walking away.

Riven ripped his hand back and brought it down across Cloud's face. The young man staggered back into the wall, cracking his head again and slid to the floor. He shook himself, rolling onto his side as he tried to fight past the ringing in his ears and the white hot pain behind his eyes. He thought he heard Leon calling his name.

"I just want my fucking money." The sound of Riven's voice rose up as he moved away, stalking over to where Leon was propped up against the sofa, his nose still bleeding. The man's twisted and disturbed mind had turned again, and his focus was back on his only goal.

Riven dropped the mallet and pulled the brunet up onto his feet by the front on his shirt, reaching into the waist band of his jeans he pulled out a hunting knife, its ridged edge jagged and violent. He pressed it to Leon's cheek.

"Give me your fucking money." He said slowly and calmly.

Leon's eyes were hard and steely, his face a deadly calm mask of hidden rage. "You can have it, but it's gonna take some time…" he was cut off by a sharp back hand to the face, sending a fine spray of blood across the leather of his couch.

"Wrong answer." Kane informed him calmly, walking them backwards until Leon was pressed up against the bookcase.

It took a few moments for Leon's head to stop spinning, and all he could taste was blood, but under the weight of the huge man pressed up against him, those vile brawny hands twisted in his shirt, he soon came back to himself. He spat blood out onto the floor.

"You don't honestly think I can just walk up to my bank and hand over 3 billion munnies to you just like that, do you?" His voice was full of distain and spite.

"You're gonna have to think of something pretty boy, cause I'm not letting you out of my sight until I have _something_ to show for my fucking troubles." Riven's hand had slipped up from the front of Leon's shirt to fix itself around Leon's throat, squeezing his point home.

"If you want a single penny, you're going to have to take your filthy, child molesting hands off me." Leon croaked out, his face only inches from Riven's and his eyes full of the hatred and disgust he felt for the older man.

A blank, dazed look passed over Kane's face as Leon's words sank in, and the brunet could almost see the wheels turning in his fat, meaty head before a cold, insidious smile slid its way across the man's lips.

"Cloud been whining again, has he?" He asked, a lightness in his tone that made Leon's skin crawl. "The fucking shit always was a mouthy little cunt." Riven shot a glance over his shoulder and Leon followed his gaze to where Cloud had propped himself up against the door. Riven had thrown him hard and he looked dazed and disorientated, a hand still pressed to his cheek. Leon's heart turned and ached violently and in that moment he could see exactly how all those year of abuse and fear and violence had happened. He saw Cloud as a little boy, huddled in a corner, afraid and hurt and this vile and dangerous sadist bearing down on him. And suddenly, Leon understood why. All of those questions he'd had and all of those endless nights sat up, wishing that Cloud would let him in, if only for a small while, were pulled into sharp relief. If he had been there – if he had actually _seen _it all happen the way that Cloud had – he wouldn't have wanted to remember any of it either.

"There wasn't a single thing I did to him that the little fucker didn't deserve. He practically begged for it half the time." Riven sneered across the room at Cloud, whose large and hurt blue eyes flicked up to meet Leon's, begging him not to listen.

Leon's heart broke, and as his gaze slid back to the man pressing him into the bookcase, his hurt turned to hot, destructive anger. Riven's gaze was locked so intently on Cloud's huddled form that he didn't see Leon's hands come up and wrap themselves around his wrists and before he knew it, the brunet was forcing his hands away, twisting the knife from his grip.

Riven turned, startled and caught off balance and he had to push down with his massive shoulders to break the impressive grip that the brunet had on his arms. He broke Leon's hold and slapped him back into the bookcase. In the five seconds it took for Leon to wright himself again, Riven had brought the knife up and slashed it down across the bridge of his nose and Leon was sent sprawling with the intense pain, a hot, wet splash of blood covered his face. Distantly he heard Cloud cry out and then through his thick, hazy red vision he saw Riven stumble away from him.

Cloud's whole body turned icy and heavy with fear as he saw Riven bring the blade down across Leon's face. In those few split seconds he didn't have the time to think about anything. He had to find a way to move his body, but he knew - as he watched in horrifying clarity as the knife came down, Leon's eyes closing at the last moment and then the thick, bright blood as it sprayed across the wood floor - he knew, he would never get there in time.

As the terrible sound of spraying blood spattered onto the floor, Cloud cried out and lunged for Riven. He had no idea how he had moved himself across the room but he gripped the hulking man around the shoulders, pulling back and down with all of his strength, twisting the man's neck back and yanked him off balance. Out of the corner of his eye, Cloud saw the flash of silver and red as the knife was brought round in a wild and slashing arc and he reached out his hand and gasped at the flailing wrist, staggering back with the force of the momentum.

Riven managed to right himself, twisting in Cloud's grasp, breaking away to reach forward and grip Cloud around his neck again. He put all of his weight behind the knife and pushed, hard.

Cloud staggered under Riven's bulk and he tried with all of his last remaining strength to twist the knife point away from his guts. He pulled wildly on the thick wrist and stepped back, his heel connecting with the discarded mallet that lay forgotten behind them and then fell backwards, pulling Riven Kane and the knife down on top of him. His head and shoulders connected with the solid wood flooring with a sickening crack and a dull and crushing pain shot through Cloud's stomach that radiated up into his chest and expelled all of the breath from his lungs, as Riven's huge hulking mass pressed down on top of Cloud.

The blond tried to suck in a shuddering gasp through his winded lungs and that aching dullness in his stomach throbbed again. He couldn't breathe. His whole body went cold. He tried to move his hand from where it was trapped between him and Riven, his fingers still clutched desperately around the hilt of the knife and Cloud felt blood coat his hand in warm, sticky pulses.

Riven lay heavy and squirming above him, his face pressed into Cloud's neck and his weight pinned the younger man, who tried desperately to pull a breath into his crippled lungs; unable to move with that dull ache in his stomach growing into a sharp and terrible pain.


End file.
